Is Your Relationship Worth Fighting For?

In almost all relationships, there comes a point when you have to decide if you want to keep fighting, or if you want to give up and go your separate ways. Neither one of these choices is easy, and contrary to popular opinion, staying and fighting for a relationship after something devastating is a lot harder than giving up and walking away. Forgiveness, change, and growth are dependent on the best possible outcome for both of these scenarios.

You may be recovering from an earth-shattering blow to your relationship and soul, or you may be getting over your first big blowout as a couple—whatever the case may be, you’re going to have to make a decision and figure out what’s best for you. You may be wondering whether or not you should cut your losses and step away before you get hurt even further, you may be wondering if your relationship can survive or will ever be the same again. You might not know what the right answer is, and you may even be tempted to go against everything you’ve ever believed in. While there is no one-size-fits-all answer, there are signs that differentiate whether or not your relationship is worth fighting for. Below I’ve broken down these signs, and what to do to rebuild and overcome whatever situation you’re in.

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Signs your relationship’s worth fighting for:

• If you find that the good outweighs the bad, your relationship is probably worth fighting for. No relationship is ever going to be perfect, and every relationship has their ups and downs, so don’t let yourself get scared and runaway during one of those low points, especially if it’s one of the first low points your relationship has hit. For example, maybe you and your S.O got into a very heated arugment and both of you said things you shouldn’t have, and maybe you’ve made up but you were still left feeling confused about where your relationship stands. Perhaps you find yourself worrying about whether or not these types of arguments are going to become cyclical and you think the best option is to just run, before it’s too late. However, before you do that, make sure you stop to think long and hard about the implications of your decision. If the problem is something that can be talked to and has only just occurred, it’s probably not something worth throwing away your relationship over.
• In addition, if you’re both open and willing to work on the relationship and your individual shortcomings, then your relationship is definitely worth fighting for. If the two of you are receptive to the other one’s wants, needs, and hurts, are willing to make an effort, and both want the relationship to work, then that’s all the reason you need to keep on fighting and working through things.
• Time and circumstances are also something to consider. Have the two of you been together for a long time and weathered through dark storms as a couple before? Are you married? Do you have children together? While all of these things may not seem like reasons to stay, it’s equally important to consider them when weighing out whether or not the relationship’s worth fighting for. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and there’s no shame in fighting for something that has deep-rooted history. This one is a very gray area type of idea, which is why it’s something to take into serious consideration when deciding whether or not your relationship is worth the fight.

How to:

Before I dive into the how to go about this fight, I want to point out that it takes a lot more strength and courage to stay in a relationship and weather a storm than walking away ever will. Walking away is the easier option, and it takes bravery to stay and fight for what you believe in.

Of course life isn’t black and white, which is why there will never be a clear-cut, one-size-fits-all answer, but I want to reiterate the fact that there is no shame in fighting for your relationship, as long as you’re not the only one fighting.

With that being said, the first thing you and your partner are going to want to do is lay all your cards out on the table. Now is not the time to hold anything back, let it all out. From there, it’s important that you and your partner stay honest with each other and communicate everything you’re feeling, no matter how small. There is no room for hypocrisy, so make sure you’re not going to condemn your partner for something for the rest of their life while you’re out doing exactly the same thing and vice-versa. (Disclaimer: hypocrisy is one of my absolute biggest pet peeves. It makes no sense for someone to get on their high horse and look down on you when they’re doing the same thing and justifying their reasoning.) “You did this, so I did this” is not going to work in this situation, neither one of you are two year olds; you’re both capable adults and know that two wrongs don’t make a right.

Also, if you find you and your S.O are have trouble communicating without turning things into a heated argument, you may want to consider bringing in a third party, such as a therapist. Someone with neutral ground may be able to point out how each of you are feeling, the areas you need to work on, and also help you understand where the other one is coming from. In my relationship my boyfriend and I have found that keeping things to ourselves and working through them together as a couple is what’s best for us, but everyone is going to be different. Strong communication is necessary, and there’s no shame in doing whatever it takes to get there.

