I’m sure it’s safe to say that growing up we all did something at one point or another that we were scared to admit to our parents, caregivers, or any adults. We were scared to tell anyone because we didn’t want to get yelled at and face the consequences. Though that fear isn’t abnormal in young children until (sometimes) early adulthood, taking that fear of getting yelled at and facing the consequences or hearing what someone else has to say into a relationship isn’t very productive; because if you don’t have communication, what do you have?
Lack of communication is detrimental to all relationships. Communication is what holds the relationship together, what keeps two people on the same page. When you leave everything out in the open, there’s no room for confusion. It can be scary to open up to someone else, make yourself vulnerable, but it’s necessary in order for a relationship to succeed.
Below I’m going to break down what lack of communication does to your relationship, and what you can do to overcome it and open up that line of communication in your relationship again.
What lack of communication does:
- It brings you farther apart from each other. When you and your S.O aren’t communicating, it’s easy to feel as though you’re both not on the same page, or that the distance between you two is increasing rapidly. When this happens, it’s easy to give in to doubts and second-guesses about the relationship, along with a whole other slew of things which are listed below.
- Can cause feelings of resentment. If something is bothering you and you keep it to yourself instead of telling your partner, that emotion is going to stay bottled up and eventually turn into resentment for both your S.O and the relationship. You’re going to feel upset because your S.O won’t be trying to help you, to make it all better, they’ll just keep moving on, “oblivious” to you and your feelings. But that’s just the thing—your S.O isn’t a mind reader, they can’t know what’s going on in your head, so it’s up to you to tell them how you feel and where you stand.
- Misunderstandings are more liable to happen. When you’re unsure of where someone stands, it’s easy to misinterpret everything they do/say. You’re going to wonder where their actions are coming from, why they feel a certain way. Again, your S.O can’t read your mind and you can’t read theirs, and not knowing where someone stands is going to be a major blow to your relationship. You’ll be more likely to get into fights, big and small.
- Makes it harder to have conversations in the future. The longer you go without something, the easier it becomes to live without it. If lack of communication continues, you and your partner are going to reach the point where you’ll never be able to talk to each other. Those feelings of resentment are going to keep building, misunderstandings will keep happening more and more, and your relationship is going to explode.
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What to do:
Needless to say, a relationship can’t survive without communication, but it’s good to remember that when you’re talking to your S.O or hearing them out, it should always be about coming to a mutual understanding and being on the same page. Communication isn’t a one-way street, it has to come from both parties or else it’s useless. You should be able to talk to your partner about anything. If you’re unsure about how to get a conversation started or open up that line of communication with your S.O, here’s what to do:
- Get comfortable with opening up. I get it, vulnerability can be a terrifying thing; it’s something I struggled with myself for years, but allowing yourself to truly open up to your partner is what will make your relationship succeed. In order to do that, though, you need to familiarize yourself and get comfortable with opening up. This will come from a lot of self-awareness exercises, such as journaling daily or therapy. Once you’re able to open up and be honest with yourself, you’ll be able to open up to your partner.
- Be willing to listen and hear each other out. Since relationships are a two-way street, it’s equally important that both of you are willing to listen and really hear each other out. Expecting your partner to listen and understand you without you doing the same for them is unfair, and vice versa. Listening and hearing each other out will allow you two to finally get on the same page, ultimately making resolution and understanding that much closer and easier.
- Don’t attack your partner. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Telling someone how wrong they are and pointing out all their flaws isn’t the way to talk to anyone, never mind your S.O, the person you’re supposed to be sharing your life with. Most people probably don’t want to listen to someone who just rattles off a list of what’s wrong with them, they’d end up disregarding them or getting even more frustrated and upset in the end anyway. Instead, try saying to your partner something along the lines of: “When you did this, this is how I felt and why I believe I acted a certain way.” Don’t lay out what they did wrong, lay out how their actions made you feel and why you acted out a certain way. This allows you both to acknowledge the emotion(s) and/or event(s), and also forces you to hold yourself accountable and acknowledge your actions.
- Don’t get defensive. If your partner is trying to tell you how they feel without attacking you, you need to be willing to hear them out without getting defensive. Getting defensive while someone is opening up to you and laying out how they feel is going to make it seem like you’re discrediting their emotions and disregarding how you made them feel. This is going to make your partner afraid to open up to you again in the future over anything—something insignificant or something big. No one wants to feel belittled. Instead of interrupting them or getting defensive, wait until they’ve finished talking and explain how you’re feeling, why you’re feeling that way, and why you did the things you did. Let your partner know you understand the way they feel or why they acted out a certain way, take ownership of how you made them feel and your actions, and then work on moving forward.
- Honest, not mean. Tying into everything mentioned above, communication with your partner should be honest, transparent, but not downright mean. This comes from not attacking your S.O, not getting defensive and belittling them, and willingness to hear them out until the end. I always say there’s a difference between being blunt and being rude. If someone’s blunt, they will say what’s on their mind typically when asked, whereas someone who’s rude will blurt it out out of nowhere without any context. For example, if I get a haircut that my boyfriend doesn’t like and I ask him what he thinks of it, he’d probably say something along the lines of: “It’s not my favorite haircut on you, for a, b, c, and d; I liked your old hairstyle better, but you still look good, you’ll always look good.” He’s still being honest and saying what’s on his mind, whereas him coming out of nowhere and stating: “That haircut doesn’t look good on you. Your hairdresser did a bad job, it makes your face look bad,” is just plain rude and uncalled for. That’s not being blunt or being honest, that’s called being an as*hole. When you’re talking to your S.O, you can’t and shouldn’t be afraid to be honest, as long as you’re doing it in a way that isn’t hurtful or uncalled for. This delivery is what sets the tone for everything, and will ultimately decide how you and your S.O respond to the conversation and go from there.
