Confessional: My Outlook on Christmas This Year

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of the cold weather, and yet this year I haven’t found myself annoyed by it. I haven’t hated the fact that I’ve had to bundle up and let my car warm up before going out, that it’s already snowed more than all of last winter. Instead, I’ve found myself looking out the window, admiring and appreciating the beautiful view. I’ve taken walks in the cold air that have been invigorating. I love being able to lay out in the sun and warm air, and yet I’ve found myself looking forward to doing things in the house I normally wouldn’t do otherwise.

I’ve been looking at the world through a completely new lens.

Do you know how much nicer it is to look at the glass half full, to appreciate the world around you and all it has to offer, to find the beauty in everything, to find glimmers of hope and hold onto them despite how bleak things may seem? It’s so much better.

This has been my outloook this entire holiday season. Thanksgiving was different, and tomorrow and the next day will be even more so. In both mine and my boyfriend’s family, nearly everyone has tested positive for COVID-19. So, even if we wanted to have a very small gathering under 10 people, it’s not happening. All the traditions we’re used to won’t be happening this year, and it’ll also be the first Christmas for both of us without our grandmothers.

It’s a very weird and sad time.

And yet. And yet, I’m still content. I’m still happy. I’m still at peace, somehow.

I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments I get sad thinking about not seeing my family on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I’d be lying if I said that I’m totally fine changing traditions completely, that Thanksgiving helped me prepare for the first holiday without my grandma. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have moments where I felt like I was spinning out of control, like the entire world threw my equilibrium off for eternity. I’d be lying if I said I stayed calm when I found out people I’d been around tested positive for COVID. It’d be a lie, all of it. It’d be a lie because I’m human, and human beings react to everything; even not reacting is a reaction. Someone once told me that there will always be things in life that’ll throw off our balance—most of the time out of our control—but the key is to be able to stay balanced through it all, or find balance once again. Calm in chaos.

This year has been very painful for me in so many ways; I’ve been grieving in more ways than one. I’ve grieved for the loss of a dream, my neck injury, my grandma, and now my boyfriend’s grandmother. Through all of that I’ve learned about deep breathing and meditation, and I’ve opened up parts of myself that I didn’t know were closed off. And now, I feel things—everything—on a much deeper level.

With all of the pain I’ve experienced has come growth. So much growth. So much growth that I am so deeply proud of myself for. So much growth that has allowed me to find so much peace in a very unprecedented and chaotic time. In the moments I’ve felt as though I was spinning out of control, I’ve also felt clarity; clarity that everything was going to be OK, and that I was going to get my feet planted firmly on the ground again soon enough. Because of this, I’ve been able to get excited for Christmas.

As I write this, periodically, I keep stopping to take a moment and look outside my sliding glass door, just to admire the view before the sun goes down because it’s just so damn beautiful, snow and all. I have to trudge through that snow later on to get a pick up order at the market, and yet I still find it so pretty.

We all make choices every single day we wake up. We can choose to be productive or not, we can choose to grow, and we can choose to be happy. Sure, there will always be things that happen outside of our control, but that’s life; it’s up to you whether or not you want to put your focus and energy into something that’s outside of your control.

I think it’s OK to have moments of sadness—those moments are what make us human—but I don’t think it’s OK to dwell in that sadness. Dwelling will only prolong it, and it’ll also be incredibly unproductive. I think it’s important to acknowledge feelings as they come, and then I think it’s equally important to let them go.

For me, I’m focused on controlling the things I can control and letting the rest go; relinquishing control is the most freeing feeling in the world. I’m focused on staying positive and grounded in chaos. I’m focused on staying happy, and finding the good in everything. My newfound outlook on life has opened up the door for more appreciation for things big and small to flow in. Instead of being sad and trying to force this Christmas to be the way it normally is, I’ve let it go, and am now focused on making this one memorable in spite of it all. I’ve chosen to recreate all the food we’d normally have on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so the holiday can still feel special. Even though I won’t be leaving my house, I’m choosing to still treat it like any other Christmas. I refuse to dwell in the sadness and loss, refuse to look at the glass half empty.

This entire year has been weird for everyone—including the holiday season—and a lot of it has been out of our control. But despite all of that, I truly hope everyone can still remember to be kind to one another, to reach out to their family and friends even if it’s just through the phone, remembers to cherish every moment and always look at the bright side. I’m sending out so much light and love to everyone in the world, I hope you all can find appreciation and comfort in this chaotic time the way I have.