There are some people who know, deep in their bones, that they want to have a family some day. They are willingly ready to parent and know it’s a major goal in their life. And then there are others like me, who at the thought of being a parent feel, well… nothing. I don’t get excited at the idea of becoming a mom one day, of birthing a human I will take care of every day for the rest of my life; but I don’t feel repulsed by the idea, either. In all honesty, I don’t really feel anything. It’s kind of weird, because I truly don’t hate kids. I have a brother who’s ten years younger than me, and watching him grow from the time he was born has been one of the highlights of my life. When I hear a baby crying in public I don’t get annoyed, I sympathize with them because I know it can be frustrating to not get the right words out, and I know it’s not their fault that they’re crying. I think toddlers are adorable and I love playing with them whenever they’re around me. Elementary school kids are still adorable; even pre-teens are, because despite the major shifts occurring in their bodies, they still have that young, innocent, childlike quality about them.
I used to wonder if my maternal instinct was missing, I wondered if the wiring in my body was incorrect. But that can’t be, can it? Because surely I wouldn’t feel the way I do about children if all of that was wrong, right? I don’t think so.
So as I sit here, writing this, I have to ask myself: do I want children? I rack my brain trying to figure it out, dig deep inside my soul, try to pull something out, and the same answer comes to me every time: I don’t know.
What I do know, though, absolutely, for a fact, is that I do not want children right now.
Whenever someone asks me if I want children, I give them the same response, every single time: I don’t know if I want them one day, but I absolutely have no interest in becoming a mother right now, or any time soon. I always remind them that I’m only going to be 25 in September, and in ten years I may feel different. In all honesty, if I were to have kids, I wouldn’t want them until my mid-thirties anyway.
But the most annoying part of it all, is the fact that when I give people my honest answer, they look at me with a dead, blank stare, before blurting out: oh, so you do want kids. I swear sometimes that response makes me want to slap whoever just said it, and it takes every inch of me to refrain from doing so because, well, it’s illegal.
My boyfriend and I used to wonder if maybe there was some defect in each of us, because where we live, everyone’s getting married and popping out babies before they’ve reached thirty. Then we realized, if we lived in a place like NYC, the ones getting married and having kids so young where we live would probably be the outliers. There’s nothing wrong with either of these scenarios, not at all—everyone needs to live the life they want—it’s just interesting how like-minded people flock to each other.
All of this brings me to the bigger matter at hand. I am so over the topic of kids. Quite frankly, it’s exhausting. Why does it matter whether or not I want kids? How does me deciding at 35 instead of 25 affect anyone else’s life? Who the hell cares? I know how quickly the course of one’s life can change. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in five, ten, fifteen years, I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know is what I know today, and how I feel right now.
Try as you might, you can’t ever really plan for the future. None of us have a crystal ball and know what’s going to happen. It’s okay to not know what you want, it’s okay not to be certain about something, because who knows what’s going to happen?
Here’s the thing I’ve learned about people over the years: they like to put themselves and others in boxes. A lot of times, they have difficulty seeing things from someone else’s POV, they struggle with understanding how someone else could want something different than them; but really, what they struggle with most, is the fact that they’re scared they’re doing something wrong.
The truth is none of us know what we’re doing, we’re all just trying to get it right. There’s nothing wrong with me for feeling the way I do about kids, and there’s nothing wrong with people who know for certain they want or don’t want them. There wasn’t anything wrong with me waiting so long to move in with my boyfriend, and there’s nothing wrong with my boyfriend and I waiting to get married. If 2020 has taught anyone anything, it’s that nothing is truly ever certain. I think, as a society, it’s about time we embrace the unknowns, admit when we’re not certain. There’s no shame in admitting how you feel. My desire to get my neck healthy and excel in my career is stronger than any unknown to desire to be a mother I’ve ever had. I don’t feel ashamed about that, because there’s nothing wrong with me for feeling that way. Don’t ever be afraid to be different, to think outside the box, go against the grain. There’s no shame in following your heart, and giving in to your own desires.
