I’ve said in a previous post that my twenty-fifth birthday on September 1 doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel like it’s time to celebrate my birthday, and it’s been the farthest thing from my mind. Before, to me, 25 has always been a significant number. You’re no longer in you’re early 20’s, you’ve officially reached mid-20’s; the young and carefree years are long behind you, and overall it just sounds older. I know, I know—I know most of you are probably thinking: ‘25 isn’t old at all, you’re still very much a young person with a future ahead of them.’ And though that may be [hopefully] true, it still seems like a significant birthday. When my boyfriend turned 25, I threw him a huge surprise party with his best friends at the W Hotel (our favorite) in Boston. At the time 25 seemed light years away for me, and now it’s almost here. It’s almost here, and I feel… nothing.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m not even excited for my birthday. This birthday also coincides with the one year anniversary of the launch of this blog—Flawless World—and though I am genuinely excited for that, I really feel nothing. I feel kind of numb.
Because the truth is this birthday is going to be significant for me for many other reasons besides the age I’m turning and the one year anniversary of Flawless World. September 1 is also going to mark one month exactly, to the day, since my grandma’s passing. My birthday will represent an official month without her. It’ll also be the first time I don’t talk to my grandma on my birthday, and the first time I don’t see her whenever my family and I celebrate it together. I know that she’s with me and watching over me still, but it’s still going to be extremely difficult. A loss this big always is. It will be the first time celebrating a birthday without my grandma. I won’t be able to have a glass of champagne with her, talk to her, hear her laughter or the laughter myself and the rest of us give after she says something witty and sassy. It’s going to be weird. The fact that this will be the first birthday I celebrate without my grandma is and of itself bigger than the fact that I’ll be a year older.
On top of all that, if you asked me five years ago where I thought I’d be when I turned 25, I sure as hell wouldn’t of said here. Now, don’t get it twisted: I am very happy with my life and grateful for it and all of the people in it. I have always tried to make the best out of any situation, and I think I’ve done a pretty damn good job considering I was robbed of the dream I was pursuing by a drunk driver. But I didn’t think I’d still be struggling daily with my neck and progressively feeling it get worse. I didn’t think I’d still be physically weak. I didn’t think I’d still be running around from doctor to doctor, trying to find someone who’s not an idiot and can *actually* help me. Even after my car accident and subsequent shoulder surgery I didn’t think I’d be here.
Please don’t take any of what I’m saying the wrong way. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for or pity me at all. I wouldn’t mind finding a doctor who could actually help my neck, but that’s besides the point.
I say all of this to say that you can’t ever plan for life, and you can’t put a time limit on it. You can’t say, for example, something like, “By 25 I need to at least be engaged and own my own house. By 28 I need to be married, and by 30 I want to have my first baby,” because newsflash: that’s not how life works. You can’t plan for anything in life, really, because you don’t know what’s going to happen. You don’t even know how you’re going to feel when you wake up tomorrow morning, next week, or a month from now—so what makes you think putting a time limit on life is actually going to work? Things change, people change, but life doesn’t slow down for anyone. One way or another, you’re going along for the ride. Life doesn’t care about your plans, time doesn’t care about your plans, God has His own plan for you. Sure, you can outline what you think you want your life to be like and pursue all of your goals and dreams, but putting a time stamp on it is foolish.
This birthday is very bittersweet; because as weird as it’s going to be and feels, I am really excited to celebrate and acknowledge Flawless World’s one year anniversary. I started working on this blog in February 2019 and continued to work on it every single day, ensuring that it was, in my eyes, as perfect and professional as possible. I kept working on it, trying to figure out when the best time to launch it would be, and nothing felt right. I originally thought May, then June, and then after the Fourth of July. When August rolled around, I realized that my birthday was the right time—the only time—that felt right. Over the past year I have continued working on this blog daily. I’ve grown in my content creation and tried to advance Flawless World more. There’s been some trial and error, a lot of ups and downs along the way, but I’m very proud of how it’s all turned out. I’m proud of this blog, and it really means a lot to me. Whenever anyone dives into something new, there are plenty of trials and tribulations, there’s always something to learn and grow from. Not waivering in your hard work, dedication, and determination is what will make you grow and ultimately become successful. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time over the past year to read this blog, share these posts, and share with me their thoughts on how certain posts have made them feel. I always appreciate feedback. I’m very excited to continue working on and growing Flawless World. I can only imagine where the next year is going to take me.
So no, I won’t be getting the over-the-top lavish birthday party to celebrate my twenty-fifth year on this planet, and that’s okay. I don’t want that. I don’t need that. Instead, I’m going to take the day off and enjoy it with those closest to me. I’m going to go by the beach because it’s my favorite place in the entire world. I’m going to talk to my grandma and have a glass (or five) of champagne for her to honor her spirit and remember all the things she taught me while she was on this Earth. I’m going to take a moment to myself to reflect on how hard I’ve worked on this blog, and how far I’ve come with it in a year. I’m going to be present. I’m going to be grateful.
This is how I feel about my upcoming birthday. It is not going to be how I imagined turning 25 would be, but this birthday will be much more significant for me in many ways except for the age I’m turning.
