People usually fall into two general, broad categories: those who cut others off at the first sight of any indiscretion, and those who continue moving forward as if nothing happened and everything’s just fine. I know, I know, those are two very broad categories, and everyone will fall into different areas of both of them, but hear me out. I was talking to my boyfriend the other day about this exact topic because he usually gravitates toward the former, while I typically gravitate toward the latter. Now, my boyfriend’s not unstable to the point where he readily cuts someone off over every little thing, nor am I the type of person who will be shoved around and allow someone else to walk all over me—but while we were talking the other day, we started debating about what warranted someone being cut out of your life, and when it’s appropriate to simply accept them as they are and move on. In the end, we were in agreement, and came to the same conclusion.
Every relationship is different, and everyone’s viewpoints on this particular subject will not be the same because our core values, morals, and what we stand for are going to differ. This is why it’s important that, as individuals, we’re aware of the classic, telltale signs of when it’s the right time to let someone loose from your life. On the flip side, it’s equally important that we’re aware of when we should be accepting of the people in our lives.
No two relationships are the same, and everyone is different, which is why below I’ve broken down the signs, and how to tell when it’s truly time to cut someone off, and also how to accept them as they are. Disclaimer: this goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones.
How to tell when it’s time to cut someone off:
- They’re detrimental to your life. This is, perhaps, the biggest sign of all that it’s time to cut someone off. This usually happens when someone is constantly leaving you feeling hurt, upset, and/or angry; or even has habits that are hindering your life for worse—i.e. they’re always in some sort of trouble, are always asking to borrow money, etc. If someone is negatively impeding on your life, disrupting the mundane, day-to-day activities, it might be time to cut them loose.
- They aren’t there for you when you need them most. Life happens, and though someone may not always be able to be at your every beck and call, making the effort to reach out to you over text, the phone, or FaceTime when you’re going through something says a lot about someone’s character and how much they value you in their life. If someone doesn’t make the effort to at least check in on you when you need it most, it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship.
- They don’t put aside their own feelings for you. There isn’t a single person in the world that is going to agree with every single thing another person does. Quite frankly, that’s impossible. But when someone is incapable of putting aside their own feelings and reserving their own judgment of your life choices, they’re not being the kind of person you can count on. For example, say you go through a bad breakup and during that time your BFF is the one who’s there for and consoles you, but one day you end up getting back together with your ex. Your BFF may not approve of your choices, and they may even voice their concerns to you, but as your friend, they should be able to put aside their own feelings about the subject and still be there for you. If they start talking to/seeing you less because they don’t agree with your choices, they might not have a spot in your life anymore. When someone really cares about, they’ll be able to put aside their own feelings for you–so long as you’re not doing anything that’s directly hurting them–and be there for you, no matter what.
- They don’t support you. The people in your life should support you. If you find that someone is consistently bringing you down time and time again, or making you feel less than with their judgments, they don’t deserve a place in your life anymore.
What to do:
If the signs listed above resonate and remind you of someone in your life, there’s a good chance it might be time to cut them off. You don’t need toxicity in your life from anyone. Now, once you’ve made the decision to let someone go, you may be struggling with how to do it. The truth is, there really is no easy way to cut someone off, but if someone fits all the signs listed above, it may be best for you to do it cold, and without explanation. A toxic person will only try to pull you back in, and you’ll wind up more hurt in the end. Sometimes there are things better left unsaid. If you absolutely want to to give someone an explanation for your imminent disappearance from their life, simply tell them something like: “I’m going to be taking time for me now. I need to work on this next chapter and grow by myself.” Don’t be afraid to let them know you’re putting yourself first; putting yourself first is your right.
It’s also good to remember that cutting someone out of your life doesn’t have to be permanent. You may need time to yourself to grow or create and set boundaries, and someday in the future, find that you’re willing and ready to accept someone into your life as they are, and are aware of how to let them in again in a way that won’t hurt you.
All of this brings me to my next point: how to accept someone as they are.
How to accept someone as they are:
You may not agree with someone’s life choices, or all of their morals, values, and beliefs, but that doesn’t mean you have to cut them off. Basically, if someone isn’t directly affecting, negatively impeding, or hindering your life in any way, they can still be a part of it. This outlook can sometimes be difficult to understand, as it can be hard for us to put aside our own personal viewpoints and opinions.
It’s important to remember that we all see the world through our own lens, our own perspective. Just because we think something is either right or wrong doesn’t mean that it necessarily is, and it doesn’t mean that someone else is right or wrong either—at the end of the day, it’s all subjective. Additionally, it’s important to remember that it’s not your place to dictate what’s right and wrong in life; again, because it’s all subjective. Don’t be delusional about yourself, no one really knows anything.
Speaking for myself, whenever someone irritates me, or does something that either surprises me or that I don’t approve of, I take a step back and try to look at the bigger picture. I always ask myself: does this directly affect me at all, does this do anything to me and my life? If the answer is no, I move on. It’s up to me to not get irritated with someone because that’s how they are, and I’m not going to change them. I also can’t compare them to anyone else in my life, either, because no two people are the same—just like no two relationships are the same. The ties that bind myself and someone else together in a specific relationship will differ from one to the next. In a friendship, I may not get as riled up about something, and yet I would get riled up about that same thing if was in it came to my relationship. This is because every relationship, bond, and person is different.
Accepting people as they are doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to keep everything to yourself, either. If someone does something that bothers you, and you feel as though it has, in some way, directly affected you, don’t be afraid to communicate that. In any healthy relationship, talking it out is best.
Additionally, if you’ve cut someone off and bring them back into your life, being aware of who they are will help you better protect yourself. Say, for instance, you know this person is terrible with money and will never pay you back if you lend them some, and one day they ask you to lend them some money, you have one of two choices; you either: 1) don’t give it to them because you know you won’t get it back, or 2) give it to them knowing that it’s very likely (almost certain) you will never see that money again. Don’t lend them money and act surprised when they don’t pay you back. This doesn’t mean that you have to cut them out of your life again because they haven’t changed—all it means is that you know who they are, and you’re willing to accept them in your life anyway. This isn’t meant to be cynical, either; people can change, it all just depends on the person. Typically, the older someone is, the more set in their ways they are. People will disappoint you, but it’s up to you to decide how to handle it.
Being self-aware will help you better understand and accept people for who they are. Once you become conscious of your own thoughts and reactions, you can try to be more objective and understanding of others. Life is so much easier once you let go of delusions about yourself, step down from your high horse, and accept those who aren’t toxic in your life as they are. We all have flaws, and that’s okay. They’re what make us human.
