“And I can be needy/Way too damn needy/Tell me how good it feels to be needed” Ariana Grande belts out in her song “needy.” Although she makes it sound like being needy in a relationship is a good thing, most of us know that being referred to as “the needy one” in a relationship is the equivalent of slapping a scarlet letter onto someone. But what happens when someone isn’t actually being needy, and they’re just vying for the attention they think (and probably do) deserve?
No one wants to be perceived as being needy in a relationship, and it seems as though that term is thrown around so loosely that it’s lost all meaning and context now. Ask for more alone time with your partner: needy; try to tell them you’ve been feeling neglected: needy; have a really bad day at work and then have a mental breakdown when your partner goes out with their work friends for the fifth night in a row: needy.
There is nothing wrong with making sure you get the attention you deserve from your partner. Relationships involve two people, and it’s up to both parties to make sure the other doesn’t feel neglected. We all walk through life with enough bumps in the road and people who don’t pay attention to us when they should—we don’t want to come home and get the same treatment from our partner, too.
There’s a time and place where the word needy can be used to properly describe someone, just like there’s a lot of times where describing someone as needy is completely incorrect. Below I’m going to break down what the true difference is between someone who’s being needy, and someone who’s making sure they get the attention they deserve.
Neediness versus getting deserved attention:
Let’s begin by breaking down certain traits that a needy person possesses. Typically, a needy person…
- Can’t do anything on their own. They need their partner by their side 24/7.
- Will be too dependent on their S.O. They won’t be able to properly function on their own.
- Will continue to be desperate for their partner’s approval, and also feel like nothing’s ever enough.
- Will usually have anxiety attacks or symptoms that mimic anxiety attacks at the thought of doing something without their partner, or when they actually do something solo.
Unless someone’s exuding those key signs listed above, they’re not needy. Oftentimes, the label “needy” is used when one person doesn’t want to deal with the issue or hear out what their S.O has to say. Now that we’ve broken that down, let’s get into some examples of someone who’s making sure they get the attention they deserve.
- If someone’s S.O is being downright selfish (i.e making big decisions without including the other one, ignoring their opinion or reasoning, not taking them or their feelings seriously because they’re “busy”), making their frustrations known isn’t a bad thing—at all. No relationship can survive if one party is caught up in themselves. Even if it’s accidental, letting their partner know what’s up is OK.
- Imagine this: you go out on a date, and your S.O spends half the time across from you glued to their phone; how annoyed would you be by the end of the night? If someone asks their partner to reserve their nights out to them and them alone, they’re not being needy, they’re being smart and stopping the problem before it escalates any further.
- Dealing with someone who’s head is in the clouds 24/7 can really test someone’s patience, so if they let their partner know how they’re acting and asking that they pay more attention to them, they’re being smart and making sure they get what they deserve.
What to do about neediness:
If there’s true neediness in your relationship, it’s going to pose a lot of problems. Relationships are about two individuals coming together to share something special and magical, and when one person suddenly makes their S.O their entire world or lets their partner define who they are as a human, they’re going to push their S.O away.
If you feel like you’ve been acting needy in your relationship lately—don’t panic, it’s fixable. A lot of times the needy one in the relationship isn’t even aware of their actions, nor are they aware of how their behavior is affecting their relationship. The best thing you can do is find things to do for yourself and yourself alone. It can be a true passion of yours like dancing or singing, a hobby such as gardening or playing the piano, or even spending your alone time doing things like at home facials, binge-watching bad TV, or reading trashy celeb gossip magazines. Whatever the case may be, you need something that’s yours. Something that no one can take away from you. Before I was wrestling, I myself struggled with this sometimes because I was still trying to figure out who I was. I knew what I liked and what my passion was, but I didn’t know how to get there. I’m sure I had moments in my relationship where I was needy, but all of that went away once I started pursuing my dream and truly had something to focus on.
Your relationship should never define you—it should be like a little icing on the cake. Sure, I tell people I am a girlfriend, yes, I have a boyfriend, but I would still be the same person even if I was single. Having someone to share your life with doesn’t change the person you were before the relationship, and the person you are now.
