Vulnerability: Signs You’re Scared of It

“If I show you all my demons/And we dive into the deep end/Would we crash and burn like every time before?/I would tell you all my secrets/Wrap your arms around my weakness/If the only other option’s letting go, I’ll stay vulnerable” Selena Gomez belts out in “Vulnerable.” It’s a song off her Rare album in which she fiercely proclaims that no matter the cost or consequence, she’s willing to fully open herself up for love. “Vulnerable” gives a raw glimpse inside the heart and mind of someone who’s been burned before by love but no longer wants to hold herself back; who knows that vulnerability is a necessity when it comes to both loving and being loved fully.

The idea of being vulnerable is often more scary than enticing. Living and dealing with a fear of vulnerability is a struggle. For some, they may not even be aware that they’re not allowing themselves to be vulnerable; for others, they may know that they’re scared of letting themselves be vulnerable, and are therefore aware of the ways they’ve closed themselves off.

But how do you know whether or not you’re scared of being vulnerable? Let’s quickly break down the signs:

• You’re closed off
• You get annoyed and start fights over small things easily
• You care more about portraying a specific image to the world than being your true self and revealing your true feelings
• You always have one foot out the door

Back in the day, I had a major fear of vulnerability; I didn’t even realize how deep and big that fear was until late into my relationship. I had no idea how much that fear influenced my thoughts and behavior. I was self-sabotaging so many areas of my life—especially my relationship—and I wasn’t even aware of it (talk about some major deep subconscious sh*t). The most confusing thing was, I actually did trust my partner (I still do). I trusted him with everything; the problem was I didn’t trust myself to fully open up on the off-chance I would be judged or hurt. I didn’t fully understand that I felt like I wasn’t deserving of love, that I believed I would be hurt in the end anyway, and so I closed parts of myself off in an effort to try and protect myself. I say all of this to say that I speak from experience when it comes to having a fear of vulnerability, and also overcoming that fear.

The truth is, no relationship—no matter how healthy or strong it is—can survive without vulnerability. It just can’t. In order for a relationship to truly work and flourish, both people need to be willing to open themselves up to one another completely, even though there’s a possibility they may get hurt in the end. If you’re grappling with a fear of vulnerability, there are steps you can take to overcome it, and trust me when I say that those steps are worth it, because allowing yourself to be fully open with your partner is the most liberating feeling in the world, and will only make the relationship and bond shared between you and your partner stronger. You’ll connect on an even deeper level, fall more in love, and have a healthier and stronger relationship.

Below I’ve broken down ways to help overcome a fear of being vulnerable. Use these to help aide you on your journey of healing and self-love, and finally let yourself to fully open up in your relationship.

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What to do:

• Admit you’re scared of being vulnerable. When it comes down to a fear of vulnerability, it won’t matter who you’re with—it’s something that you’ll have to work on inside of you. That’s not to say that some people may not make vulnerability more enticing, because that’s certainly not the case. But when it comes down to it, getting over a fear of vulnerability is something that you’ll have to work through on your own, and admitting to yourself that you fear vulnerability is the first step. You can’t be totally transparent with someone else until you’re totally transparent with yourself.
• Really think about why you’re scared and begin to work through your feelings. A fear of vulnerability stems from somewhere inside of you, typically from something in your past. The answer to why you’re scared lies within you, but it’s going to take some work to find the answer. Start brainstorming about the possibilities as to why you’re feeling this way; begin working through your feelings and sorting them out either through journaling, with the help of a professional like a therapist, or even through writing letters addressed to yourself or loved one that you can keep for yourself. Practices such as these will help you get to the root of your fear. It’s important to do stuff like this because you won’t be able to fully articulate your feelings and fears until you fully understand them.
• Learn about yourself. Although digging deep into your soul and understanding where your fears stem from may be hard and vigorous work, it’s also going to be so helpful in learning more about who you are. You’ll not only learn where your fear of vulnerability stems from, you’ll learn about what makes you you. You’ll learn where unwanted feelings and behavior comes from, and how best to work through it according to your needs. You’ll also better understand what you want out of a partner, yourself, and relationship, and how you can open yourself up to finding happiness.
• Be honest and communicate. Honesty is always the best policy. Communicate with your S.O by telling them the struggle(s) you’re currently dealing with and trying to work through. If you don’t have any or all the answers, be honest with them and tell them that too. Be upfront about what’s going on, tell them that you’re trying your best to get past it and be better. Someone who really loves you will be willing, patient, and encouraging. This honest communication will also help familiarize you with speaking your true feelings and opening up, and will only aide in letting yourself be vulnerable.
• Be authentic in all areas of your life. Being true to yourself will help you be more vulnerable. For example, if someone asks you what’s wrong, don’t brush them off and say, “nothing.” Instead, try speaking honestly about your feelings. Doing this will get you accustomed to speaking your truth and how you really feel.
• Understand that opening up won’t necessarily make you more susceptible to being hurt. Contrary to what many people who fear vulnerability believe, opening up doesn’t equate to being attacked or hurt. In fact, opening up will only help the relationship more; you’ll find that it’ll flourish. Understand that being vulnerable won’t always equate to bad things or heartbreak, it’ll equate to more truthful and fulfilling relationships. Additionally, once you’re vulnerable, you’ll fully realize that should something happen, it won’t end you; you’ll know that you’re capable of dealing with the fallout. Allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable is where you’ll find your strength.

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