This morning was the day I’ve been waiting for for a long time. It was finally the moment of truth: what the MRI of my neck, taken the previous Friday, revealed. Leading up to this moment, I had a mix of emotions. Excitement at the prospect of maybe finally having an answer; fear at the thought of there not being one and still being lost as to what’s going on; and a little bit of anxiety surrounding the whole thing, after all, this has been over 2 years in the making.
Well, I finally got an answer: I have two bulging discs in my neck (C6 and C7, I believe). I finally got an answer, and all I feel is… anger.
I thought I’d be relieved—finally, we’re going to figure this thing out and hopefully make it better! Finally, I’m going to see a neurosurgeon! No, I don’t feel that at all. What I feel is a mixture of shock and anger.
I feel angry that I’ve been living like this for over two years and it’s only gotten worse. I feel angry that it’s taken this long to finally get some answers. I feel angry at the fact that I know ignorant ass*oles who still drink and drive. I feel angry at it all. I’ve never thought life was fair, my parents made sure I didn’t grow up deluded into thinking that the world was safe and kind, and justice was always served, but I can’t help feeling angry at the fact that I may never be able to wrestle again because someone had to drive while they were intoxicated. I feel angry that I’m going to have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life. I feel angry that my quality of life has been lowered immensely. I feel f*cking angry at it all.
When I found out what was wrong with my shoulder and that I would need surgery, I remember feeling a bit shocked, but I definitely wasn’t this angry. I was excited because I thought I was finally going to get better. The fact that I’m finally going to be able to see a neurosurgeon brings me some relief, but I’m also annoyed because I feel like this is never going to end.
After writing all of that yesterday (February 14, 2020), I left it alone and decided I’d come back to it today. My unfiltered thoughts, venting, and initial reaction to the news about my neck is written above. I was definitely in shock when I wrote all of that, and the news has been sinking in more and more as time has gone by. I think I’m still processing it now.
I was able to enjoy a Valentine’s date last night with my man, but today I feel a little out of my element again. I just feel lost and confused, and I think it’s because of what I found out about my neck. I can’t believe I’ve been walking around for over two years with a broken neck. I can’t believe that I was given more than a dozen cortisone shots, told to get massages, told to just rest whenever my neck was bothering me; I can’t believe I was put in PT time and time again. After my last PT run (which was as recently as January of this year), my neck’s become so inflamed, the pain has intensified tenfold.
It sucks thinking about the fact that over two years of my life has been wasted, that my quality of life has diminished because of this. It was impossible getting an MRI, and what the MRI revealed speaks volume about how much sooner I should’ve had one.
The more I think about it, the more angry I become. The less I think about it, the more numb I feel.
I’m so sad. I’m so mad. I’ve never thought life was fair, and I’ve been screwed over unnecessarily more times than I can count, but the injustice of this all is mind-boggling. I had my whole life ahead of me, I was pursuing my dream, and that was all taken away from me because of a drunk driver. I lost so much at 21 years old. I love blogging, and I love the life I have, I’m very grateful for it; but feeling robbed of the chance to be able to pursue something that once lit up my entire world and scorched my veins with pure passion feels so f*cking unfair. Having the ability to decide taken away from you makes things that much harder. I always wondered if I was the one who had caused this if it would make it any easier. Maybe it wouldn’t. I don’t know.
I think I feel drained. Over two years of trying to fix this, to make it better, to get healthy again; my energy has finally run out. I feel like everyone around me is either relieved or hopeful, but I think I’m scared. My worst fears were confirmed yesterday, and I’m scared my worst fears are going to be confirmed when I finally get in to see a neurosurgeon. I felt it, I felt that something was seriously wrong. A lot of people thought it might’ve been a pinched nerve, but I thought it was something worse. I could feel it in my bones. (No pun intended.)
I’ve always been a huge advocate for writing when you’re trying to understand what you’re feeling. In the past I’ve found that it helps clear my head and lay out all of my emotions on paper, which gives me the chance to look at them, take them in, and go from there. But I don’t think I’ve been this rocked by something ever, maybe after my car accident I was, but I felt like a completely different person than normal yesterday, and writing was only making it worse. I had to give myself a day to breathe, to process everything, and kind of just shut my brain off. I spent the day reading, playing with makeup, and finished the night with a delicious pizza. (Totally worth it, even though I had to take about 77 lactaid.)
