Solo Is the New Partnered: Why Self-Pleasure Is Self-Care

I don’t know about you, but I rarely think of self-pleasure as an act of self-care. In my mind, taking time for yourself involves doing things like taking a bubble bath, lighting some candles and reading a good book. But after watching season 5, episode 7 of Emily in Paris, I realized it’s time to change my thinking.

During the episode, leading sexual wellness brand LELO and its top-selling sex toys, the SONA 2 Cruise and SORAYA Wave, make a surprise cameo at a PRIDE celebration in Paris. “The appearance marks a fun, organic moment for the brand within the show’s bold and empowering world,” says LELO, “reinforcing the brand’s mission to make people more comfortable and confident in their sexuality.”

Watching the integration of a sexual wellness brand into a pop culture phenomenon like Emily in Paris was a light-bulb moment for me. It dawned on me that pleasure is a normal part of everyday life, and it’s time that we treat it as a vital component of self-care. To uncover the intersection of self-pleasure and self-care, I tapped LELO sexpert, certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist, Dr. Laurie Mintz, Ph.D, for her insight. Keep scrolling to learn more.

Why self-pleasure is self-care

It doesn’t matter if you’re single or in a relationship, “self-pleasure enhances sex and life,” according to Dr. Mintz. She explained that taking the time to pleasure yourself allows you to learn and stay attuned to your body, including what you need to experience pleasure and have an orgasm—both of which can fluctuate and change over time. Plus, learning what you like makes it easier to speak up during partnered sex and have a more satisfying sexual experience.

Additionally, masturbation has some serious health benefits. Dr. Mintz says self-pleasure—especially self-pleasure that leads to an orgasm—releases “feel-good hormones that decrease stress and help you sleep.” Likewise, pleasuring yourself can also decrease pain and tension in your body. Plus, giving yourself an orgasm or simply taking the time to indulge and touch your body can feel empowering AF. Unsurprisingly, all of these things, together, can not only help improve your mental and physical health but also boost your confidence.

Lastly—and perhaps most importantly—taking the time to indulge in solo play emphasizes that your needs matter. ” Psychologically, self-pleasure is a way to say to yourself that your needs and pleasure are important and that you are taking time to care for and love yourself,” Dr. Mintz said.

How to get more comfortable engaging in solo play

If you have a hard time pleasuring yourself or feel guilty masturbating, you’re not alone. Self-pleasure is, sadly, still a taboo topic, and we’re taught to shy away from it as a result. But the good news is that this can be dealt with and overcome. Here’s how to feel more comfortable engaging in solo play and embracing your sexuality:

1. Educate yourself

According to Dr. Mintz, educating yourself is the first step to reclaiming your pleasure. To do this, she suggests using a resource such as omgyes.com, a platform that with crucial findings into women’s pleasure and tutorials and tips on how to pleasure yourself. She also says that reading self-pleasure books, like Sex for One by Betty Dodson, For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach, and DIY by Eric Sprankle, can help. Likewise, she explained that Becoming Cliterate offers a detailed “how-to” chapter that can make you feel more orgasmic and more entitled to pleasure. This, unsurprisingly, can make it easier to engage in solo play freely.

2. Create boundaries around your pleasure

Partnered sex is typically done in private, and this makes the ordeal feel intimate. Yet, we rarely extend this boundary to solo sex. The reality is that solo sex is still sex; it’s a deeply intimate act that should be treated with the respect and care it deserves. The next time you engage in solo play, make sure it’s during a window when you’re unlikely to experience interruptions. This will make it easier to quiet your mind and be present.

Likewise, setting the vibe is also key. Ignite your senses by lighting some candles, dimming the lights, and background music, and so forth. Sparking your senses and luxuriating in the right environment will make it easier to relax and subsequently get your body primed and ready for arousal.

3. Start slow

Furthermore, easing into the experience is imperative. So instead of going straight for your genitals, take the time to relax yourself and your body. Take some deep breaths, approach the experience with curiosity rather than an end goal, like having an orgasm, and touch your entire body to get yourself ready. Remember: There is no rush, and you deserve to luxuriate in the experience.

4. Ground yourself

Lastly, you might want to break out a vibrator f you’re having trouble grounding yourself. “Vibration therapy can help encourage relaxation and reduce anxiety-like behaviors,” Naima Karp writes in a blog post for LELO, citing this study for reference. Karp then explains that is because vibrators also double as full-body massagers, meaning they can be used externally to relax your body and release tension. Plus, the vibrations they emit provide sensory stimulation that can help you stay grounded and present. (This can also work for partnered sex, too).

How to implement self-pleasure into your self-care routine

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have overhaul your schedule or lifestyle to make self-pleasure a normal part of your self-care routine. Like the classic Nike slogan, Dr. Mintz says to “just do it”—and don’t wait until you’re horny, either. After all, libido tends to dip when you’re going through a dry spell. So if you haven’t been having sex regularly, diving in is the perfect way to get yourself back into the swing of things. Likewise, Dr. Mintz also suggests scheduling self-pleasure into your calendar. This might look like having standing weekly dates with yourself, masturbating before bed or after you wake up, and so forth.

Toys and accessories to help you on your self-pleasure journey

According to Dr. Mintz, using lubricant during solo play is non-negotiable. She explained we typically associate wetness with being horny, and lube mimics that sensation. This, in turn, can make you feel more turned on and subsequently heighten the experience. Plus, Dr. Mintz says the vulva shouldn’t be touched dry. No matter how you spin it, using lube will make solo sex better.

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Furthermore, Dr. Mintz is also a huge fan of clitoral vibrators. After all, it’s no secret that clitoral orgasms are easier to have than internal orgasms. So having a good external vibrator in your sex toy collection is a must.

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