Breakups. We’ve all been there, and while somewhere in the future the question of whether or not you were ever really in love to begin with may be up for debate, there’s no denying that every moment in our lives impact us in some way shape or form; whether it be big or small, it does affect us. So it’s safe to say that relationships are one of the many things that make us who we are.
If you want to be in a healthy, strong relationship down the line, it’s important that you take the right steps and deal with your grief properly. Healing is subjective to each individual, but there are cardinal rules that everyone should still follow if they really want to be the best versions of themselves in future relationships. This is how to heal after a breakup.
Take time for yourself
One of the best things you can do for yourself after a breakup is take time for yourself. Embracing time alone and getting reacquantied with yourself again will bring you major growth. The relationship you have with yourself is the foundation for all of your other relationships. If you’re unable to spend time alone, then you’ll have difficulty sharing your time with someone else. Try to work on yourself a little more every day, eventually you’ll be able to see why you’re deserving of real love.
Don’t move on to someone else right away
How often do you see people jump from relationship to relationship to relationship? Too many times to count. Diving head first into a new relationship immediately after a breakup only masks the pain of your heartbreak. You may think you’re fine and moved on, but you’re really not. If you’re constantly with someone else, you’ll never have time to grow as an individual. Moving on to someone else before dealing with your grief is only going to lead to more relationship issues down the road. You can keep shoving things down, but eventually those things are going to bubble up and burst. Sure, it’s nice to have someone to talk to when you’re at your loneliest or feeling your most down, or to feel wanted by someone else, but a rebound will only bring you temporary relief—not the long term relief you really need.
Process your feelings
You’re going to feel an array of emotions, some jumbled and others not, so it’s imperative that you allow yourself to properly process your feelings and channel them correctly. When I’ve dealt with heartbreak in the past, I’ve turned to journaling for this very reason. I found that simply writing out my day and current state of emotions helped me see things more clearly; even when I didn’t have a full grasp on my emotions and what I was feeling, I’d write something like: “idk, this is all so confusing.” Writing that out allowed me to pause before taking a stance on my belief or how I felt. It’s perfectly fine to throw your hands up from time-to-time and relinquish all control, admit you really don’t know anything; no one has all of the answers in life, and exercises like this serve as a good reminder, and are also very freeing.
If you’re not into journaling but ever get a sudden rush of emotions, write them down in your phone using an app like notes. It’s good to not let feelings and thoughts slip by, so you can get them out into the universe and let it all go, rather than allow it to stay bottled up inside.
Forgive them
Years ago I saw a quote that said: “Forgive them. Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.” Seven years later, that quote’s still stuck with me to this day.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
– Buddha
Holding onto anything like anger or hatred in your heart is useless and incredibly unproductive. You won’t be able to truly heal yourself and move forward if you’re holding onto those kinds of emotions. In the past, at a time I needed to heal myself and move on, I’ve reminded myself that I deserve to live a life full of happiness and filled with love, and I wasn’t going to let anger caused by my ex affect that. So, I forgave him—he most certainly didn’t deserve my forgiveness, but I didn’t deserve to feel any negative emotion inside myself either.
Forgive them so you can find peace and heal yourself. Forgive them, but never forget what they did. Doing this will remove the anger from your heart, but also keep you from going back to them again in the future. Don’t give your ex the power to change you or your future. You’re bigger than them, and remind yourself of that always.
Find an activity to focus on
Activities are helpful when healing after a breakup because it takes your mind off of your heartbreak for a short amount of time. Although it’s important to deal with your emotions, you also need to give yourself time to see the light again, see that things are going to be OK and that you can be happy.
I’d always had wrestling to fall back on—a passion that sucked me in, where the outside world and all its’ problems and drama couldn’t enter—but after my car accident I lost that outlet, so I decided to turn to books. Reading and laying outside in the August sun made me momentarily forget that my world and everything in it had been destroyed. In those moments, nothing else mattered, I was outside and swept away in a good book, lost in a world of fictional characters and all of their relatable-but-fictional problems.
Activities don’t have to be physical, just find something that will allow you even the tiniest respite from your grief. This little break will also give you a clear head space to deal with the breakup better when you go back to it later on. Activities will also prevent the breakup from consuming you and bringing you down.
Give yourself time
Time is the universal healer. There is no set rulebook on how long it should take you to get over a breakup. Don’t be afraid to take a long time, you’re better off waiting and giving yourself extra time rather than jumping into a new relationship too soon. If you don’t give yourself enough time to heal, you’re only going to get into a new relationship and ruin it with unresolved issues from your past.
Be patient and gentle with yourself. It may seem like the end of the world now, but each day will get a little bit easier. You’ll find you’re still able to wake up every morning, get out of bed, and get dressed; you’re still able to breathe and eat. You’ll realize that the world is not going to fall apart without your ex in it. One day you’ll wake up and your ex won’t be on your mind first thing in the morning, and eventually you’ll find yourself thinking about them less and less. Take it moment by moment, and one day, you won’t even think about them at all. When that time comes, you will know that you’re ready to give yourself to someone else and put your all into a new relationship. But until that time comes, don’t rush it. Enjoy your time alone, and fall in love with yourself and all of your flawless-ness again.
