There’s been a shift over the last few years surrounding the topic of mental health. Where it used to be dismissed, laughed at, or even considered taboo, it is now a more accepted, popular, and widely discussed topic. Which isn’t a bad thing; after all, talking about mental health should be normal and acceptable. That being said, there is one term that keeps popping up all over the Internet and social media lately: attachment styles. The term is often used when discussing behavioral patterns in relationships, and how your attachment style may affect how you interact in them. Like many of you, this also me wondering: what are attachment styles, and what do they mean?
I set out to learn more, and I was not disappointed. I gained major insight into the way I interact in relationship, my boyfriend’s behavioral patterns in them, and more. Suddenly, there were pieces of the puzzle that clicked into place. Keep on reading to learn all about attachment styles and what they mean, and gain insight into your own behavioral patterns in relationships.
Attachment styles: what do they mean?
What are attachment styles?
Attachment theory is a psychological evolutionary and ethological theory concerning the relationships between humans. Attachment is formed early—around the time we are 10-20 months old, and is based off of our relationship with and the behavior of our earliest caregivers. This emotional bond we form affects the way we function in all relationships—not just romantic ones—with others as adults, and molds our adult attachment style.
Typically, when attachment is disturbed during infancy, an insecure attachment style will be formed rather than a secure one. Having an insecure attachment style will usually create dysfunctional relationship patterns with others as an adult.
Additionally, although many researchers and psychologists believe that attachment is formed during our earliest years of life, the trauma we face as adults can affect our attachment and the way we behave in relationships.
The 4 different attachment styles:
There are 4 different types of attachment style, with the first one being a secure attachment style, and the latter three being insecure attachment styles, they are:
#1. Secure Attachment
Considered the “goal” attachment style, people with this attachment are typically self-content, sociable, warm, and easy to connect to; they are able to form loving and secure relationships with others and have the ability to express and receive love. Adults with secure attachments aren’t afraid of intimacy, are typically very goal-oriented and independent, trusting, and trustworthy. According to the Attachment Project, this style is usually a result of “good” caregiving during childhood: the caregivers met the child’s needs, and made them feel safe, seen, and heard.
#2. Avoidant Attachment
On the outside, adults with this attachment seem pretty happy and content with their life: they’re usually very independent, have a high self-esteem, don’t rely on others for reassurance, and tend to build their confidence on each personal success. However, inside, they fear both emotional and physical intimacy, and may have trouble forming meaningful relationships. Per Yahoo, these adults have trouble getting close to and trusting others, and relationships often make them feel “suffocated.” This attachment style may be a result of the primary caregivers being dismissive, unresponsive, or uncaring to the child’s needs.
#3. Anxious Attachment
Perhaps the opposite of avoidant attachment, people with this attachment style have a fear of abandonment. The name says it all: a person with anxious attachment is anxious about being loved and validated by others. They often need constant reassurance in relationships, seek out intimacy and closeness, fear being alone, are highly emotional, very dependent on others, and often extremely clingy. Anxious attachment is usually formed from inconsistent caregiving, emotional distance, physical or psychological abuse, or early separation from the caregiver.
#4. Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment
A combination of anxious and avoidant attachment, this is the rarest attachment style. It develops when the child’s primary caregiver(s)—their only source of comfort and safety— become a source of fear. Someone with this attachment often suffered horrors as a child such as physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, frightening responses to their wants and needs, and hot and cold behavior. Adults with fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment are typically extremely inconsistent in their behavior, and have trouble trusting anyone. Much like those with avoidant attachment, these individuals fear intimacy; however, unlike those with avoidant attachment, they want to love and be loved, but are afraid to let anyone in because of what they went through. They are waiting around for rejection and disappointment, and ultimately believe it is inevitable.
What to do:
Childhood marks all of us in different ways, but our past doesn’t have to dictate our present, and it most definitely should not dictate our future. So, if you think you have an insecure attachment style and are wondering whether or not you’re doomed to be this way forever, the answer is: no; attachment styles can change and, with a little bit of work, you can develop secure attachment.
If you’re unhappy with where you are and how you handle relationships, take a step back and examine how your attachment style may be showing up in your life. Are there repeated behavioral patterns in your romantic relationships, in friendships, with family members? Do you act the same in all of your relationships? Are you more emotionally closed off with some people than others, or are you emotionally closed off with everyone? Do you fear that everyone is going to leave you and in turn become clingy because of it? Do you have trouble staying in relationships and showing up for others consistently?
It may be difficult to truly examine and sit with these thoughts and questions, but doing this will be extremely insightful into the way you interact with others. Once you’ve done that, you can start with some small steps: try opening up more, work on self-care and self-love, spend more time with people who lift you up, and try to become more self-aware of your behavioral patterns. You’re also going to need to analyze your childhood, and do a lot of self-reflection.
If you’ve tried to overcome insecure attachment and form secure attachment with little to no luck, it may be time to seek the help of a professional. Forming a healthy bond with a trusted therapist will also be beneficial in working towards developing a secure attachment style. Plus, with the help of a therapist, you’ll gain more insight into yourself and your behavior, and you’ll achieve happier, more fulfilling relationships sooner.
At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a lot of healing and growth in life starts with self-compassion, and committing to prioritizing yourself and your mental and emotional well-being. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you embark on a self-growth journey and path to healing, and take everything one day at a time. Remember: Rome wasn’t built in a day.
DISCLAIMER:
The information in this article is intended for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical or professional advice. Always consult a physician or any other professional health care provider regarding any health or wellness questions you may have, and before beginning or trying a new health, lifestyle, or wellness regimen.
