Life happens. Sometimes we find ourselves immersed in a goal that needs all of our undivided attention, stress from outside factors are really taking a toll on us, and sometimes we’re just plain exhausted from life in general. With everything in life, there’s always going to be ups and downs—yes, that includes relationships. But what happens when you can’t tell the difference between a partner who is genuinely swamped at the moment, or a partner who—to be blunt—just doesn’t want you?
While life isn’t always black and white, there are a few telltale signs that can help you figure out where your partner stands in your relationship if you’re unsure of it yourself. Neither one of you should be wasting your time unless you’re both 100% committed to each other. Regardless of what happens, remember that it’s important to always try to communicate before pulling the trigger on something big; and always keep in mind that you’re only responsible for yourself, and if your partner isn’t who you thought they were, that’s on them, not you.
Below are the signs that differentiate a partner who’s committed to you and just simply busy, and a partner who isn’t into you or the relationship for the long haul. These are the signs, and how you can approach and overcome them.
Signs they’re busy:
- If your partner is distant or snappy with everyone and not just you, there’s a good chance they’re just simply busy. When someone begins to pull away from a relationship, they generally tend to act out coldly and harshly towards that one specific person. I’ll notice when my boyfriend is busy because of work by the way he interacts with not only me, but family members as well—he’ll seemingly have his head in the clouds, his nose buried in his phone; all of this equates to his mind being preoccupied with outside factors, not as a direct reflection on me. Pay atttention to how your partner is around everyone close to them because this will help you see whether or not they’re pulling away from the relationship.
- Another easy, simple way to weed out the possibility of your partner not being into you is by simply figuring out if they’re busy with legitimate work. Certain times of the year are usually busier than others in almost all lines of work. For example, if your partner is an accountant, it’s safe to say that during tax season they’re probably swamped and may seem more distant when they come home. I know with my boyfriend the time around Thanksgiving is crazy hectic because of all the Black Friday sales he has to promote for his sponsorships and his own business ventures. Try to figure out what times of the year are busiest for your S.O’s work schedule, this will help you determine if they’re simply busy with work obligations, or if they’re detaching themselves from you.
- If your S.O has a big task/goal looming over their head, chances are they’re going to come off as being distant. While this may not make you feel so good, try to put yourself in their shoes and be understanding; we all know what it’s like to be busy with something important. The behavior your partner is showing and the way you’re feeling is just temporary—it’ll wear off once they’ve finally crossed the finish line.
How you can remedy the situation:
If you just read the signs above and feel like those are the ones you relate to—great, your partner is probably just simply busy and still wants to have you in their life! Although this may come as a relief, there are some things you can try doing to help bring you and your partner closer together again.
Communication is key in all relationships, so if you’re feeling neglected, it’s important you approach your S.O calmly and speak honestly from the heart. You’re entitled to feeling the way you do, and your feelings are something you should never be ashamed of. A good partner and someone who loves you will be willing to hear you out, and be open to making you feel more important again.
This past year my boyfriend dieted for his last bodybuilding show ever, and before the diet started he came to me very honestly and said: “There are going to be times when I may seem distant because I’m dizzy from the lack of food, and my libido is going to drop towards the end of the diet from lack of calories and energy. None of this will have anything to do with you, and once the show is over everything will go back to normal again.” Because my boyfriend was upfront and honest with me about the ensuing circumstances ahead in our relationship, there wasn’t ever a time I felt unwanted or unloved during that thirteen week diet; and the times I did feel slightly neglected, I communicated my feelings to my man.
As difficult as these conversations may be, they can also be very therapeutic for the both of you. The dialogue may help your S.O see where their problems stem from within themselves, while including you in the findings at the same time. In addition, when you open up the dialogue for that difficult conversation, it’s important that you allow your partner to speak honestly without exploding. Listening to your partner calmly and patiently will teach them that it’s okay to be honest with you. For more detail and in-depth help on how to begin a tough conversation without starting a fight, you can refer back to this article here.
Signs they don’t want you:
- On the flip side of a couple of the signs mentioned above, if your partner begins snapping at you all the time and distancing themselves during everything, they’re showing the classic symptoms of someone who’s pulling away from a relationship. Isolated anger can represent emotions like resentment or disdain, and those are two examples of the kind of emotions that have no place existing in a healthy relationship. You may even notice before you and your S.O go out to meet up with friends that they’re behaving cruelly towards you and appear miserable, but all of that magically disappears when they see other people. If this sort of behavior starts occurring more and more often, that’s a major red flag to you and your relationship.
- Intimacy is important in a relationship, and if you notice your partner’s waning interest in sex, lack of sex drive, or even worse—no sex between the two of you at all; you should know that your partner may not be into you anymore. Of course there may be certain circumstances where your partner may have less of a sex drive, but any sort of lack of intimacy—even with things as small as cuddling, or any sort of affection like a quick peck on the lips—is a hard sign of someone who’s not into you anymore.
- Lastly, a big warning sign of someone who doesn’t want in your life anymore is when they show no ambition for the relationship. This can include things like not making time for the two of you, spending less and less time together, letting themselves go, lack of attention for you and your life, and pure laziness in general. Strong couples typically thrive and strengthen their relationship over time, and they make it a priority to build up the foundation of their love together. I’ve been with my boyfriend for six and a half years and I still love dressing up for him, and in turn, he’s told me that he still loves taking me out and showing me off. (His words, not mine!) All relationships take effort, and a partner who puts in none isn’t a partner at all—they want out.
What to do:
First and foremost, you should recognize your self-worth and know that you deserve a partner who’s truly into you and loves you for who you are. You deserve that.
Before you pull the plug on the relationship, you may want to try talking to your partner about the ensuing predicament you’ve found yourselves in. Your partner’s answers may pleasantly surprise you, or they may be a little harsh, so it’s important you’re ready for it. Maybe you’ll be able to chalk the whole thing up to a misunderstanding or lack of communication, maybe not. However, as someone who’s been in an abusive relationship in the past, I know firsthand how heartbreaking and devastating it is to feel unwanted by the person you “love”—but that’s just the thing; true love will never make you feel unwanted.
Try to listen to your gut feeling. If you have to ask yourself what the right thing to do is, there’s your answer right there. When something is really good, you don’t ever feel the need to ask about it. A lot of times we know what the right solution is, but we choose to ignore it. If you find yourself stuck, try imagining yourself as being the kind of role model you’d want your kids or younger siblings to have. In the past, when I’ve been faced with tough decisions, I’ve imagined myself as the kind of role model I’d want my younger brother to have, and I’ve found it’s helped me tremendously in making the “right decision.”
Love is ugly, messy, tragic, and beautiful. You are flawless in your own way, and you don’t deserve anything less than being loved.
