Talk to anyone, and they’ll probably tell you that at 18 they thought they knew everything, that at 21 they realized how little they actually knew, and by their mid-20’s, they realize that they will probably always have something new to learn. I’m a firm believer that if you’re not continuing to learn in life, you’re not growing and evolving. Now, my 26th birthday is 5 days away, and though there’s a part of me that wishes I could stay 25 just a little while longer, I can’t help but look back on what I’ve learned this past year, a lot has changed. I switched my hair back to its natural color after being blonde for 10 years, I navigated the first year of my life without my grandmother by my side here on Earth, undergone multiple treatments for my neck injury, some with hopeful results and others not so much. I started doing deep breathing exercises, which led me to meditating, journaling, and reading The Book of Awakening daily. I’ve had a lot of spiritual, emotional, and physical changes, ups and downs, and growth.
But perhaps the biggest thing of all, is that over the past year, I’ve learned the importance and necessity of letting go. I’ve learned the power in surrendering and relinquishing control to the things which are not in our control.
Control is hidden in many ways—most of which we aren’t even aware of. It can come out when we get stuck in a traffic jam and are furious our commute is going to take longer than we anticipated, or when we get mad at the weather because it’s not doing what we want it to on our day off or the humidity is too much to handle. It shows when we micromanage our lives and schedule everything down to the T, and when we lose our minds because our schedule gets thrown off. There are so many little ways we try to control everything in our day-to-day lives, and we do it because, truthfully, it’s scary and intimidating to both admit that we don’t have as much control as we think we do, and to let go and let whatever happens happen completely.
My form of control was hidden through toxic positivity and not acknowledging things that had directly happened to me. When I was rear ended by a drunk driver in 2017, I thought it had to be karma for something I’d done. Surely, the universe and God was out to teach me a lesson because this happened, right? I thought it was a message that I had to decode, and once I did, everything would go back to normal again. I took it in stride: I made sure to never get upset about what had happened to me because I couldn’t control it, I could only control how I reacted. I believed that if I ignored the things that were done to me and chose to stay positive 100% of the time, even as my body, spirit, and mind were breaking, it would all get better. I started going to church again every weekend, mainly because I enjoyed it, but also because I thought that if I didn’t things would get much worse for me. I never said anything bad or negative out of fear for a bad or negative thing coming back at me. I never cried or got sad for a single moment when I was in pain, when wrestling was ripped away from me, as I went under anesthesia for my shoulder surgery, as I rehabbed my shoulder, as I walked around in a sling for almost 6 months, as I couldn’t drive for 4 months, as I put on my neck brace for the first time—all because I believed that if I did get sad or upset or frustrated things would only get worse and work against me more.
I believed that I had the power to right the wrongs that had been done to me. I believed that by ignoring my feelings and what I was going through, by being this perfect person who went to church every Sunday and was always cheerful and sweet to others even when they had hurt her, everything would get better and nothing else bad would come my way. I continued like this for 3 years, until finally, after my first earth-shattering appointment with my neurosurgeon, it all came crashing down. I couldn’t believe that after all I’d done, things still weren’t working in my favor. I didn’t know what else to do, I thought I was missing something even though I’d been trying for so long to be this perfect person. And yet disappointing things were still coming my way.
This was my way of trying to control the outcome of my car accident and life; this was me fighting to get the ending that I wanted so badly. This was my way of trying to “fix” what had been done to me and prevent karma from hitting me again and doing more damage. It wasn’t until I finally gave up because it wasn’t working anyway that I could recognize it for what it was. The truth is, I don’t have that much power and control; if I did, I would be a multi-millionaire by now.
Someone once said to me that sometimes bad things just happen, and it’s not because things have been going well for someone and it’s their time for things to go south, it just is what it is. It’s a hard pill for most people to swallow: things happen to us sometimes for absolutely no reason at all. I mean, think about it: how many sh*tty people continue moving through life without ever having to answer for their actions? How many people drive drunk and hurt innocent people and walk away without a scratch? How many people go to sleep at night just fine and continue living a successful life after taking advantage of and tearing other people down? How many good and innocent people get hurt every single day out of nowhere, for seemingly no reason at all? Things like this happen because we can’t control the universe, no one has that much power. Things just happen, and there isn’t always a logical reason for it. Quite simply: things are what they are. That’s it. Realizing and accepting this was the most empowering thing for me because it released me from the restraints I had put on myself tiptoeing around life. It allowed me to finally unapologetically be myself, someone who always tries to do good but doesn’t hold anything back, the girl who can finally acknowledge when things happen to her and deal with them and move on accordingly, who no longer got caught up in trying to right the wrongs and lived in fear of messing up lest something bad come back at her. There was something so freeing about this.
But the biggest lesson I learned over the past year was the importance of surrendering, and I realized this when I finally let go of something I’d been holding on to for years—something that had been holding me back far longer than I realized: my wrestling dream. After my accident, I had to stop wrestling because of my injuries, but I was still determined to get back in the ring. As the years went on, that dream that used to burn so brightly slowly got dimmer and dimmer. I wasn’t in denial about any of it; I was fully aware of the extent of my injuries and was acutely aware of the pain I was living (and still) live in, I knew my prospects were getting weaker and weaker. This knowledge and awareness is why I turned to other things, such as writing my novel, and then, starting Flawless World. I knew somewhere, in the back of my mind, that I wasn’t going to be able to wrestle again. However, whenever people asked me about my wrestling career, I’d always answer with something like “right now I’m waiting to figure out my neck injury and fix that, but until then, I’m blogging.” I didn’t realize that with that answer I was basically saying that the blog wasn’t my main focus and was only a time filler, and that I was still holding on to my wrestling dream. Essentially, I was torn in two.
And holding on was holding me back.
Once I realized this, I finally let go of that dream once and for all. I made peace with it. Funnily enough, it wasn’t until after I had done this that the unique pageviews and sessions for Flawless World started going up. I started reaching milestones and numbers that I had been working towards for so long. I broke 10,000 pageviews and got my first paycheck. It’s a testament to the power of letting go of things that no longer serve you: you have to let go of what’s holding you back or else you’ll never be able to move on. Of course this is easier said than done, but the first thing I had to do was admit to myself that I was not going to get back in that ring again. After I did that, I was able to grieve the loss of my dream, come to peace with it, and finally close the door. Now, I look back on that time in my life with fondness and pride. I’m proud that I went after what I wanted and how much I was able to accomplish in such a short amount of time, but that chapter is done now, it’s time for me to embrace the next one: the one where I’m a professional blogger and grow Flawless World into a household name in the online magazine world.
After I went back to being a brunette I was told that sometimes living with your natural hair color can bring out your most authentic self. It’s one of the truest statements I’ve ever heard. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and feel like I’m living my most authentic life now more than ever. The change from blonde to brunette was a physical change that really signified the closing of one chapter of my life and beginning of another. I’m now someone who lets themselves feel and deal with their emotions instead of shoving them down, who practices mindfulness exercises every single day through meditation, journaling, and reading. Someone who’s come to peace with their grandmother’s passing and tries to embrace her strong and beautiful spirit every day, who loves being brunette more than anything and went to a very dark brown hair color even though they used to say they never wanted to go back to their natural hair color, and someone who managed to find their calling after they finally let go of a dream that they could no longer pursue and hold on to.
I’d been swimming upstream for so long, bumping into things constantly, and seemingly fighting a never-ending battle, until I finally let go and found the right path to take to get to where I am now. The journey is far from over; I will continue working on growing myself and learning every day for the rest of my life. So, thank you, 25. I can’t wait to see what 26 has in store for me.
