Tough love. We all need it sometimes, while other times we need to give it. However, like everything in life, there are certain situations where the tough love route is the best option, and others where “coddling” works better.
I was never coddled as a child or anytime growing up. My brothers and I were taught never to cry over anything, that things could always be worse, and that life isn’t fair but you deal with it and move on. Basically: it is what it is, don’t ever play the victim, and don’t ever cry about it; keep moving forward. While I am grateful because I’ve taken that mentality with me into my adult years and it’s served me well—especially understanding that life isn’t fair and it never will be—there are times I’ve wished that someone would acknowledge that a situation just sucks.
It’s safe to say that when my boyfriend and I began dating he was a little surprised at my attitude. He was more or less coddled as a child, so he wasn’t used to someone basically walking through fire and never acknowledging that they got burned. Between the two of us, we quickly learned that a decent balance of both–but leaning more towards the tough love attitude–is the most beneficial.
There is a way to acknowledge a situation is sh*tty without throwing a pity party for yourself. Tough love vs coddling—here’s when it’s needed, and how to do it.
Tough love vs coddling: how to do it + when they need it:
Signs they need tough love:
When someone finds themselves in a situation that’s out of their control, they have two choices: 1) they can acknowledge that it sucks and move on; or, 2) they can sit there and whine about how unfair life is and be a victim of circumstance. In life we can only control what we can control, so when an outside factor swoops in and veers our lives off course, it’s important that we do what we can to pick up the pieces as best we can and move on. I know after I lost everything from my car accident I had two choices: 1) I could sit there and whine about how unfair life is and how I did absolutely nothing to deserve what happened to me; or, 2) I could find another outlet, go to physical therapy, all of my doctor’s appointments, have my shoulder surgery, and work on my recovery. Had I been a victim of circumstance, you would not be reading this blog right now. Anyone who becomes a victim of circumstance is someone who’s in dire need of a heavy dose of tough love.
Another sign someone’s overdue for some tough love is when they complain day after day and don’t do anything about it. For example, if someone’s in debt and they walk around constantly whining about the fact that they have no money yet blow their every last dollar on things other than paying off their debt; they’re in desperate need of a reality check. Don’t complain and do nothing about it.
To quote Tony Soprano: “You know what your problem is? You go around in pity for yourself.” (Anyone else think The Sopranos is the greatest show of all time?) People who throw pity parties for themselves are, to be blunt, not a good time. Think about it—who really wants to spend time with someone who walks around feeling sorry for themselves? No one!
How to give tough love:
First and foremost, before you go and yell at someone and criticize them from head to toe, the best way you can approach the situation is by trying to help them. Last week my boyfriend was having a really tough week mentally and in business. At first I was sympathetic, but finally after days of him walking around complaining and being sad, the day he started throwing a pity party for himself was when I knew I had to intervene with some tough love. (Pity parties really set me over the edge LOL.) But I didn’t come right out of the gate with brutal honesty—instead, I approached the situation calmly and tried to help him. I got out my notebook and began writing out ideas and ways for him to remedy the situation. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t want to hear it. He shut down every idea I had.
There’s a good chance someone who’s in the frame of mind where tough love is needed is someone who’s not going to want to hear what you have to say. They’re probably going to want to go on feeling bad for themselves. If they refuse the help you offer, then you can begin digging your claws in.
Don’t raise your voice, but tell them what they need to hear. If they’re being a crybaby, tell them! They can take it. After my boyfriend refused my ideas last week I simply said: “What do you want? I just laid out multiple things for you to do and you don’t want to hear any of them because you’re feeling sorry for yourself. What do you think is going to happen if you never do anything to try to fix the situation?!”
Laying out someone’s actions and behavior is a great way to give them tough love because it doesn’t make them feel attacked. Doing this also holds them accountable, which will benefit them in the long run. You don’t have to give out tough love harshly, you can be blunt nicely. Don’t be afraid to tell them what they need to hear. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. I know when I give out tough love I usually end it with what I grew up hearing my whole life: “You know, it could be worse.”
Signs they need some coddling:
- If someone’s having a legitimate bad day, there’s nothing wrong with giving them a hug or a little consoling. Maybe they got passed for a promotion they were sure they were going to get, or maybe their job interview didn’t go the way they’d planned. Whatever the case may be, when someone finds themselves in an unfortunate circumstance, it’s OK for you to reach out to them. We all need to be reminded that someone cares every once in awhile.
- When something major happens in a person’s life, they’re allowed to be a bit shaken up by it. When I found out I needed shoulder surgery I felt a mix of emotions. After my little brother found out, he ran to me and gave me a big hug and said: “I’m sorry sissy.” That hug made me feel a million times better. When something big happens to someone, you could hit them with the “it could always be worse” line, or you could coddle them a bit. In a life altering situation, I’d say the latter is more beneficial.
- A smaller example of when someone needs just the tiniest bit of coddling is if it seems like everything in their life keeps going wrong. We all have weeks where it seems like absolutely nothing can go right and we eventually hit our breaking point. If you see this happen to someone and they don’t complain about it or dwell on the little annoyances until they finally explode, then you can coddle them a little. Doing this will help remind them that things go wrong all the time, but it’s important to not let the little things get to you.
How to coddle + not overdo it:
The biggest problem that can arise from too much coddling is that it can make someone feel they deserve to be coddled over every little thing. But if the signs listed above resonate with you or remind you of someone you know, take that as a sign you or someone else needs a little bit of consoling—and that’s just fine!
I’ve found the most helpful consolation is simply letting someone vent without any interruption. This not only shows them that you’re hearing them out, but gives their feelings validation, as well as validation that the situation they’re in simply just sucks. About a month ago I found out that my neck is most likely going to be permanently impaired for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wrestle again. After I found that out, my boyfriend hugged me long and hard and told me how sorry he was for everything I’ve had to deal with and still continue dealing with all because a drunk driver rear ended me. He also told me that things will get better and that no one ever knows what the future holds. Those words and that simple hug were enough to not only make me feel better, but also remind me that I’m not alone, that I have still have an amazing life with even more amazing people in it. Rather than moving forward, never acknowledging the unfortunate predicament I’ve found myself in, and bottling up all my emotions, I was able to identify the unfortunate circumstance without feeling bad for myself before moving on.
It’s important to communicate your sympathy for someone who’s having a tough time. Tell them how sorry you are for what they’re going through. When people are truly distressed, it’s usually visible. If you see someone like this who isn’t throwing themselves a pity party, it’s OK to coddle them a little. And if they jump on the pity party train, well, it’s always just fine to give them some tough love. 😉