On the flip side, if you feel like your partner’s neediness has become a problem in your relationship as of late, it’s important that you have an open, honest conversation about it before the problem really escalates. I’ll probably say this for the rest of my life, but communication is key in all relationships. If your partner’s pushing you away with their desperation, you need to tell them that—in a nice way, of course.
Try to remind your partner that they were their own person before the two of you got together. Independence is always attractive, and let them know how attractive you found them when you first met. (Make sure you reiterate how attractive you still find them, too; or else you’re most likely going to get into a big blowout.) It’s also good to talk about the fact that you both need things for yourselves. However, during that discussion your partner may tell you that they have nothing they want as their own, nothing their passionate about, nothing they want to do. If that happens, try sitting down with them and brainstorming what makes them happy in general on a piece of paper (so you can refer back to it and see it written out). Within that conversation, they may discover somehing they can try doing that they’d never even thought of before. If your S.O is scared of starting something new on their own, try offering to help them get started. My boyfriend’s come with me to certain things, and I with him, but we’ve never needed the other one there to function. We do things together because we like being around each other, but if we had to do it on our own, we’d be able to.
How to handle getting attention deserved:
A few years ago there was an issue of Cosmopolitan magazine with Nicki Minaj on the cover. To this day, I can still see in my mind so clearly the statement printed underneath the rapper’s name. It read: “I demand an orgasm every time.” Now, does her demanding that make her needy? No! Absolutely not—she’s simply making sure she gets what she deserves! Seeking the attention you deserve is nothing to be ashamed about.
Like I mentioned above, more often than not, people don’t realize how their actions come across or affect the people around them. When it comes down to it, humans are selfish; so it’s not all that surprising when people absentmindedly get caught up in themselves.
Bluntness is your BFF when it comes to fixing this problem. You need to tell your partner why you feel the way you do and how their actions are affecting you. Just remember that there’s a major difference between being blunt and being rude. You can be blunt by getting directly to the point and still be nice. Remember: it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Blurting something out out of context out of nowhere doesn’t make you blunt, it makes you an as*hole.
Years ago, I found myself getting irritated with my boyfriend because I felt like his head was in the always clouds and he never paid attention to me when I was talking to him. I’d been working the same work schedule for three years at that point, and I still remember the time he texted me: what are you doing? You haven’t answered me all morning! Are you okay?? I replied: I’m at work. I’m working a double today. His answer? Holy sh*t! Since when do you work Saturday’s?! I thought you were at the gym this whole time! It is pretty funny looking back now, but at the time it was a recurring thing, and one that made me want to bash my head against a wall. I understand forgetting things here and there, but not knowing a simple work schedule after years, after I’d told you repeatedly the night before I was working the following day? Yeah, I felt like everything I ever said went in one ear and out the other. My thought process was this: if my boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to something as stupid and simple as my work schedule, what else is he not he paying attention to?
When I first tried talking to him about it he told me I was acting like a needy girlfriend, he didn’t want to hear what I had to say because he thought I was being ridiculous. Instead of backing down, I had a long talk with him and laid out exactly how I was feeling. By the end of the conversation, he understood why the things he thought were silly to complain about equated to a much larger feeling I had of being ignored. (Disclaimer: we were both really young, and my boyfriend is the total opposite now, which is amazing.) Had I not laid out everything, he wouldn’t of ever known what was going on and how frustrated I felt—he wouldn’t of been able to fix the problem because he wouldn’t of been able to see it himself. In turn, he also explained to me why he thought I was being a bit ridiculous with some things, and I was able to look at things from his point of view. It was a very therapeutic conversation for the both of us, and one that helped ultimately strengthen our relationship.
Talk to your partner without sugar coating it. Relay the message in a calm, neutral way. If your relationship is good overall, your partner won’t dismiss what you have to say. Make your S.O see how they’re making you feel and why you deserve more. As your partner, they should want the relationship to succeed, and they won’t want to push you away. Relationships are 50/50, and you both deserve to live out your most individual flawless lives together, side-by-side. That’s the beauty of relationships: you can still be your own person, yet still have that one person with you along for the ride.