At the end of the day, a relationship will not work unless the two people involved want it to. It takes two to tango, and it takes two to fulfill a relationship. Keep things real, and don’t be ashamed of any emotions you may have. In time, you and your partner will look back on this and be thankful for the rough patch because of how much stronger and healthier it made you as individuals and couple as a whole.

Signs your relationship’s not worth fighting for:

• Staying in a relationship out of comfort or because you’re scared to be alone is no reason to continue fighting for a relationship. As humans, we’re prone to fall into comfort zones, it’s only natural, so it’s easy to look at your relationship or S.O as your safety net; but if you’re unhappy or the only one present, how safe can that relationship really be? It’s important that you’re honest with yourself and admit why you’re still fighting. If comfort or fear of being alone is one of the reasons, you’re in a losing battle.
• If you make a chart on the cons versus the pros of your relationship and find that the cons outweighs the pros, that’s a good indication that the relationship is not worth fighting for. I don’t just mean little petty cons either–I mean the big cons, the kind where your S.O makes you cry more times a week than they make you laugh. When it comes to this, you’ll also probably know in your heart that it isn’t right. Knowing all of this and fighting regardless is futile, and a classic example of an addiction rather than true love.
• If this isn’t the first time you’ve gone down this road, it might be time to throw in the towel. Your partner may tell you over and over again that they want to make the relationship work, but when it comes down to it, their actions don’t line up. You can’t be the only one fighting for the relationship.

How to:

The thought that your relationship isn’t worth fighting for, especially if you’ve been fighting for so long, may seem terrifying and heartbreaking. It’s never easy to walk away when you don’t want to, but if the signs above are the ones you resonated with the most, then the ending is inevitable. You’re going to run yourself into the ground for nothing.

The first thing you should do is start picturing your life on your own. Get used to the idea of being independent, of not having someone by your side at all times. It’s imperative that you admit to yourself that it won’t be all rainbows and butterflies. It’s going to hurt and be hard, but you need to remind yourself that you can’t keep hurting, you can’t be the only one who wants to make the relationship work.

Going off of what I mentioned in the reasons why you should keep fighting for your relationship, if you’ve been with someone for many years, are married, have a family with them, you’ve been trying time after time, year after year to make the relationship work, there has to come a point where enough is enough. When this time comes, it will not be easy, it will downright suck, but try to keep in mind what kind of role model you want to be for people who look up to you, especially your children (if you’re a parent). I’ve said before in previous posts that I always think about the kind of role model I want to be for my younger brother and go from there. There is no right answer, but no child wants to see either one of their parents hurting. Trying to make something work for your family can be good and show your children that true love is fragile and can be repaired again with delicate care as long as both parties are committed to it, but showing them being treated unfairly and being upset more times than not is not going to give them the tools needed to have a successful and healthy relationship down the line.

If you’re having trouble leaving, or find that you’re unsure of whether or not you’re making the right choice, try keeping a daily journal. Use the journal to write whatever you want–your emotions, activities for the day (even if they’re as unexciting as cleaning and picking up groceries for the week), random thoughts that pop into your head–write it all down. Keeping a journal will allow you to track your innermost thoughts deeply, and also give you the proof and validation you need to leave the relationship once and for all. Laying out your emotions like this is also extremely therapeutic, and will be able to help you work on any unresolved feelings you may be having about the whole thing.

At the end of the day, just know that you can’t be the only one trying to make the relationship work. It may be devastating and you’ll probably feel like you’ve wasted your time, but everything in life is a learning opportunity. There will always be struggles and heartbreak, but you’re going to survive. Every day will get a little easier, and it’s better to get out now before it’s too late and you can’t find a way out. Who knows, maybe down the road you and your partner will run into each other and things will work out. As tricky as life is, it’s also unpredictable. Don’t ever sell yourself short, and once you realize what you deserve, make sure you go out and find just that.