Grief can be a tricky thing. It affects everyone differently; we all handle loss in our own way. When it comes to grief following a big loss, there is no “one size fits all”—there can’t be, because again, we all react to and handle these things in our own, various ways.
I just suffered a big loss in my family—quite possibly the biggest loss to date. In the days leading up to and following the loss I saw myself, my S.O, and my family members deal with and attempt to come to grips with it in multiple different ways. This is the first time I’ve ever suffered a loss this big, and also while in a relationship. It got me thinking about how difficult times like these can impact a relationship. I’ve been blessed to have a boyfriend who’s capable and understanding, and who has been by my side throughout, but I’ve seen moments and times where others aren’t so lucky.
I’m not an expert, but after dealing with this and seeing all couples handle it in their own way, I’ve learned some tips and tricks that can be helpful when it comes to dealing with grief in a relationship. The time after a loss is a very delicate time and should be handled with care by your S.O. These are my tips for dealing with grief in a relationship, so it doesn’t create a gap between the two of you and tear you apart.
Tips for dealing with grief:
Let them react
As I said in the beginning of this post, everyone reacts to grief in their own way. Some people get it out by snapping, crying, keeping it to themselves, and so on and so forth. When there is the potential for a big loss looming over someone’s head they’re, understandably, more likely to snap and let our their frustrations and anger more quickly. Let them get out their emotions, they’re entitled to during a very stressful time. Don’t react to anything they say—if someone snaps at you, they’re most likely not expecting an answer in return, especially at a time like this.
Don’t take things personally
Going off of what I mentioned above, if your S.O snaps at you or is harsh, don’t take it personally. During an unprecedented time like this, they don’t mean it. It’s not about you, and chances are they’re not really thinking about you either. Humans have a tendency to take out their anger on those closest to them. It’s not the best thing to do in normal, day-to-day scenarios, but during a time of loss, it’s perfectly normal and allowed. Don’t make it about you by taking anything to heart. If it continues after a long period after the initial shock has subsided, then that’ s a different story.
Be selfless + strong
Both you and your S.O could be feeling the loss and devastation, but there’s going to be one of you who is feeling it slightly more or has a deeper connection to that person. You’re both entitled to mourn, but it’s important that you remain strong for your S.O.
Speaking from experience, my boyfriend and I have both been mourning the recent loss in my family, but leading up to this loss my boyfriend remained strong and composed for me while I was getting out all of my tears and heartbreak and pain. I didn’t ask him to do that, it was something he did on his own. Afterward, I told him that he was allowed to be upset, he’s entitled to be because he was close to this person as well, but he insisted that he couldn’t be falling apart at the same time I was. We’ve both had moments of grieving together, but he’s remained composed and strong when he’s needed to be, for myself and my family. I know whenever, God forbid, the roles are reserved, I’ll do the same.
Let them mourn how they want to
Some people find comfort in taking a few days to themselves while others find it by keeping busy 24/7. Those are very broad, general examples, but whatever the case may be, it’s important that you allow you S.O to mourn how they want to without criticizing them for it. There is no right way to deal with grief, we’re not given a guidebook on it growing up, and everyone’s reaction to it varies.
I found comfort in being around family members and keeping my brain busy with mindless things—i.e reading in the sun or playing Sims. My boyfriend didn’t say a word to me. He didn’t tell me I needed to take it easy and give myself a break, or that I should be doing more—he left me alone to mourn and deal with things how I felt best. He didn’t complain about the fact that I was suddenly spending more time with my family than him; he didn’t say I was neglecting him. Instead, he kept reminding me of the fact that he was here for me, and he wanted me to continue doing the things I found comfort in. He didn’t ask a single thing of me except that I let myself grieve the way I want to.
Let your S.O mourn the way they want to, so long as they’re not hurting themselves or anyone else around them. They’ll snap out of it eventually, we all do. Depending on the size of the loss, it may take time, and will probably be a very slow, long process. There’s a good chance there will be good days and bad, and it may be up and down for a little while emotionally but, in time, it will get easier. The pain will progress from a sharp, stabbing sensation to a dull ache. Be patient, there is no set time frame when it comes to grief.
Don’t interfere, be the shoulder they can cry on
Whatever you do, don’t keep pressing your S.O to talk to you about their feelings or constantly shove in their face things that’ll help get their mind off of the pain and make themselves feel better. Don’t force anything. Don’t get worked up because you feel like you should be doing more. Instead, merely remind them that you’re there for them if they need you. Don’t insert yourself into it, that’ll only make things worse. Let your partner know that you’ll be the shoulder they can cry on. Even the people who outwardly seem like they don’t need anyone and can handle it all on their own like to know that their partner will be there for them if need be.
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Grief is complicated, and loss impacts lives significantly, oftentimes leaving a big gap in its wake. Be gentle with yourself and your S.O. If you or your S.O needs help dealing with grief because it feels too big to handle, try reaching out to a professional like a therapist. These are the tips I’ve learned from dealing with a significant loss recently. They’re what’s worked for me and my relationship, and I’ve found them to be the most helpful.
