Having support in a relationship is everything. We all deal with and see so much negativity on a day-to-day basis, the last thing we need is it coming from our S.O. One of the greatest things about being in a relationship is having someone who will always cheer you on, be there for you in times of need, help pick you back up when you fall, and lend a listening ear when you need it. It’s like having your own personal cheerleader, but better. And having a partner who doesn’t feel like that can cause major problems in your relationship, like a big piece of the puzzle is missing.
Support from your S.O can come in many forms, those of which I’ve listed below, while lack of support can also come in many forms, those of which I’ve listed below as well. The fact of the matter is this: support exists in a healthy relationship, and lack of support should be addressed and dealt with.
So, does your partner support you? I’ve broken down the signs that say they do, the ones that say they don’t, and how you can address that lack of support and move forward in a healthy relationship.
Does your partner support you?
Signs they do:
- They encourage everything you do. This is probably one of the most glaringly obvious signs that you have a partner who supports you. A supportive partner will encourage everything you do—even small things, like continuing to move forward when you’re having a really bad day. They won’t ever belittle you or put you down.
- They’re careful when it comes to giving you advice. Relationships are about two individuals, capable of taking care of themselves and making their own decisions, coming together to share a life. A supportive partner isn’t going to tell you what to do. Instead, they’ll pick and choose their words very carefully when it comes to giving advice. Even if they disagree with you, they won’t discourage you. They won’t interject or talk over you, and they’ll hear you out regardless of the subject. They will take the time to voice their own views in a way where they’re not telling you what to do.
- They support you even when they disagree. This is a major sign that your S.O has your back. If you do something that they necessarily don’t agree with, they might make their opinion heard, but in the end, they’ll support you and be there for you regardless, and be there for you no matter the outcome. Support shouldn’t come only when you agree with someone.
- They’re happy for your successes. Everyone has bad days now. If your partner is having a bad day on the same day you’ve achieved a milestone in your life, they’ll still be genuinely happy for you. They won’t be dismissive or put you down even though they may be struggling personally.
Signs they don’t:
- They discourage and belittle you constantly. Someone who doesn’t support you won’t lift you up, but they will, in fact, bring you down. If your partner is belittling and/or discouraging you from anything and everything 24/7, that’s a sign they don’t have your back.
- They’re controlling. As I said, a relationship should be about two people—who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves—coming together to share their lives and make it their own. It shouldn’t be the opposite; the relationship shouldn’t be about one controlling person who makes all the decisions.
- Everything is one-sided. If you have a partner who talks over you or who you can’t speak freely around, they are not supportive. A lot of times this will be masked by your S.O saying something along the lines of: “I have your best interests at heart, trust me.” Their controlling nature will be hidden beneath caring words. This is not the behavior of a supportive partner.
- They make you feel guilty for your successes. If you feel guilty, the need to hide your successes from your partner, and/or the need to shrink yourself around your S.O, you most definitely do not have a supportive partner. If you find that you’re more worried about your partner’s feelings than your own—such as excitement or any celebration of your own achievements—you might have an unsupportive partner. Oftentimes, when someone is unhappy for you and your success, it’s rooted from jealousy and/or insecurity.
What to do:
The cold, hard truth is this: being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support you is only going to make you feel more alone. Now, with that being said, if you feel as though you’re in a relationship with an unsupportive partner, you can try to fix it, but you’re going to need to talk to them about it. That may sound scary and overwhelming, which is why it’s a good idea to try and figure out how you can best broach the subject and articulate your feelings honestly ahead of time. This can be done through things like journaling, laying out and organizing all your thoughts, meditation, or with the help of a professional.
During this process you may find that you’re second-guessing yourself, wondering if you’re asking too much of them, if any of this is really a big deal. If this starts happening to you, know this: asking your partner to be supportive of you isn’t asking too much. As long as you don’t expect your partner to fulfill all of your wants, needs, and self-esteem, you’re justified. It’s unfair to you to be in a relationship where you’re supporting someone without any reciprocation.
Once you have everything all laid out and know exactly what you want to say, set aside time to sit down with your partner and really talk. Approach them kindly, don’t talk to or belittle them the way that they do to you. This will show that your intentions are good, and that you’re mature enough to have an open and honest conversation. Keep in mind that it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. It’s also important that you don’t hold anything back. Don’t quiet your feelings or feel guilty for having them. It’s time to address the problems in your relationship. After all, a healthy and supportive relationship will allow both parties to talk openly, freely, and honestly.
Additionally, really lay out to your partner how their lack of support makes you feel; include some examples and use them as a reference point if you want. No one is perfect, and human beings are prone to being selfish sometimes. There’s a chance that your partner may be completely unaware of how they’re acting and how it’s affecting you—which again is why having an open and honest discussion about it is so important. If that’s the case, there’s a good chance that they will be willing to work on things because they truly love and care for you, and someone who feels that way will be willing to hear you out, and put their words into action and make the effort.
If you have this talk with your partner and find that nothing changes, you need to ask yourself this: is this the kind of relationship you want to be in for the long haul? That’s when you’ll have to take a good, hard look inside of yourself, and maybe come to terms with the fact that it might be time to say goodbye. Life is too short to be with someone who inherently doesn’t support or have your genuine best interests at heart.
