It’s never easy seeing a loved one in pain. Human instinct is to try and fix it and make it better when we see someone we love hurting. No one enjoys feeling powerless, and when someone you love is struggling—especially your life partner—it can be difficult; it can be emotional for both the person struggling and the person watching. But stress and pain are both unavoidable in life; we’re all going to have struggles and hurdles to overcome, we’re all going to have low moments filled with pain and sorrow, which is why it’s important that each and every one of us learns how to deal with stress and pain in a healthy and productive manner.
It’s kind of ironic that my most recent relationship post was on dealing with stress as a couple. I think it’s evident that dealing with stress, injuries, pain, and suffering together in a relationship has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s not surprising, especially considering all of the recent treatments I’ve undergone for my neck injury. My boyfriend’s accompanied me on all of these treatments and stayed with me at home during my recovery, and if I have any more in the future, he’ll continue to be by my side. Him being by my side for these neck appointments and even my shoulder appointments isn’t anything new—he’s been by my side since the very beginning—but he’s really been by my side since we moved in together in March of 2019.
You’re probably reading this and thinking: of course he’s been by your side, he’s your boyfriend; isn’t it normal to help out your S.O when they’re going through something? And though that isn’t incorrect, I feel like the level of support I have from him is something really special—and I think it’s something that comes from both of us as individuals and as a couple.
Because there is no guidebook for dealing with an injury, especially a life-altering one. There is no “right” way to handle it (though I do believe there are much healthier ways than others), but when you’re dealing with a life-changing injury and/or a partner who has a life-changing injury, it can very easily put a strain on both people and the relationship. Some people may retreat into themselves because they don’t want to feel like a burden or they’re ashamed of the fact that they’re no longer independent; and those watching their S.O suffer may feel helpless because they can’t help that they in turn retreat into themselves. The injury becomes a taboo subject because of the delicate feelings surrounding it. Activities that were once fun to do together no longer have the same appeal because one person is no longer able to do them. It can feel like your entire world has been turned upside down overnight, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it.
After I was rear-ended by a drunk driver in 2017, my boyfriend was the first person I called, despite the fact that our relationship was in a very precarious state. Somehow, though, we managed to get through the aftermath together, despite the fact that we were both struggling emotionally in so many ways and I was also struggling physically. After my shoulder surgery in February of 2018, my boyfriend stayed by my side and helped me through it. I couldn’t drive for 4 months after my surgery, and he would help me out and drive me to PT or any doctors appointments if needed. But we weren’t living together then, and if I’m being honest, I wasn’t in the most positive environment. Between rehabilitating my shoulder, dealing with my worsening neck, grappling with losing my wrestling dream and life as I knew it, and healing our relationship, my boyfriend and I were relearning what it meant to be there for each other in times of need.
Now, we’re coming up on our 8 year anniversary, and we’re closer, healthier, and stronger than ever. And it’s not because after we got over that little hurdle it was totally smooth sailing, because it wasn’t. It was the complete opposite. In 2020 we dealt with the deaths of both of our grandmas in a 4 month span, COVID, career changes, and more; all of this on top of my neck injury. My boyfriend’s watched my injury become more and more debilitating day in and day out; he’s watched me get my hopes up for things only to be let down in the end. He’s spent almost every date night we have helping me try to find a somewhat comfortable position on the couch so we can watch a movie in peace, fixing and rearranging pillows, blankets, body positioning etc. without complaint. Of course if the roles were reversed I would do the same exact thing for him and not think twice about it, but despite the fact that everything sounds so grim and hopeless on paper or whenever we discuss it, I can’t deny the fact that in a weird way my neck injury has brought us closer together. Obviously it would’ve been nice to get to this point without this pain and suffering, but I digress.
Never once has my boyfriend tried to “fix” me. He hasn’t tried to make me feel better by throwing out cliche sayings and phrases like: “God has a plan for you,” or, “just keep praying about it, there has to be an answer somewhere,” and even the dreaded: “tough times don’t last but tough people do.” (By the way, all of those cliche sayings always make the person suffering feel worse because it reminds them that there might not be an answer and they may very well have to learn to live with it.) Instead, he’s helped me how he can: going to the market with me and carrying all the groceries in, fixing my pillows so we can enjoy watching a movie together, listening to me if I ever need to vent, and more. One time recently I felt awful because we kept having to pause a movie we were watching because no matter how I shifted, I kept losing feeling in my fingers and toes, and I apologized and said I felt like a burden and that I didn’t want to be selfish or focus solely on the pain but I couldn’t escape it. He looked at me like I had 10 heads and then proceeded to remind me that I shouldn’t ever feel like a burden because what I’m experiencing is very real; it is, after all, something he’s witnessed day in and day out.
My boyfriend doesn’t take the stress of my injury or how it’s affecting me onto himself, nor do I take out my injury on him and allow it to permeate and fester in the home we share. He’s able to separate it, and recognize that although he wishes I wasn’t going through this, it isn’t something that directly affects him, and he needs to continue living his life how he can without limitations. My limitations are not his limitations. If he was overly empathetic and took my injury onto himself we’d be complete messes. It would be a disaster; neither one of us would get anything done. He can still be selfless and be there for me without it directly affecting him. We both value each other’s time and are more grateful for each other’s help and support now than we were before. My injury opened our eyes and really hammered home the fact that you shouldn’t ever take anything for granted, we both know all too well how quickly everything can change.
We talk to each other about everything, and we also have healthy ways in which we let out stress so we don’t retreat into ourselves or explode on one another. We ask each other for help when we need it, and are learning how to admit to both ourselves and each other when we’re struggling. The way we deal with stress as individuals translates to how we deal with it as a couple. We’ve taken a less-than-ideal situation and made the best of it. We don’t think about our lives before the accident and compare that to life now. My life may have changed, but that doesn’t mean my bond with my boyfriend has to. If anything, it’s only opened our eyes and made our relationship stronger. In a very weird way, my car accident, shoulder surgery, and neck injury helped my relationship.
Oy! Give ma ya chiipps!