Let’s be real—everyone has some sort of an ego, and everyone’s gotten caught up in it at some point in their lives. It’s not hard to do, and it’s not hard to do when it comes to love and relationships; a relationship based on ego can easily be misunderstood as love. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the person caught up in their own ego doesn’t love their S.O on some level or at all—because they very may well love them—it just means that their ego is holding them back from getting to that place of deep, true, and spiritual love. However, a relationship founded on ego love is not sustainable long-term—it’s a relationship that can’t survive.
But how do you know whether or not your relationship is based on ego love or true love, especially when it’s so easy to misunderstand ego love? I’ve broken down the differences below, and what to do in different situations to overcome ego love and find that deep, spiritual connection that will lead to true love.
Ego love vs true love:
Signs of ego love:
- Controllingness.
- Sarcasm, put downs, and all around constant criticism.
- Manipulation.
- Power imbalance between people.
- Possessiveness.
- Need to change or “fix” another.
- Pointing fingers/playing the blame game in which said person is always blameless.
Ego love is almost always based on fear, and it hurts. A relationship founded on ego often stems from someone who feels invalidated or unworthy of love in some way. They’re incapable of loving themselves, but expect that by having someone else love them, they will become whole or worthy of being loved. They seek out another to validate themselves so they don’t have to deal with their worst fears.
Signs of true love:
- Trust.
- Vulnerability.
- Acceptance.
- Independence.
- Freedom.
- Equality.
- Room to grow.
- Overall feeling of well-being and peace.
On the flip side, true love doesn’t hurt. It is selfless and kind. It doesn’t mean that there are never any bumps in the road, it simply means that when faced with a challenge, a couple who’s relationship is built on authentic love will be able to work through it together. They’re able to overcome onstacles and grow as both individuals and couple. This kind of relationship will have individuals who both complement and enhance one another.
What to do:
Regardless of what the case may be, it’s important to remember that at the end of the day, we’re all capable of living a fulfilling life filled with authentic love in all of our relationships. Truthfully, no one can overcome and heal from anything if they’re blinded by their ego. If you feel as though your relationship may be founded on ego love rather than true love, don’t panic. There may be an ego blinding you or your S.O, but if true love exists underneath it all, you’ll be able to sift through the ego and find it. Working through this is going to vary depending on the situation, so let’s break down what to do.
If it’s you:
Ask yourself why you want to be with this person. Do you think you truly love them, or are they simply just filling a void? Are you scared of being alone? Does the idea of overcoming your scars and insecurities terrify you? No matter what the answer is, you’re going to have to do a lot of healing from the inside out. You’re going to have to sift through everything and get to the heart of the problem. This will involve self-help practices such as journaling, mindfulness exercises and books, and even talking to a therapist. If you want to try to and make it work with your partner, be honest with them and tell them that you’re struggling, ask them to be patient while you try to work things out in yourself. You’ll get to learn and know yourself better through these practices too, which will help remove that fear and fill in any voids all on your own.
If it’s them:
None of us has the ability to change another, but we do have the ability to speak up. If your relationship’s important to you and you think it’s worth saving, bring this to your S.O’s attention. Be honest about how you’re feeling and how their actions make you feel, see how they respond. Start being yourself more—don’t hide who you are in order to please your S.O, that will only fuel their ego more. See if by being yourself anything changes; maybe it will, maybe it won’t. If it doesn’t, you may want to think about ending things. Life’s too short to be with someone who doesn’t really love you, the real you, and you deserve more.
If it’s both of you:
How often do two broken, scarred people find each other and forge a relationship from their shared brokenness? Pretty often. When this happens, both people have formed a relationship and connection based on ego—each one is using the other to fill in whatever “broken” part of themselves they haven’t fixed on their own yet. But a relationship in which both parties are in it for their own ego is a toxic one, and you should end it before it’s too late. A toxic relationship is going to destroy either one or both of you, and will trap you in a never-ending vicious cycle. Let go, and start healing on your own.
