Confessional: What My Vision for the Future Looks Like

When one door closes another one opens—or so they say. Although the cliché saying rings true, many times after one door has been closed, a lot of us find ourselves drifting in place. Sometimes we may not even know what we’re looking for, so we’re unable to find that opening; we’re unable to find that new door because we’ve somehow landed in a perpetual state of limbo. This is the predicament I found myself in after my car accident in 2017.

It’s no secret that that car accident at the beginning of August 2017 changed the course of my life forever. I’ve been very candid about the struggles and injuries that have transpired because of it, and also opened up about the dream and passion—professional wrestling—that was taken away from me. What ensued in the aftermath of this accident sent me on a spiral and new path filled with many new things—new emotions, realities, injuries, heartbreak, loss, healing, growth, and self-discovery; a journey I’m still on today. But what happened immediately after left me in a total state of shock and, what felt like at the time, disrepair. Somehow, I had to pick up the broken pieces of myself, my life, and the things and people I loved, and put them back together again.

As I was waiting to learn the extent of my injuries, going to PT, numerous doctors appointments and specialists, getting x-rays and MRI’s, I suddenly had all this free time I never had before. The only upside to the fact that my accident happened when it did was the fact that it was summertime and I could escape from my shattered reality by laying outside and reading. Seriously—I think that was the only thing that kept me sane in the immediate aftermath. I also got really lucky that year because Mother Nature decided to have a loooong summer—the kind that overtakes fall completely, and that kept me going up until right before Thanksgiving, which was when I realized then that I needed to find something to keep me occupied; something that would be good for me and require my attention, that I could do with my [worsening] injuries, and would give me a creative outlet. It was then that I decided I was going to write a book. I’ve always loved writing ever since I was a little girl. From as young as 6, I’ve religiously kept journals to jot down my thoughts, or to even start stories in. I’ve always been a very creative person.

It took me a little over a year to complete my entire novel. During that time I was also preoccupied with rehabbing my shoulder after my surgery, and dealing with the fact that my neck injury had still not gotten better and was only continuously getting worse. Regardless, writing my novel was definitely a good distraction, but I still felt like something was missing in my life.

That was all in 2018. Fast-forward to February 2019, and I decide that I’m finally going to do the thing that I’d been wanting to do for years—had wanted to do even before I started my YouTube channel in 2015—I was going to start a blog. I decided to play off of my wrestling name, Arianna Diamond, and my tagline “Flawless”, and I created Flawless World. From then until its release day—September 1, 2019–I worked religiously on this blog, designing it all myself, setting up and integrating my newsletter, downloading plugins, the layout, fonts, colors, posts, and more. The launch day coincided with my 24th birthday, and on that day, I felt like I had fully transformed. I’d been on this long journey of healing since my car accident, and I felt like I’d done a complete metamorphosis.

Boy, was I wrong.

During this time I learned that I had a lot more healing to do on myself from traumas in my past; they gripped me completely and slowly took over my whole life, shrouding me until I felt utterly powerless. I was (and still am) reminded day in and day out of the things that I had lost thanks to the persisting neck and shoulder injury that was chaining me to the past. I felt like the past wouldn’t let go of me, and I had no idea why. No matter how hard I tried to stay positive, I felt like something was always blocking me and standing in my way. I felt like I was repeatedly running full-speed into a brick wall. I couldn’t understand why, I felt like I was trying to claw my way up out of quicksand. I know that there are things in life beyond our understanding, and I accept that, but still, I felt like I couldn’t escape. I felt permanently tethered to the past, despite the fact that I was really trying to make the best out of a sh*tty situation and move forward.

It was also during this time that I’d come to slowly accept that I was probably never going to be able to wrestle again, that the chances of me actually getting back in the ring were slim to none. Although I may have come to this conclusion on my own, I don’t think I ever voiced it aloud. Looking back now, I think the reason I never voiced it aloud was because there was still some small subconscious part of me holding onto that dream. It took me until sometime in December 2020–over 3 years since I’d last gotten in the ring and my car accident—to realize I was doing this. I suddenly saw the tiny part of me that was holding onto my dream of becoming a professional wrestler in the way I’d talk about or answer questions about it. People would ask me questions like, “when are you getting in the ring again?”; “when are you going back to wrestling?” And I’d answer with something along the lines of, “hopefully soon, after I get this neck injury fixed, but until then, I’m doing this blog!” I realized that in my responses, I was essentially saying that I was still holding out for wrestling, and in the meantime, I was doing something else to fill my time and keep me occupied; something that I wasn’t fully committed to and invested in, a replacement or time-filler for my real dream.

And that was what was holding me back.

I was hitting all of these roadblocks because, despite the fact that one door had been slammed in my face, some small part of me was still holding onto what was inside. I couldn’t fully embrace the blog and I kept hitting all these brick walls repeatedly because I was still holding onto the past. When I realized this, I knew what I had to do. I knew that if I didn’t let go of the past I would be forever chained to it. It was then that I finally let go of wrestling once and for all, and it was then that things started going a little smoother for me; blog numbers started going up, social media interaction increased, my creativity started flowing more, new ideas starting coming to me organically. For the first time in years, I felt hope; I felt lighter.

Now, given the opportunity, I truly don’t think I would go back to wrestling. I feel like I’ve moved on from that chapter in my life. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t my passion or that I wasn’t obsessed with it at the time I was pursuing it; it simply means that that part of my life is done. That chapter is over. I really let that door close. I locked it and threw away the key.

Although I’d finally let go of wrestling, I didn’t find the opening to another door right away. In fact, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life exactly, I didn’t know what my future looked like; I didn’t have a vision for it. All I knew was that I wanted to do something creative and in the spotlight. I fully surrendered, and trusted that the answer would come to me when the time was right. I didn’t have a vision for Flawless World either, but all I knew was that I was going to keep working at it and surrendering. I had to, I knew that if I didn’t, the answer would never come to me.

The answer came to me about 2 weeks ago as I was revamping my blog layout and updating it a little bit. I was looking at other bigger blogs for some inspo, and just looking at various layouts, possibilities, and aesthetics got me genuinely excited. Thinking about the posts I was going to write got me genuinely excited, just like the way talking about it with others does as well. It was when I was walking with my boyfriend and he asked what my vision for the blog was that I finally had the answer: I’m going to make Flawless World a staple in the blog world and internet; I’m going to grow it and eventually employ other people to work with me on it; I’m going to turn it into a powerhouse online magazine. I’m putting it out there now: I’m going to make it happen, and I’m going to manifest it. Starting my own blog was something I’d wanted to do for years because of my love for writing and magazines. I loved reading magazines growing up. Now that I’ve finally started it, seen it through, and truly let go of my wrestling dream, my vision for the future and what I want out of life couldn’t be more clear. This is what I want to do with my life.

I don’t feel like I replaced one dream with another. Rather, I feel like I had one dream that didn’t work out—not because of me or anything I did, or for lack of commitment and trying, but because of forces beyond my control. I kept at that dream and held out hope, but after being told by numerous neurosurgeons and having a generalized understanding of the human body, I’ve accepted that I have to let it go, and I’m OK with that. Now, I’m happy and fulfilled in the same way I was while pursuing wrestling. The blog didn’t replace my old dream—it is my dream now. One door closed and another door opened when I least expected it and allowed it to come to me organically. I think this is true for everyone. We may have one door close and another one open somewhere, but you can’t go looking for it. It won’t be until you fully relinquish control and surrender that it’ll come to you. Now that I’ve found my new opening, who knows what else will come my way?