Confessional: Why I Think My Boyfriend and I Don’t Fight

A couple weeks ago my boyfriend was texting his sister, and she asked if the two of us ever fight. Before answering, my boyfriend relayed the question to me and asked, “no, right? I don’t think we ever do fight, do you?” I thought about it for a moment—because it seems crazy that as a couple in a serious relationship that’s living together, there’d be some disagreements, and even small spats at the least—but I came up empty. I couldn’t think of the last time we fought about anything. I told my boyfriend I agreed, and after he answered the text, we started wondering what makes it so we never fight. Sure, we’ve always gotten along like best friends in addition to our romantic relationship, we’ve always had insane chemistry, but this goes beyond just getting along and being perfectly compatible with one another.

After answering the text, my boyfriend even asked me why I thought we never fight. Without thinking too hard about it, the first and most obvious reason that came to me as to why my boyfriend and I don’t fight is due to the fact that we communicate about absolutely everything. There isn’t ever a time where one of us doesn’t know where the other stands. Additionally, we always talk to and treat one another with respect. We don’t expect or demand anything out of the other. If I make dinner, my boyfriend will thank me, and I’ll do the same if he cleans. This has has been a huge strength in our relationship—and definitely a big reason why we don’t fight—but I couldn’t help but think that there was something deeper than that, some deeper reason as to why my boyfriend and I don’t fight, because I’ve seen firsthand couples communicate with one another, get all of their thoughts and feelings out into the open, and they’ll still argue.

I started ruminating on this. What makes it so my boyfriend and I don’t ever fight? And suddenly, the answer came to me, clear as day.

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 and 1/2 years (it’ll be 8 on June 25th!), and by now, we’ve both learned the other one inside and out; sometimes I think we both know the other better than we know ourselves (humans are typically the last ones to ever call themselves out on anything, lol). We know every part of one another inside and out, and we don’t want to change a single thing about the other one, nor do we expect to. This is perhaps the biggest reason why my boyfriend and I don’t ever fight. Because think about it: if there’s someone in your life that you love unconditionally—quirks and all—and you still don’t want to and wouldn’t change them, what’s there to really fight about? There’s nothing to ever get irritated over, there’s nothing that either one of us looks at as a “flaw” about the other one. There’s absolutely nothing to get mad over. Nothing at all.

Don’t get me wrong, we each have our own quirks. I, for example, am a messy and disorganized person when it comes to my belongings. (Oddly enough, I keep my to-do lists, events, and everything else organized because I am always writing things down or putting them into my phone), and my boyfriend is not. This was a big adjustment when we first moved in together because my boyfriend was used to living alone and having everything exactly how he wanted it, but instead of getting mad at the fact that I’m not as neat as him, he learned to work with it. Now, that’s not to say we didn’t discuss it—because we did—but it was the way in which the topic was brought up that made all the difference in the world.

My boyfriend would bring up my messiness in a joking and loving way, and I, in turn, would respond with another joke about how anal-retentive he was. Those jokes, though, would stay with each of us afterward because they were brought up in a loving, casual, and funny way, and would also lead each of us to being more conscious of our actions. The jokes also led us into discussing the actual topic at-hand. We both aired our grievances in a way that didn’t attack the other one, and from openly discussing it, we’ve been able to meet halfway. My boyfriend realized I wasn’t doing anything maliciously, I was just being myself. Likewise, I also realized that he wasn’t being annoying or controlling, he was just used to things being a certain way since he’d lived on his own for so long. Now, I’ve become more conscious of not scattering my belongings all over the house and keeping everything as organized as possible, and my boyfriend has learned to let go of wanting all surfaces to be completely clear at all times. We’ve come to a place where we’re balanced as far as disorganization goes.

My point is, if my boyfriend let the fact that I’m a messier person than him eat away at him, we definitely would’ve gotten into some major blowouts. He would’ve been stewing inside, frustrated at the fact that I wasn’t as organized as him, wanting to change me so I fit his expectations of comfort; then one day it would’ve finally bubbled over, and he would’ve exploded on me. At the end of the day, is me being messier than him really something worth fighting over? No, it’s not. There are way more bigger and important things to stress about, and we both know that. We both choose to put our energy into things that actually matter, that are directly affecting us.

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Another great thing about the particular subject of my messiness being broached the way it was [with jokes], is the fact that now, should anything arise about the subject again, neither one of us feels stressed or anxious about bringing it up. We’ve made it so it’s OK to talk about it, so there’s not a black cloud surrounding it; there’s nothing to dread. This is the approach we take to topics like this, and it’s worked well for us because it makes the entire subject, overall, lighter.

Now, have we ever had a disagreement? Of course! And though those times are rare (I think the last disagreement we had was over a year ago), we don’t ever let the disagreement get bigger than us. We don’t allow the disagreement to take over. Instead, one of us will usually choose to engage while the other sits back. If it’s a more serious topic, one of us will usually start with asking the other if we can talk to them. From there, we’ll have an open and honest discussion that involves listening with an open ear, and no attacking from either party. In the end, we always talk it through like adults. But no matter how big or small, if either one of us has to get something out, we do. We never, ever go the bed angry at each other, and we never let the disagreement become bigger than us. I think that’s also something that’s been so helpful in our relationship. We refuse to make mountains out of molehills, and the fact that we always know where the other one stands and don’t want to change anything about the other one makes it so disagreements don’t happen.

I think another strength that’s played into our relationship is also the fact that we keep our relationship between us. We don’t ever feel the need to vent about the other one, and we’ve learned from past mistakes at the beginning of our relationship that blabbing our business to others is a big no-no. It’s unfair to your partner, and opens the door for strangers to get in your ear about a relationship they’re not in and really know nothing about. My boyfriend and I both know that what goes on in our relationship is our business and our business alone. I can’t emphasize enough how crucial this is in creating a strong bond between two people.

If I had to sum it up, I think the reason why my boyfriend and I don’t fight is because we’re both content in who we are, and we both love the other one for exactly who they are. We don’t want to change each other, and because of that, there’s nothing to get irritated about. We communicate about everything, and there’s never any question of where the other one stands. We respect one another, and we don’t ever belittle or put the other one down; we don’t make fun of the other one for anything. We’re a team, we’re each other’s rock, and I know that neither one of us would change anything about our relationship for the world.