Dating in the 21st century is weird. Matching with people on dating apps, meeting up in person only to find out they want one thing, dodging the 3:00 a.m “u up?” texts, and weeding out the people who are either suffering from Peter Pan syndrome or their own issues they cover up with sex can be exhausting. To put it more simply: how many damn frogs does someone have to kiss before they find their prince? (Although I just used a male pronoun, that same statement still applies to all genders and sexual orientations.) It’s because of this that we likely become either terrified of being too picky and end up settling for less than we deserve, or terrified of settling so much so that we inadvertently become too picky.
No one should ever settle for less than they deserve–but how do you know if you’re truly settling, or just being too picky?
Below I’ve broken down the signs of when you’re being too picky, when you’re settling, and what to do to navigate both.
Signs you’re being too picky:
- You need every box checked or none at all. You know those lists we sometimes make about our dream partner, the ones that state they need to be a certain height, have a certain hair color, dress a certain way, etc.? If you find that someone needs to match all of criteria you’ve laid out or they’re not good enough, you’re being too picky and unrealistic. Emphasizing all of this is only going to put pressure on yourself, potential partners, and your dating life in general.
- You look for things to be wrong. Things like: “I know they could be a good partner, but I just don’t think they’re tall enough for me,” or, “Yeah they’re great and all, but I can’t stand the way they eat,” is another sign you’re being too picky. When you look for every single thing about someone else to be wrong, no one is ever going to live up to your standards. People who do this will also usually harp on the smaller, insignificant things, rather than the bigger picture of the person as a whole. This oftentimes stems from underlying issues within yourself.
- You haven’t had a long-term relationship in a while or ever. This is another sign that you’re being too picky because it shows a pattern of people never living up to your expectations.
- You believe there’s someone out there who’ll fit all of your criteria. If you’re holding out for your perfect person, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’re going to be waiting a very long time. No one in the world is going to be exactly how you want them to be because the world just doesn’t work like that. Holding out for what you think is your perfect person is only going to make you miss out on what’s in front of you. People aren’t perfect, all humans are flawed–but relationships and love can be perfectly imperfect.
What to do:
As I said in the beginning, being too picky can sometimes stem from a fear of settling for less than you deserve, but it can also stem from a lot of other things as well. The good news is that if the signs above resonated with you, you can work at becoming less picky and opening yourself up to find love. Like everything in life, it will take work, but it will be worth it in the end.
This behavior can sometimes stem from insecurity, and/or deeper issues that you haven’t worked out yet. You may be scarred from previous relationships or past trauma and be completely unaware of it. Maybe you don’t feel good about yourself or believe you deserve your happy ending, so you make sure that no one can fit the bill because you believe that’s what you deserve. This sort of behavior is usually done unknowingly.
Additionally, your brain may know that subconsciously, you’re not ready for a relationship, and in turn you create this illusion of your ideal partner with expectations no one will ever be able to live up to, unknowingly, because you’re protecting yourself. The mind is capable of so many things that go beyond our comprehension. We’re constantly learning new things about the human mind. The mind, heart, and body will protect themselves in ways that you may not be aware of or have any control over. This is why it’s important to work on identifying behavioral responses and untangling the mystery behind them.
It’s important that you work on your issues within yourself first before trying to find a partner. This can come from being alone and working on your self-awareness, journaling daily, doing deep breathing exercises, and even talking with a therapist. Ask yourself this: why do you think you feel this way? Where does this behavior come from? It’s going to be difficult and won’t happen overnight, but in time, you’ll be able to uncover the answers.
You’re also going to want to let go of that checklist for potential partners. This will come from uncovering those answers mentioned above, and learning more about yourself and what’s important to you. Figure out what key qualities are important to you in a partner–e.g., strong work ethic and drive, religious beliefs, how they see their life unfolding, kindness, a sense of humor, etc.–and discard the rest.
Signs you’re settling:
- You’re constantly making rationalizations about someone and the relationship. Saying or thinking things like, “I’m not really attracted to them, but they work hard and have their life figured out,” or, “I don’t love everything about them yet, but maybe I could learn to love them,” are some examples of settling. When you’re rationalizing the reasons why you should stay with someone, that’s a pretty good sign you’re lowering your self-worth and settling for a situation that makes you less than happy.
- You’re scared of being alone. A fear of being alone is going to cause a lot of turmoil in your life–emotionally, spiritually, and in dating. If you meet someone and know they aren’t the ideal person for you but think they’re good enough for right now, you’re settling. You’re basically saying to yourself, “this is fine for now. I’ll lower my self-worth and stick it out with this person so I don’t have to go through this time on my own.” Why would you want to live your life like that? It’s only going to be detrimental to you in the long run.
- The key qualities you look for in a partner aren’t checked. Making sure the key qualities you look for in a S.O is extremely important in making sure you don’t settle. If you value hard work, drive, and ambition but find you’ve landed with someone who can’t bother to do more than the bare minimum in life, you’re going to have a difficult time getting along. Making excuses such as, “oh, you know, they’re fine for right now. I hope they can become more motivated about themselves and their life eventually,” is another sign you’re settling. Of course no one should be exactly like you, but those key qualities you look for in a partner are going to be important long-term.
- You feel like you lose yourself with them. Anyone who feels pressured to change who they are by their S.O is with the wrong one. Why can’t they love you the way you are? Why would they want you to change? If you feel like this and also find you have nothing in common with them, it may be time to start questioning your own motives in the relationship, and why you’re settling.
- You feel like you’re running out of time. It’s no secret that with each passing year and age, time goes by faster and faster, which makes it easy to feel like time is running out. Biological clocks, especially for women, don’t make it any easier–but that’s why having the option to freeze eggs is amazing, so you don’t have to be worried about running out of time! Some people also strongly believe that by a certain age they need to have certain goals met, which is why they end up settling for less than they deserve.
What to do:
Much like being too picky, settling in relationships can stem from a multitude of things. Maybe you’re scared of being too picky and are so open to compromising that you throw away who you are and what’s important to you; perhaps it goes much deeper than that. Either way, ask yourself this: why do you think you’re settling?
Similar to being too picky, you may be settling because of insecurities or old wounds that haven’t healed properly yet. Maybe there’s a hidden part of you that feels as though this is what you deserve. You may feel as though you’ve healed from past events, but deep down, you really haven’t. You may not know this about yourself, and that’s OK; that’s why professionals can be extremely helpful in untangling everything. Also, doing things such as therapy, journaling daily, deep breathing exercises, and meditation will help increase your self-awareness, which in turn, will help you better know your worth. You’re also going to want to get comfortable with spending time alone and getting reacquainted with yourself. You can’t know your self-worth if you don’t know yourself.
Additionally, it’s time to stop rationalizing. It’s easy to get caught up in weighing out the pros and cons because we may not want to admit to ourselves that, despite someone being a great person and overall great partner, they just aren’t for us. They may be great for someone else, just not for you. Don’t throw away the key qualities that matter to you, either. Knowing how to stop rationalizing and being aware of the key qualities that matter to you will also come from increasing your self-awareness and knowing your worth.
Settling may seem fine in the moment, and you may even be able to find some joy in the present and immediate future, but it’s only going to bring you unhappiness in the long run. Don’t settle because you’re scared to be alone. You have all the strength within yourself to get through anything. Don’t wait to wake up one day and wonder what in the world you’re doing with your life. Know your worth, and then add tax.
