The other day, I was playing around with makeup and had to stop halfway through because my neck hurt so badly. I wasn’t able to push through it and twist my body like a pretzel so I’d be able to look in the mirror for just one more moment (because I have no mobility in my neck), I had to stop. My entire body was shaking, most likely from exhaustion. When I told my boyfriend what happened, I said something along the lines of: “I’d just like to be able to do my makeup every once in a while. I know I can’t do it everyday because it bothers my neck too much, but I just wish it’d be a little easier and wouldn’t cause my neck to feel like it’s on fire and throbbing, and leave me unable to move when I’m done.” He looked at me quizzically and said: “That shouldn’t even be a thing. You should be able to do a basic daily activity like applying makeup.” And that was when I realized it: holy sh*t. I’ve become so accustomed to living like this, in pain, that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have the freedom to do everyday tasks normally. I’m so used to not being able to do anything that I’m now wishing for the ability to do normal things every once in a while.
That’s the thing they don’t tell you about neck injuries (or any injury like it), you get so used to living in a constant state of pain that you forget what it’s like not to. Not being able to do anything at all is how I live my life, and it’s all I’ve known since my car accident almost three years ago now. (It was August 2017.) A few weeks ago, I was watching a documentary on the WWE Network surrounding pro-wrestler Edge, who had two different neck surgeries to fix herniated discs. In the documentary, he said something along the lines of: “After my neck surgery, when I woke up, the first thing I thought was ‘wow, I don’t have a headache!’” He then went on to say that he’d had a headache everyday for the previous two years and didn’t even know it. He had no idea that his head was hurting that whole time because of the fact that he was so accustomed to living that way. That really resonated with me.
Unless you’ve had a neck injury or are very, very, very close to someone who has (i.e a partner or spouse), then you have no idea what it feels like. The pain, as unbearable and debilitating as it is, isn’t even the worst part, though—it’s the feeling of imprisonment that comes along with the injury. It’s the fact that the quality of your life lowers and you can’t do anything on your own anymore. It’s the sad fact that no matter what, you’ll never be able to find relief. It’s knowing that even if you try to push yourself through it and ignore the pain, you know you’re going to feel it later tenfold; you’ll feel the repercussions for at least a week, but probably longer. It’s the fact that when you wake up in the morning you’re in pain, that things like 800mg ibuprofen or Tylenol dont bring you any sort of relief; ice, heat, CBD oil/cream, massages, PT, exercises, all of it, will never, EVER help. It’s the fact that you can’t get comfortable no matter how you sit, stand or lay down. It’s the tossing and turning you do at night when you’re trying to find the most optimal way to sleep, even though you know there isn’t one. It’s the fact that you walk around for years, carrying this pain, wearing it like a shield, until all at once it overtakes you and you have no choice but to succumb to it because you no longer have feelings in your hands, feet, fingers, and toes.
The most heartbreaking truth of all is the hopelessness you feel. I can’t even remember what it was like to not live in this kind of pain. Anyone who knows me knows how active I was before all of this happened. (See my confessional on my car accident for more details.) Anyone who knows me always says that I have a higher pain tolerance than almost everyone they know or have ever met., that I just take things as they are, deal with it, and move on. Growing up, my parents had a very low tolerance for any sort of complaining, and were very harsh on my brothers and I if we ever did. If any of us ever threw anything remotely close to a pity party, I have no doubt they would’ve politely told us to shut the f*ck up and move on before they kicked us out of the house. That mentality they instilled in me is what’s kept me going throughout everything in my life, including all of this. I’ve tried to make something out of a horrible thing, I’ve been trying to move on and get healthy again. There isn’t a thing on this planet I haven’t done, and nothing’s helped. I’ve gotten severely worse. It’s utterly devastating, not being a victim of circumstance and trying to build something from all of it while fighting for your health and answers for years, and still essentially getting nowhere because of your injury. I told my boyfriend last night that physically being unable to do certain things when I want to—like something as stupid and simple as putting on makeup—is so discouraging. What have I been fighting for?
In the Edge documentary, his wife, Beth Phoenix, said that daily life was difficult for the both of them. She said she’d watch her husband do things for two-three hours and then he’d have to lay down because of his neck. When she said that, my boyfriend and I looked at each other and he said to me, “that literally sounds just like you.”