It’s Sunday, February 16, 2020. I think the news and events from the past 48 hours ago has sunken in enough to the point where I no longer feel lost or numb. Okay, here it goes.
I think I’ve been in pain for so long now that I can’t ever imagine getting better. The promise of the chance to be healthy again seems futile. I’ve tried so long to live with the pain, but it’s only gotten worse. With each passing day, it gets worse. I don’t even know how to describe the pain, but it almost feels like I can’t hold my head up, like my skull is on a pendulum that I have no control over—and I have a little head, I wear kids’ hats in a size small, for God’s sake. No position is ever comfortable—sitting up, laying down, typing, reading, etc. At some point every day, my hands and feet go numb. I fall asleep with my left arm tingling every night. Physically, I am weak. I can’t do anything for extended periods of time because it aggravates my neck.
This is how I live. This is how I’ve lived for over two years. I had shoulder surgery and was so stoked for that recovery, for the chance at a comeback, and all it did was put my shoulder back together. I didn’t get healthier. I have permanent weakness and impairment in my left shoulder. During my recovery I had migraines every single day. So, yeah, maybe all of the hope I had went out the window after that brutal recovery. I have nothing left inside of me. The voice that always tells me to keep fighting, keep moving forward, is silent. Of course I’m going to keep moving forward like I always do, but I’ve been fighting for so long now, my energy is gone. It’s devastating, fighting so hard for so long for something, only to have your worst fears confirmed in the end. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but I just want this over. I’m tired of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed in the end.
It’s sad that the fact that I’m finally going to see a neurosurgeon doesn’t excite me anymore. You might be reading this and be thinking to yourself that I sound crazy, that this means I might be able to get some answers, but I’m drained. I’ve spent doctor after doctor, referral after referral, bad news after bad news, I don’t see how I can go up from here. I just want someone to tell me how to live with this, how to manage the pain. I don’t expect a miracle to happen anymore.
I’m 24 years old, and this is my life. This is my life because of a drunk driver. Drinking and driving is not a joke, and I honestly have no f*cking tolerance for it anymore. Anyone I’ve known who’s ever gotten behind the wheel intoxicated has no room in my life. I refuse to hang out with people who don’t believe in using rideshare apps on a night out. You may drink and drive once and be fine, but everyone’s luck runs out eventually, remember that. Most decent people wouldn’t be able to live with themselves if they ruined another person’s life, or worse, God forbid.
For now, all I can do is try to be better for myself every day. I’m letting it all go. I hope one day I can watch wrestling the way I used to without feeling sick to my stomach or like I’m about to burst into tears. I hope one day I don’t wake up in this kind of pain every morning. I hope one day I can spend more than an hour typing without feeling like my head is going to roll off my neck. I hope one day driving won’t aggravate my injury. I hope one day I’ll be able to do my makeup normally because I can’t turn my neck to see how I’m applying makeup to the right side of my face. I hope, I pray, that I learn to live with this, that I can keep moving forward and focus on something else. I’ve long given up on holding onto the past, onto old dreams. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m done. This is my new normal, it has been for years now; now I just finally have the answer as to why.
Don’t ever take anything in your life for granted—your health especially—because it can all be gone in an instant. If you have the ability to wake up and do something you love every single day, don’t ever let that slip by you; you’re one of the lucky ones. Everything can change faster than the blink of an eye, and the world will continue to move around you. Don’t ever let yourself get stuck in the past, in the what-if’s. And above all, if you wake up every day in a warm bed, with a roof over your head, with food and the fridge, don’t forget to be thankful for that.
Regardless of my bulging discs, I am grateful for the fact that I am still here, that I have an amazing man by my side, a family who always has my back, and one true friend.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out to my boyfriend and myself, there have been so many unexpected well wishes, thoughts, and prayers, and it’s really meant a lot. If you know someone who drinks and drives, try to stop them before they get behind the wheel because the consequences can be tragic over something so stupid. Thank you for taking the time to read this. This is a very vulnerable, fresh, and raw topic for me, and at first I had difficulty writing it; but I am so glad I did.
“On the difficult days, when the world’s on your shoulders, remember that diamonds are made under the weight of mountains.” 💎
– Beau Taplin, Diamonds
