Are You Too Stubborn for Your Own Good?

There are a lot of upsides to being stubborn, particularly when it comes to things like career and school. However, despite all the benefits of persevering against all odds with an unbreakable will and determination unmatched, stubbornness in a relationship can be detrimental. The effects of stubbornness in a relationship are usually a dull hum underneath the surface at the beginning. However, over time, they will create a massive rift between you and your partner.

The problem with stubborn people is they’re usually blinded by their stubbornness to even see the damage they’re doing, which is why I’ve broken down below the signs of someone who’s stubborn, what stubbornness does to a relationship, and what to do to fix it before it’s too late. Keep on reading to find out if you’re too stubborn for your own good.

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Signs you’re stubborn:

• You’re extremely set in your ways. Stubborn people are very resistant to change and live their life by a “it’s my way or the highway” mentality. When it comes down it, no matter what it may be, there’s no one that can ever tell them differently. They’re also typically close-minded and tend to avoid anything that may contradict their beliefs.
• You tend to get into arguments and disagreements often and easily. A stubborn person typically has a harder time communicating in general, which makes them more susceptible to arguments and/or disagreements of any kind. Additionally, because of how set in their ways a stubborn person usually is, this will also make them more viable for any arguments/disagreements. These arguments and disagreements tend to range from anything such as picking out a paint color to deciding the right way to handle a career change.
• You don’t give in, ever. When it comes down to it, a stubborn person will fight to the end and until they’re happy, no matter the cost.
• You always have to get the last word in. It doesn’t matter if the argument’s done and over with, if someone has made their point and is trying to move on, a stubborn person will always make sure that they’re the one who gets the last word in.
• You refuse to apologize, compromise, and can’t admit when you’re wrong. Going back to the first point, someone who’s so set in their ways and close-minded is going to have a difficult time apologizing, compromising, and admitting when they’re wrong. This will be impossible because 1) they believe they’re in the right, 2) they’re incapable of seeing things from someone else’s POV, and 3) apologizing, compromising, and admitting that they’re wrong would practically kill them. Stubborn people are incapable of handling and dealing with any of these scenarios.

What stubbornness does to a relationship:

• It cuts off all communication. When someone refuses to compromise, talk things out, easily falls into disagreements or arguments just to prove their point, it shuts off the dialogue between two people. It inadvertently creates a larger problem in the relationship. Lack of communication in a relationship only leads to nowhere good.
• It creates distance. With lack of communication also comes a gap between two partners that neither one can figure out how to bridge. Stubbornness oftentimes causes one partner to pull away and ice the other one out, or it will do the opposite and cause even more engagement that only adds fuel to the fire of the disagreement. At the end of the day, it forces a divide between two people because one (or both, maybe) of them is unable and willing to come to a solution that satisfies both partners.
• The sole focus becomes always proving you’re 100% right. When you’re stubborn, your priorities in the relationship shift from the relationship itself to making sure you always prove that you’re 100% right, no matter what the cost is. Not only does this take away from what’s really going on, it resolves nothing, again, leaving and creating an even bigger divide between two people. The sole focus and heart of what’s going on is overlooked and diminished because the stubborn person only cares about proving that they’re right.
• It creates unnecessary problems. Stubbornness usually causes people to make mountains out of molehills because a stubborn person is so set in their ways, refuses to ever compromise, apologize, or admit that they’re wrong, and always has to be right that they end up blowing things out of proportion. It takes every little thing to the next level, which only outs strain on a relationship.
• It undermines the relationship. To sum it all up, stubbornness actually hinders the relationship because it’s no longer about the relationship itself, but rather the stubborn person and their ego.

What to do:

All relationships are about give and take. In fact, a lot of healthy relationships have 3 elements: independence, codependence, and interdependence. Independence refers to the things you do on your own and for yourself—e.g: work or hobbies—and codependence refers to the things you rely on your partner for. Say, for example, if one of you were to get sick, the other one would be there for and take care of you (again, this is in a healthy relationship). Interdependence refers to the fact that relationships, no matter how healthy and balanced they are, are never truly 50/50 because there will be times when one partner needs and relies on the other one more, and vice versa. It actually makes a lot of sense when you break it down. In my relationship, there will be moments where I may be struggling more and find myself more reliant on my boyfriend, just like there will be times where he’s struggling and will rely on me more. That’s life; we all just ebb and flow along with the change—unless we’re stubborn and reistant to it.

So since relationships are all about give and take, it only makes sense that being stubborn would do nothing except hold the relationship back. It’ll also prevent the relationship from evolving and growing. Nothing will ever change, and nothing will get resolved.

Most stubborn people are fully aware that they’re stubborn, even if they’re unaware of how their stubbornness is damaging their relationship. However, if you are stubborn and haven’t admitted that to yourself, that’s the first thing you should do. Next, you need to make a commitment to yourself that you’re going to make an effort to overcome the stubbornness that’s hindering your relationship—which is easier said than done, because stubborn people are extremely set in their ways. Couple that with refusal to change, and you’ve got a big challenge ahead of you—but that shouldn’t scare you off.

Just sit back and think about what’s really going on. What has being this headstrong gotten you? What’s really the problem here, and why has it gotten so much bigger than you, your partner, and your relationship? Chances are, you won’t be able to come up with a very good answer to these questions besides the fact that you’re stuck on appealing to your own ego. But think about it—how much easier would your life be if you let all of this go? You’d be surprised to find that there’s a pretty big chance both you and your S.O can both be right in a given situation, that there’s usually good advice and insight from both sides!

When you’re in an argument or disagreement, try to identify what’s going on and why your S.O’s upset, then apologize for it. If you’re having difficulty apologizing, remind yourself that despite what you may think and feel, the world is not going to end if you apologize. In fact, it may make your world a hell of a lot easier. Also, if you’re unable to figure out the reason your S.O is upset, simply saying something along the lines of: “I’m sorry I made you upset, that wasn’t my intention,” will work. Whatever the case may be, this line of conversation will usually help open up the dialogue and allow both of you to get to the root of the issue and work through it together.

When it comes down to it, try your best to keep your stubbornness to the areas it benefits you, like your career, and out of your relationship. You’ll find the rewards to be so much better.