The first couple months of 2021 have been interesting, to say the least. And though I do not have any bad gut feelings about this year like I did the moment I woke up on January 1, 2020 (clearly that gut feeling was correct), February specifically has really been trying to test my patience. There have been quite a few bumps in the road, and I suspect that there will be some more along the way, but I know none of it will be anything I can’t handle, and I do trust that everything is and will be fine.
I started this year having not seen my family since Thanksgiving, which is the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing them in my entire life; I’m very close to my family and always try to see them at least once a week. But both my family and my boyfriend’s family got COVID-19 right after Thanksgiving, so we decided to stay in and do our own thing for Christmas and New Year’s Eve. We saw what our family members went through—the fevers, fatigue, dry cough, chest pains, head cold symptoms, headaches, and shortness of breath—and we both agreed that we did not want to get COVID; we were going to be as safe as possible. This meant no interactions with anyone outside of our household, doing curbside pickup for our groceries, and wearing masks during the times we did go in public; my boyfriend even did all of his powerlifting training from home to minimize outside interaction. Everyone around us was testing positive, and we live in the smallest state in America—it’s literally 37 miles wide and 48 miles long—and our state is (still) one of the top 3 hot spots for COVID rates and cases in the country. We didn’t want to get sick, and yet my boyfriend still managed to pick it up at the gym (after he finally went back) and bring it home to us.
So, we got COVID—and it was not fun and everyone needs to take it seriously because it’s a very serious thing—and in the same week my boyfriend also managed to get pink eye and tear his pec, which left no one in our household able to lift anything. The pec tear was a big scare—we were wondering how we were going to be able to function in our day-to-day lives, how we’d cook because I can’t lift anything and he was now limited, how we were going to go grocery shopping because again, we couldn’t pick up anything and I can’t push the carriage or carry any bags. It was like suddenly our entire life as we knew it was turned upside down, in addition to the already daily “normal” stress of trying to figure out what in the world is going to help my neck. The pec tear was also scary because all tears are scary—you never know how they’re going to heal, if they’ll get worse or better over time with physical therapy, whether or not you’re going to need surgical intervention, and so on and so forth. Thankfully, his pec tear is very mild compared to what it could’ve been and he’s able to function and do normal tasks (like lifting groceries lol), but it definitely rocked us. It was another reminder of just how quickly things can change.
This all happened at the beginning of the year. In the beginning of February, I finally got in to see the neurosurgeon I tried to see the first time back in May 2020. It’s hard to believe that last Valentine’s Day was when I found out that I had bulging discs in my neck between C5 and C6 and C6 and C7. We talked about my options for my neck and left off on me trying facet joint injections; if I responded well to them, we’d explore more surgical options. For the first time in a very long time, I felt the tiniest flutter of hope. There was a path ahead of me that I could go down now after being suspended in mid-air for nearly 4 years. I couldn’t help but feel like the timing of it was right. After I’d finally truly let go of my wrestling dream, something new, positive, and hopeful came into my life. I believe that in life, we have to let go of things in order for new and better things to enter; we have to make space for them.
I received my injections on February 10, but not before my insurance company tried denying the procedure, only to turn around and say they read the medical report wrong, to then say that since it got denied and was now approved I had to go through an appeals system which usually takes up to 2 weeks. All of this happened 2 days before I was supposed to receive the injection. Again, I’m extremely grateful that everything ended up working out a lot faster than it could’ve and I was still able to get the injections on time, but I couldn’t help but laugh when I was told that I (again) might have to put another thing for my neck on hold—which has been on hold for nearly 4 damn years! I had to throw my hands up and surrender, go with the flow. What else could I do but laugh at the absurdity of how long it’s taken doctors to help me? Nothing.
As I write this it’s been exactly one week since getting the injections. Now, the thing with facet joint injections is that they’re similar to cortisone shots but a lot more invasive. The doctor goes in with a needle and numbs the joint before injecting that tiny joint with what is essentially cortisone. However, unlike cortisone shots, these injections can take anywhere from a few days to several weeks to kick in and work (or not).
I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t constantly thinking about whether or not the injections actually worked, if they’re going to eventually work, and what it’ll mean if they do or don’t. The unknown is difficult for everyone. This is a particularly hard subject for me because I’ve been trying to come to a place of acceptance more with my neck—hence letting go of ever wrestling again and all of my other past dreams. I’m no longer looking at anything as a time filler, and I’ve been trying to control only what I can control and nothing else. I’m not going to lie, I get a little stressed whenever I think about what’s next, but I’ve really been trying to let go of that stress because I know that it’s out of my control. The unknown is the unknown for a reason—no one knows what tomorrow’s going to bring, and the what-ifs in life are useless. All I can do is keep a pain diary to monitor my progress, and when I meet up with the doctor again, I’ll go from there. I’m really trying not to get my hopes up because of how much I’ve been let down in the past with my neck, but I’m trying not to only expect the worst, either. I’m trying to find and stay on neutral ground, a place where I know I’ll be fine one way or the other.
Speaking of things being fine, one thing that has been incredible is watching the numbers on Flawless World go up. We just hit new all-time highs, and I am so grateful to every single reader, and proud of all of the love and hard work I’ve put in to something that I’m witnessing pay off. In fact, my boyfriend is so supportive and encouraging that for Valentine’s Day he had my Flawless World logo blown up onto a canvas. He completely surprised me! Seeing that canvas every single day in the space that I work only motivates me further, and reminds me that I have something to be proud of. It’s important that we all take moments to remind ourselves of things like this from time-to-time. I’m proud of the fact that for years I always wanted to start a blog, and in 2019 I finally did, taking the time to research and make sure it was flawless (see what I did there?) before launching. I love the fact that I’m so passionate about writing and everything else that comes along with a blog; I love waking up every day and pouring my creativity into it. Seeing my hard work pay off is the most amazing and rewarding feeling in the world. No one can ever take your hard work away from you, remember that.
So, I got COVID, my boyfriend tore his pec and got pink eye, I got facet joint injections that may or may not work, I may or may not get neck surgery in the future, Flawless World is growing, and I now have a huge canvas of my blog’s logo, which is pretty damn cool. Regardless of what’s happened and what’s going to happen, everything is going to be fine. I know it will.
