Almost everyone who’s ever been in or is currently in a serious relationship will tell you firsthand that their whole slew of exes left a lot to be desired. It’s nothing new, we all have to make mistakes and go through certain things to learn and figure out what we want, but what happens when you find yourself in a relationship rut you can’t seem to break out of?
Finding “the one” can be a long, strenuous task, and although you can’t control other people [you can only control yourself], there may be bigger, deeper reasons as to why you keep falling for the wrong one. Until you figure this out, you’ll never find that special someone you can settle down with.
Below I’ve broken down all of the reasons why you keep picking the wrong one, and also what you can do to fix it. Here’s how to stop picking the wrong people.
Why you keep picking the wrong one:
Think that’s all you deserve
Continually choosing the wrong person with similar qualities and relationship style over and over and over again is a sign of low self-esteem. You may not realize it, but you’re subconsciously putting out into the universe and sending signals that you think that’s all you deserve because you don’t feel good about yourself.
Commitment issues
Commitment issues can stem from and manifest is many different ways, and choosing the same, wrong kind of person repeatedly is one of them. Subconsciously, you’re picking the wrong one because you know they’re not in it for the long-term. This is a form of protecting yourself and your heart by feeding that fear of commitment.
Vulnerability issues
Ah, vulnerability, something I myself struggled with heavily in the past. Picking the wrong one is classic behavior of someone uncomfortable with opening themselves up to others. Someone struggling with vulnerability will use this as a defense mechanism, a way to stay guarded because they know they won’t have to fully open up to that person because it’s not going to work out in the end.
Fear being alone
No one wants to be lonely in life, and I think everyone (deep down) wants to be able to share all the moments of their life, big and small, with that special someone—but that doesn’t mean you should lower your standards or keep going through a string of similar partners because you’re craving that magical connection. You may be so terrified of and uncomfortable with being by yourself and having to sit with your own thoughts that you’re willing to sacrifice yourself and your heart for Mr or Mrs Wrong. Fear of being alone is going to cloud your judgment and allow you to repeat the same pattern.
Unresolved issues from childhood or past relationships
Everyone’s childhood plays some role in shaping who they are as an adult, and everyone takes childhood trauma, issues, or experiences into their relationships unknowingly. If you find that you’re continually choosing Mr or Mrs Wrong, there’s a possibility you’re dealing with unresolved issues from your childhood. Likewise, all relationships leave an impression on us and how we view them going forward, and if you haven’t dealt with or gotten over anything properly, you’re going to be fighting a losing battle internally. Unresolved issues from childhood or past relationships factor into falling for the wrong one time and time again.
Not ready for a relationship
Lastly, tying in to everything mentioned above, you may be picking the wrong one because deep down in your heart, you know you’re not ready for a relationship. Picking the wrong one is a way for you to still have someone to hang out with and talk to while still keeping them at arm’s-length. Maybe you’re scared of being alone, maybe you have unresolved trauma from the past that you haven’t properly dealt with, maybe you don’t feel good about yourself—whatever the case may be, you can’t find Mr or Mrs Right until you deal with and figure yourself out.
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How to fix it:
The good news is that you’re not the first person to continually pick the wrong one, and you most certainly won’t be the last. The key to fixing the problem is to get to the root of the issue(s) so you can overcome it.
If you’re serious about stopping the cyclical pattern of picking Mr or Mrs Wrong, the first thing you should do is work on increasing your self-awareness. Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires. Increasing your self-awareness will allow you to get to the heart of the problem(s) because this kind of behavior is oftentimes deep-rooted in us and in turn, causes us to act out a certain way unwillingly. Start by examining past experiences that played a major role in your life. Think about how they made you feel during the moment and after, try to remember how you handled the event and emotions. Try writing this all down, it’s easier to get all of your thoughts and feelings together once they’re written down on paper. Once you’ve done that, you can begin asking yourself the tough questions. Why do you think you do always pick the wrong one? What makes you act out this way? What are you scared of? Answering these questions and questions of the sort will allow you to increase your self-awareness and get to the root of the issue.
You can increase self-awareness and get to the root on your own, but fair warning: you’re going to have to get brutally honest with yourself and ask yourself uncomfortable questions; but take it from someone who knows: it can be done. If you think you’re the kind of person who will have difficulty doing this alone, talking to a therapist is a great option, especially because they won’t have previous biases that will affect the way they treat you.
RELATED: ARE YOU READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP?
You’re also going to want to take a cooling period for awhile—meaning no more going out on dates. You’re not ready, plain and simple. Even if you think you’re looking for something fun and casual, you’re not, and you’re going to create more problems with yourself. Actively looking for someone to hang out and have a good time with is a statement in itself—you’re still chasing after and picking the wrong one. You’ll never find the right one if you don’t deal with yourself first. Instead, take the time to focus on self-growth and healing, learn or try something new. Find a new hobby to pursue, spend more time with friends and family. Get comfortable with being on your own and independent. You have the ability to keep yourself entertained, and alone time is crucial to stopping this vicious cycle. The cooling-off time period will vary, but I’d say that, at minimum, taking at least six months to focus on yourself is a good time frame. However, I truly think a year is better. A lot can happen in a year, and you’ll be amazed at how much you can change and grow during that time.
It’s also important to remember that you can’t have the relationship you deserve if you don’t think you deserve it. When all is said and done, taking all of the steps mentioned above will also help resolve any self-confidence issues you may be struggling with. Learning where these types of tendencies stem from will also allow you to figure out why you don’t feel good about yourself and repeatedly settle for less than you deserve.
Doing all of this will lead you to a happier and fuller life. Becoming self-aware of who you are, why you do what you do, and having confidence will give you a better life all on your own, and when the right person finally comes along, you’ll be able to share all of that happiness and vibrancy with them, too.