It’s very hard to put into words exactly what it feels like, living like this, with the pain. I guess the best way I could describe it is that I feel powerless. No matter what I do, no matter how careful I am and what I avoid, I don’t get any relief. You may be reading all of this and thinking, well, why wouldn’t you just continue pushing on then? Why didn’t you finish your makeup the other day since you were already hurting? My answer? Because I already can’t do anything as it is, the pain is unbearable enough already, and I literally cannot push any farther. I can’t turn my neck, I can’t hold a mirror up, I can’t do anything. It’s not even like an “oh, I’m going to be in pain anyway, so I might as well keep doing it.” It’s, “I’m already in pain and can’t do anything as it is, so there’s absolutely no way I can try anything else because this has already made it so I can’t move.” Like I said, kind of hard to put into words, and hard to truly know unless you’ve lived it yourself.
Related: My Reaction to The Devastating News About My Neck Injury
I’m not asking for a miracle over here—trust me, that ship sailed away long ago—I just want to live the life of a normal, healthy twenty four year old. That’s all I want. I want to be able to go on a trampoline again if I ever want to, I want to be able to apply my skincare without feeling like my neck is going to snap off. Since my car accident, I kept insisting that something was wrong, and no one would listen to me. I’m not a doctor, I took everything my orthopedic said at face value, because what the hell do I know anyway? I didn’t study this stuff. It’s not like anyone can just walk into a specialists office, either. You need referrals, reasons, insurance approval, and the list goes on and on.
I remember reading an article after the Kobe and Gianna Bryant memorial (RIP) about Vanessa Bryant’s speech. In it, the author wrote that the saddest, most heartbreaking thing of all was the normalcy Vanessa Bryant so often referred to. The carpools, the dinners, and holidays—the normal, everyday things almost all of us experience. My neck injury isn’t the same thing, I’m not trying to compare, but it’s the picture I’m trying to paint: the hardest part of living with a neck injury like this is the loss of normalcy, the loss of all the things we take for granted every single day.
I’m not writing this as a way to make anyone feel bad for me, but rather to shine a light on how quickly life can change in an instant. Much like we’re learning now with COVID-19 ravaging the entire world and forcing us all to be put on lockdown, there are things we take for granted, things that we do and forget how lucky we are to be able to do them until we can’t anymore. There is no magic recipe, everyone is going to have good days and bad, but it’s important that none of us ever forget to smile and be thankful for all of the things we do have. I’d give anything to be able to learn a new activity in the spur of the moment like I used to. I can’t exercise the way I could before. I love Pilates and pure barre, but I can’t do either one of those because of my neck. I wanted to try a hot yoga class but couldn’t because of my injury. We need to capture every moment we can. Put down the phone, get over yourself and out of your own head, look at the world around you and smile. If someone challenges you, accept it if you can. Don’t take your job, family, or friends for granted, because it can all be gone in an instant.
Related: How I Picked Myself Up After My Car Accident
As far as my injury goes, I just want some normalcy back in my life. I want to be able to straighten my hair on my own or put on makeup whenever I feel like it. I don’t want washing my hair to be a project anymore. I want to be able to make it through a day without having to stop and lay down because of my injury. I don’t know how or if this return to normal life will ever come, but in the meantime, I’m focusing on doing everything I can to keep moving forward, and reminding the people I care about how much I love and appreciate them. This has become my normal, don’t take yours for granted.
Thank you again to everyone who has reached out to myself or my boyfriend with kind words, prayers, and well wishes. I really appreciate it, and it means more to me than you will ever know. I can’t advocate enough the importance of never drinking and driving. There are so many rideshare apps today that there really is no excuse; and if you can’t afford it, then you shouldn’t be going out anyway. There is nothing in the world that’s worth it. If you know someone who drinks and drives, please try to stop them from getting behind the wheel before it’s too late. Life can change in the blink of an eye. I had no idea what I had until I lost it all, and I’d be lying if I said I never wished I could get it all back sometimes; but I am where I am today, and this seemingly never-ending journey has made me who I am. And that’s someone I’m proud of you. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
“I have realized that the best step to take when trying to move forward in life is to accept that sometimes we have to let go of the life we expected to have and to start living the life we are given.” 💎
– Unknown
