If you bring up infidelity around a random group of people, chances are you’ll get mixed reactions. While some may meet the topic of unfaithfulness with outrage, others may be more sympathetic to the plight. After all, things in life are rarely black and white, and infidelity doesn’t always bring the relationship to an end. Which begs the question: Is overcoming cheating in a relationship actually possible?
Make no mistake: Cheating is a big deal; it’s a massive betrayal you can’t heal from overnight. But every situation is unique, and walking away is often easier said than done. So I did some digging on whether overcoming cheating is possible or nothing more than a pipe dream.
Is Overcoming Cheating Possible?
In short: yes. The healing process can be a long one, but overcoming cheating is possible if both parties are willing to put in the effort. Coming together to work and heal through the pain is key to making the relationship work.
Plus, relationship specialist Jen Elmquist tells NBC News, “If you and your partner are coming together after the fact and you do want to work this out and stay together, it can be one of the more important catalysts for growth in a couple relationship that’s out there.”
And while working together may sound like a way to excuse the guilty party for their actions, it’s anything but. Rather, it’s a way to work through things individually and as a couple, which is what it’ll take to heal. Although every relationship is different, overcoming cheating is something that can be done with the right guidance. Here’s how:
How To Overcome Cheating in a Relationship:
1. Make a decision and stick to it
It’s natural to wrestle with the idea of how to handle cheating and question whether you should stay or walk away. While you likely won’t come to that decision overnight, it’s important to stick to that decision once you’ve made it. Living in limbo is only going to hurt both of you in the end, and going back and forth on where you stand will only do more harm than good. So, if you choose to work things out, it’s important to hold yourself to it. Once you do that, you can begin moving forward.
2. Communicate with total honesty
Regardless of whether you’re the cheater or the one who’s been cheated on, you need to talk about what happened. The betrayed party deserves to have their questions answered with complete and total honesty. This is so important in the initial aftermath, and meeting these conversations with honesty, compassion and grace is key.
Additionally, the unfaithful party also needs to take accountability for their actions; they shouldn’t brush their partner off or make excuses and point blame elsewhere. Not only does this show remorse and maturity—which is a good thing—but will also help repair what’s been broken in the long run.
3. Admit what happened
Both partners also need to admit what happened and discuss the circumstances prior to the transgression. Was there a chasm in your relationship? Were you dealing with financial issues? The cheater still needs to take full responsibility for what happened, and this doesn’t excuse their betrayal. However, gaining clarity on the circumstances prior to the situation will be helpful for moving forward.
“A troubled relationship is not an excuse for cheating, but if improvements can be made in broader areas—communication, time together, sex, etc.—it can be reassuring to both that cheating is less likely to occur,” psychologist Paul Coleman tells SELF.
4. Forgive
We’ve all heard the saying “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”, and that sentiment applies here. While the wronged partner absolutely has the right to be angry, they need to decide to forgive their partner if they’re serious about making things work.
That’s not to say anger won’t come up from time to time—because it most certainly will—but consciously forgiving them is the only way to move forward. There will be no healing if there’s no forgiveness—regardless of whether you stay together.
5. Isolate times you talk about the infidelity
It’s natural to ruminate on the situation and your feelings about it, especially when you’re hurt. But doing so will only work against you and stop you from moving on. Once the smoke has cleared and you’ve decided to make things work, isolate the times you talk about the infidelity. This will prevent you from reliving it 24/7 and intensifying the hurt and anger that’s already there.
Instead, set aside time to talk about the cheating; this can be a set time during the day, meeting with a therapist, etc. Then once that time is up, set it aside and let it go. Doing this will allow you to work through your feelings in a productive and healthy way without letting them consume you. Likewise, it’ll also give you and your partner a real shot at healing.
6. Actually make the effort to change and rebuild trust
If you’re both serious about making things work, you can’t just walk the walk—you have to talk the talk, too. Take the time to discuss what you both need from the other one and how you can make things work. This may mean spending more one-on-one time together, scheduling time to be intimate, and so on. For some, this may also mean giving each other unfettered access to their phone, email and social media.
Whatever the case may be, it’s important to actively make an effort in repairing the relationship and broken trust. This will show each other you’re committed to making this work.
7. Be patient
As nice as it would be, overcoming cheating takes time. This is why it’s so important to be patient. Healing from a betrayal of this magnitude is not something you can get over quickly. Give yourselves grace, meet the hard moments with compassion, and trust that things will improve. It won’t be easy, but if your relationship’s worth fighting for, it will be worth it.
8. Seek professional help
At the end of the day, seeking help from a professional is always a good idea. This can be through couples counseling, individual therapy, both, and so on. Not only will they provide you with the necessary tools to overcome the infidelity, but you might heal quicker. Plus, they’ll be able to help you work through what you’re feeling, communicate better, and more. It’ll also give you great insight into who you really are and what you need and want out of a relationship, partner, and life.
