Letting someone peer inside your soul can be a scary thing. Showing another human who you really are opens you up to possible hurt and rejection. It’s easy to stay closed off—so many people have one foot in a relationship and one foot out the door nowadays—but what happens when you keep those walls up while you’re in a relationship? Can it survive?
Short answer: it can’t. A successful relationship is contingent on two people being vulnerable with each other regardless of the bad ways it could end. Vulnerability builds intimacy and a bond between two people, and when that’s missing, there’s only a surface level attraction and relationship left. True love and intimacy happens when you show yourself to someone—the good parts, the bad, and everything in between—and they still love you anyway. Staying closed off will only hold you back, and if you’re serious about the relationship you’re in, it’s crucial that you open yourself up.
Opening yourself up can be scary, and it’s something many people struggle with or have struggled with in the past (*raises hand*), but there are steps you can take to open yourself up to make your relationship last and forge that true connection. Here’s how.
Get to know yourself better
If you’re having a hard time opening up, you’re going to want to try to figure out where that stems from. Ask yourself why you’re afraid to open up. This reluctance to vulnerability usually comes from something that has happened in the past. Explore the big, impactful moments in your life and how they made you feel.
Additionally, you’re going to want to try to work out your feelings. Why do you think you feel this way about opening up? Are you scared to bare your soul to your partner? To understand anything in life, you must first understand where it stems from. Getting to know yourself better is not something that will be worked out overnight; it’s something that will require time, dedication, patience, and effort. It can be difficult to work out what’s going on in your mind mentally, so doing things like journaling or talking to a life coach or therapist can be helpful. Write down what you believe to be the root cause of the issue and try to explore it from there. Don’t be afraid to address your insecurities and work on them as well; figuring out where they stem from and ways you can work on them will also help you get more acquainted with who you are.
You can’t expect your partner to understand you if you don’t understand yourself, which is why getting to know yourself better is key in allowing yourself to open up in your relationship.
Trust your feelings
It can be hard to instinctually know and trust your feelings when you’re having a difficult time opening yourself up. A lot of times, this comes from fearing that your S.O will invalidate your emotions. Someone who’s already struggling with opening themselves up won’t want to take that risk, they much prefer keeping themselves closed off so they won’t get laughed at or dismissed.
The best thing you can do is learn to trust yourself. You’re allowed to feel a certain way, and you should be able to talk to your partner without them belittling you (as long as you’re not attacking and blaming them). Get to know your feelings and where they stem from, and understand that you’re not wrong for them.
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Be honest with yourself and partner
Now is not the time to lie to yourself or sweep things under the rug—that’s only going to cause more problems for both you and your relationship in the long-run—it’s time to be open and honest with yourself and your partner. What do you need out of this relationship? How do you feel? If you’re unable to be honest with yourself, you’ll never be able to open up. (Saying “I’m fine” is a common way people ignore what’s going on inside.) If you’re unsure of what you’re feeling exactly and why you’re feeling that way, implementing practices such as journaling or talking to a specialist can be helpful in figuring things out.
You can be totally transparent with your partner and not cause a fight. Think before you speak; words are powerful. Don’t accuse your S.O of ignoring your feelings or not paying attention to your wants and needs if you haven’t communicated or are unsure of what they are yourself. Also, make sure you pick the right time to lay out your feelings to your partner—don’t do it when they’re in the middle of something, reading, cleaning, etc. Wait until you’re both in a good mood and your relationship is in a safe place.
Open dialogue
In turn, being honest with your partner requires you to do the same—you need to be open to hearing things from their POV and without invalidating or telling them they’re wrong for feeling that way. Relationships are a two-way street, and you can’t finally allow yourself to be vulnerable only to dismiss whatever your partner has to say in return. As a couple, you both need to be willing to listen and hear the other one out without attacking or putting them down. Part of opening yourself up means taking down those walls and allowing your partner in, but it also means letting in your S.O’s feelings and dealing with them together, as a team.
Fight the fear
Fear can be an underlying issue when it comes to struggling with opening yourself up. It can be a fear of being rejected, fear of being invalidated, fear of getting hurt, and more. Giving in to that fear is only going to give it more power and hold you back. Real courage and strength comes from opening yourself up fully; strong people don’t keep themselves guarded because they’re afraid of getting hurt. Try acknowledging the fear, but don’t give it any power. Acknowledge it, then move on despite it. Open yourself up in the face of it. If you allow fear to control you now, it’s only going to seep into every other aspect of your life as well, and eventually it’ll be the only thing that has power over you.
