I was just under a month shy of my 22nd birthday when I was rear-ended by a drunk driver and my pursuit of becoming a professional wrestler came to an abrupt end. Actually, scratch that—my entire life as I knew it came to an abrupt end. Nothing would ever be the same again. I didn’t know it then, but that one incident, that one moment in time, would take me on a journey over 4 years long, all to get me where I am today.
The last 4 years have been a tumultuous journey filled with ups and downs. From my shoulder surgery in 2018, to finally getting the news about the extent of my neck injury early 2020, to multiple injections, cortisone shots and, finally, my radiofrequency ablation. Of course all of those things were only pieces of a much larger puzzle. Granted, they were pretty big pieces that made up the majority of that puzzle, but still. I had to let go of my hope and come to grips with the fact that I’d never be able to get in the wrestling ring again; I finally moved in with my boyfriend in 2019. I wrote an entire novel; I decided to launch a blog, created Flawless World, and went live on my 24th birthday on September 1, 2019. My grandma passed unexpectedly exactly one month before my 25th birthday in 2020—you know, life happened. Birthdays, holidays, events, and time continued to pass.
I’ve always tried to make the most of my time in life regardless of the circumstances. I cherish and try to make the most out of every day because I know nothing in life is guaranteed. I don’t believe in sitting around and watching life pass you by. This is why I was able to keep myself busy and find creative outlets after my accident, and what ultimately led me to discovering my passion for blogging and how I’m going to create a career out of it (see: my vision for the future). But I have to admit, that though I made the most out of my time and was able to let go of my wrestling dream and find my other calling, I wasn’t immune to the passage of time. I had an acute understanding of the fact that I was getting older and my life wasn’t where I imagined it would be.
Last year I reached a point where I just felt exhausted. It was after my first appointment with my neurosurgeon. I went into that appointment so hopeful, and was essentially told that I had just been dealt a bad hand of cards and had to learn how to try and live with it, and that maybe they could get me on muscle relaxers (no thank you). That appointment stopped me dead in my tracks. It felt like every emotion had left my body; I was completely frozen, and once I thawed, I was exhausted. I was exhausted from the constant pain, from holding onto what felt like misplaced hope at the time, for my foolish slight belief that maybe I’d be able to wrestle again, for my thoughts that my neck would go back to the way it was before. All of the positivity I’d kept up vanished. Everything that had happened since the accident had felt futile, utterly useless.
The one glimmer of hope during all of it was the fact that Flawless World was making progress. It was reassuring in a time where I had no reassurance. But even I wasn’t immune to feeling the invisible weight of time. It was buzzing at a low hum in the back of my mind. You’re going to be 25 in September, it said, and what do you have to show for it? A f*cked up neck, a girl who can’t go to the market alone because she can’t lift groceries, an aunt who can’t babysit her nephew alone because he’s too heavy for her to lift, a broken wrestling dream, and youth and beauty that will age, too.
I felt like I was running out of time.
The whole concept of time is a very strange thing. Think about it: every planet in our solar system has a different sense of time. A lot of people in life look at ages as a milestone or some benchmark that they need to hit. I mean, honestly, how many people have you ever heard say something along the lines of: “I need to be married by 30,” or, “I want to have kids before I’m 30.” Why is 30 so special? Because you’re not 20 anymore? 30 is just a random number plucked from thin air that a lot of people have made bigger than it actually is. Society, as a whole, gets caught up in “age” and “numbers” and “milestones” too much, because at the end of the day, time is just an illusion.
I don’t know what happened to make me do this, but one day I finally took a step back and zoomed out on my life to take stock of it from a different perspective. I was shocked by what I saw. I realized that I was not, in fact, running out of time, and that I was making progress in areas that mattered, that I could control. Suddenly, it all made sense: if I simply surrendered to the universe and dealt with things accordingly as they came, I would be just fine. I had been so caught up in the fact that I wasn’t where I imagined I would be in life because of something that had happened to me that was outside of my control that I forgot to take a step back and look at the big picture. My vision was clouded.
The truth is, everything in life takes time. I fully believe that. Nothing ever worth having should come easy, and people find success when they are focused, work hard, and are dedicated and patient. Impatience is nothing but an invisible monster, and there is no place for it in my life.
I’m beyond happy with where I am in my life. I don’t think any of my time has been wasted because it’s molded me into the woman I am today. At 26 I’m comfortable in my own skin, secure in my relationship, and most importantly, confident in myself and my decisions. I no longer feel like I’m running out of time. I have plans and goals that I’m focused on and working towards, and whatever comes my way, I will deal with accordingly.
We’re all so quick to make assumptions about time. Although none of us can escape time, that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. More time means more experience, and more opportunities for learning and growth. If you ever feel yourself getting caught up in time, remind yourself: time is just an illusion.
