It seems like nowadays, relationships have become all about who can care less. People everywhere are constantly playing this back-and-forth game until one can’t take it anymore and dips out, or until it all falls apart before it’s begun. The real problem with this game, though, is the fact that in the end, there are no winners.
The term play hard to get means to pretend to be inaccessible or uninterested; or to act coy, especially with the opposite sex. Back in the day, IMO, this term was used to see if the other person really wanted to work for you, and that would determine whether or not it would be worth it to pursue the possibility of a romantic relationship with them. In today’s society of hookup culture, however, I believe that this term has evolved into something else entirely. It’s no longer about whether or not someone wants to work for you, it’s all about seeing how long you can hold out on them before either party gives or takes off. Truth be told, this game is seriously exhausting, and nine times out of ten doesn’t have the desired affect it once did—which is why I’m here today to tell you that playing the hard to get card is seriously overrated.
Now, I’m not advocating for immediately jumping into bed the first night with every potential lover you come across—though if you want to do that I am all for it (I may or may not have done that the first night with the my S.O who I am now in a near seven year relationship with). What I am advocating for, however, is ditching this cat-and-mouse game and growing up. Let’s talk about why playing hard to get is seriously overrated, and how to handle it.
Why it’s seriously overrated:
- Honesty is hot. In today’s world, honesty and vulnerability are sexy. In a world where appearances are everything, there’s something so endearing about someone who reveals their true colors and wears them proudly. Being upfront with someone also shows good character, which means that that person will most likely be better suited for a relationship.
- Too old to be playing games. This kind of behavior is what separates the men from the boys and women from the girls. It’s also a big indicator of someone who isn’t ready for a relationship. Engaging in these kinds of games also shows a lack of maturity, which obviously can’t sustain in a long-term, serious, romantic relationship.
- Shows someone isn’t ready for a relationship. Grown-ups don’t have time to be running around and playing games because they have other, more important matters to attend to. Not only does this reveal a person’s level of maturity, it’s also typically indicative of a big ego, and egos have no place in relationships. Big egos not only have no place in a relationship because of the fact that they’re liable to cause humans delusions of grandeur, they’re so surface level. Egos impact everything a person does—from the way they walk, talk, and everything in between. The problem is that that’s not who they really are, not one bit of it is authentic. Most of time people with inflamed egos don’t even know who they are themselves, and you can’t give yourself to someone else until you’re comfortable in your own skin and know who you are and what you stand for.
- If there’s a connection, it’ll be there immediately. If you ask anyone who’s ever been in love or in a serious relationship, they’ll tell you that they just knew they were the one. It’s really hard to put into words on paper exactly what that feels like because you just know; it’s a gut-feeling. When it’s real, you won’t want to fight it or ignore it, you won’t want to stop, and the thought of actually taking a step back to make someone chase you a little more won’t even cross your mind. When my boyfriend and I first got together, not once did I think, “maybe I should take a step back, maybe this isn’t real; what the hell am I doing?!” Now, I didn’t move in with my man right away (as told in my confessional here), but I never had to stop and actually think about what I was doing, I knew there was a passionate connection there, and I wanted to hold on to it. I didn’t want to let it go.
- If you chase them before the relationship, you’ll spend the relationship still chasing them. Tying into everything mentioned above, someone who makes you chase them is: not ready for a relationship, immature, uncomfortable in their own skin, and has a 99.999% probability of an ego problem. All of these things have no business being in a relationship. If you have to chase them before the relationship’s even begun, they’re not going to stop making you go after them. People who make you do this will also take advantage of the fact that you keep pursuing them, which will only ignite their deluded minds even more into believing they’re something that they’re not. Someone who really cares for you and is interested won’t make you chase them. They won’t take, take, take while you give, give, give. They’ll meet you in the middle because they’re just as interested as you are.
How to handle it:
Whether you’re the one playing hard to get or pursuing someone who is, the smartest thing to do for yourself and your heart is to stop it immediately. In both scenarios, neither person is ready for a romantic relationship, and adults don’t have time to sit around and play games like kids on a playground. As I said in the first paragraph, relationships aren’t about who can care less. Coldness doesn’t equal true love. In the end, no one wins.
If you’re playing hard to get there’s a good chance there’s either one or a whole slew of underlying issues. Maybe you’re scared of opening yourself up or getting hurt, maybe the idea of being vulnerable terrifies you—whatever the case may be, you’re probably not ready for a relationship. The best thing you can do for your heart and soul is take the time to truly sit with yourself, really get to know and get comfortable in who you are. It may be hard (been there, done that), but it’s vital not only for future relationships but for yourself as well, maybe even more so. Ask yourself why you’re playing these games and what you’re really getting out of it, try to figure out where this sort of behavior could possibly stem from. From there, getting to the root of the problem will be much easier. Once you’ve identified all of this you’ll find that you’re no longer scared of opening up and putting yourself out there, and by doing so, you’ll receive the kind of relationship you want.
On the flip side, for the sake of total transparency, if you’re chasing someone who is playing hard to get, you’re not going to have a good relationship even if you do end up getting together in the end. Someone who cares about you won’t waste your time by making you fight for them before the relationship’s even begun. It’s also safe to say that there’s a good chance you’re pursuing someone who’s emotionally unavailable. If you find the coldness or lack of interest endearing, you’re going to end up in a relationship that’s based on a lie. That kind of behavior doesn’t represent true love, it represents an addiction, one that will be your downfall.
It’s important that you ask yourself why you’re chasing this person in the first place, it’s not like you know who they really are. What do you have to gain from this relationship? Is the kind of person who leaves your texts on read purposely and ditches you left and right the kind of person you’ll be able to share everything with? No, they’re not. Try taking a look within yourself and answering these things. Why do you think you’re pursuing someone like this? Are you emotionally damaged at the moment and are more comfortable being with someone who keeps their walls up so you can keep yours up too? Are you doing this because you think it’s what you deserve? You’re going to want to sit with yourself and try to identify why you’re engaging in this sort of behavior with someone who, for all intents and purposes, really doesn’t love you. As heartbreaking as it may be, you may find that you’re doing this because you don’t love and value yourself.
At the end of the day, everyone wants to be loved. Sharing your life with someone is so special, and when it’s real, it makes life’s special moments and experiences that much more magical. People who rely on the hard to get card are usually the unhappiest ones, and no one will live a fulfilling life until they are their most authentic selves. Life is too short and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, don’t waste your time playing games or engaging with someone who does. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is comfortable enough to put themselves out there even though they know there’s a chance they could get hurt.
