We’re officially one week into 2021, and so far, I have no complaints. I went into this year feeling very grateful, having taken the time to reflect on the lessons that 2020 taught me. There were a lot of dark moments last year, but for every dark moment, there was light. All of the pain and loss brought me more self-growth than ever before; it brought me to where I am today.
Though I don’t know what this year holds—particularly where COVID is concerned—and I’m not sure if we’ll be getting back to “normal” anytime soon, I’m still optimistic. The future, to me, still looks bright. Because I realized something recently: for the first time in probably over 3 years (since my car accident), I’m excited about the future. I’m excited about the unknown, and finally, finally, finally, I am ready to embrace it.
I went into this year having let go of so many things that were holding me back—things I wasn’t even aware of. For so long, I’d been looking at the injury with my neck as a “situation,” something to be dealt with. I was looking at everything I was doing as a time-filler, something temporary. When people would ask me when I planned on getting back in the ring, I’d always answer with something along the lines of: “I’m waiting until my neck’s fixed, but until then, I’m doing this blog.” I was looking at my behavior—the moving forward, going from doctor to doctor to doctor, writing and creating again in the aftermath of a very dark time—as me making the best out of a situation. And then it hit me: this isn’t a situation, this is my life.
I spent so long desperately searching for answers about my neck injury, seeking out the help of professionals, holding onto hope that this wouldn’t be permanent and I wouldn’t have to live like this for the rest of my life, instead of accepting and learning how to live with it, because no one wants to feel like they’re never going to get better; it’s devastating, and makes you feel both powerless and hopeless. But the way I was viewing my life—as something that needed to be dealt with and fixed, as me making the best out of a bad situation, looking at everything as temporary, still holding onto my dream of wrestling—was affecting absolutely everything. I was blocking new opportunities from coming in. I was holding myself back. And I was doing all of this subconsciously.
I don’t know exactly what made me realize all of this, I can’t put my finger on when it happened; I think it was a gradual realization, something that came out over time through learning more about myself and doing exercises such as deep-breathing, journaling, and meditating daily. Someone once told me that awarenesses come to you when you’re ready for them, and that’s what this felt like. Mindset is everything, and you have to let go and surrender in life in order for new things to come in.
I’ve taken all of my realizations from 2020 and brought them with me into the new year. I feel content, I feel excited, and I feel happy. I feel stronger than I ever have, allowing myself to feel things on a much deeper level and deal with them as they come. This newfound vulnerability has empowered me. For the first time in a very long time, I feel powerful. I feel like I am finally embarking on a new chapter in my life; the previous one has, at last, come to its long-overdue end.
I’m looking forward to quite a few things in 2021. One of the things I’m most looking forward to is continuing to surrender. I know that in surrendering, I’ll be opening up the door for new, creative energy to flow in. I’m happiest when I create. With surrendering also comes the unknown, and I am fully ready to embrace that, whatever it is. I don’t know what the future holds, and I honestly have no idea what I want out of it now that I’ve let my dream of wrestling go, but I trust that everything’s going to be OK. I truly believe that from the bottom of my heart. I know that things will fall into place the way they’re supposed to when the time is right. Until then, I’m going to continue channeling my creative energy into Flawless World—a platform that has given me free reign in my creativity in various aspects, and that’s brought me so much joy in both very high and very low moments. This blog truly brings me so much happiness, and I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through the past year and a half if I didn’t have this to wake up for and look forward to every morning. I’m obsessed with creating new content, learning, and evolving.
I’m also looking forward to growing more as a person. I’m excited to learn more about myself, who I am and what I want out of life, what makes me most happy, and what I need in order to stay sane and balanced.
In the past I’d always keep trudging forward, I’d cover my ears to outside noises and only focus on the things I could control; I wouldn’t waste time dwelling or getting upset about anything, and when things outside of my control did affect me, I’d ignore them. Like I said, if it was outside of my control, it didn’t matter. But over time those things kept building and building inside of me until they had no place else to go, and then they all came to a head. I’d never allowed myself to be upset over losing my dream and biggest passion, I never took the time to grieve over my loss of physicality and life as I knew it before, and more. When I got the news about my neck I’d felt like every ounce of breath had been sucked out of me; I had no idea what to do with my emotions. And then I lost my grandma, and though I did allow myself to grieve openly (which I was very proud of myself for), I had a few moments in the following months where I felt lost. I say all of this because I never knew what to do with my emotions, I didn’t understand how to deal with them. I didn’t know what I needed to do in order to deal with them properly so that I can truly move on. Now, thanks to implementing meditation and journaling into my everyday life, I know what to do with my emotions. I’m still learning, of course, but I’m excited to keep working at it this year. I know it’s only going to help me continue to grow.
Going into this year, I also realized that mindset is everything. I know, I know, we’ve all heard it before—but it’s true. Because of the events that had transpired in my life—like getting put on hormones and having to pull out of a bikini show I was dieting for, or getting rear-ended by a drunk driver just as things were beginning to happen for me in wrestling, or being told that I got dealt a bad, unlucky hand of cards and this injury is something I’ll have to learn to deal with and accept because there’s not much else to do—I was subconsciously always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the back of my mind, I was always waiting for things to go wrong. I wasn’t even aware that I was thinking like this, and that mentality held me back in so many different aspects. With that kind of mindset, I was putting myself at a disadvantage. How can you ever expect to succeed in life with that line of thinking? You can’t. So, I put a cease and desist on it. No more. I’m done putting myself at a disadvantage, I’m done waiting for bad things to happen and laughing it off when they go wrong (oh it’s fine, I’ll just stay positive and make the best out of the situation, really, my life is falling apart but I’m fine!). I’m ready to embrace whatever comes my way—good or bad—and I will acknowledge it and deal with it. I will not shove it down and try to make the best out of a situation. I’m not going to live my life with a negative mindset; I refuse to.
Overall, I feel very optimistic about the future, and I think that’s because my energy feels so genuine—to both myself and others around me. My boyfriend’s even pointed out how the vibe in our house has been amazing lately, and I think that’s due to the fact that we’ve both fallen in line with each other’s current line of thinking naturally; it just happened, it wasn’t something we discussed. My energy doesn’t feel forced because I’m no longer trying to look at the bright side, I’m simply just living. I feel true happiness, not forced positivity. The appreciation I have for everything is real and is the most amazing feeling in the world. I’m ready to move on to the next chapter of my life, I was stuck in one that was weighing me down and living rent-free in my head for way too long. I’m truly looking forward to what’s to come in 2021.
