Outsiders can pose a major threat to all relationships. The worst part is that it’s actually pretty easy to be influenced by the people around us, be it knowingly or unknowingly. Most often, these outside interferers are the people who are closest to us—aka friends and family. The people around us can influence us with their opinions, fears, and even insecurities.
When things pose a threat to your relationship, the key is to be able to recognize the warning signs before it’s too late, before the opinions have gotten into your head and the relationship.
But how do you know whether or not an outsider is influencing your relationship? I’ve broken down the ways outsiders interfere in relationships, the signs that indicate whether your own relationship has been influenced by outsiders, and what you can do to protect it.
Ways outsiders interfere:
Family:
Family members have a huge influence over us, so it’s not surprising that they’re perhaps the ones with the bigggest ability to undermine our relationship and cause us to question it. The most annoying part is that they sometimes do this unknowingly, unaware of how their opinions are damaging the relationship. The reason family members hold such power over us is because we oftentimes look at them as the authority figures in our lives—be it parents, relatives, or parental figures—well into adulthood and the rest of our lives. Regardless of how much we grow and mature, the authority figures will remain the same; they’ll always be the ones we look up to and listen to, even if on a small, subconscious level. They have the ability to get under our skin, into our heads. If they repeat something enough, it will get embedded in us, consciously or subconsciously. This makes it hard to differentiate between our own feelings and opinions about our S.O and relationship, and those of our family members. It’s easy to fall into their line of thinking.
Family members are also great at doling out worst-case scenarios. They, of course, won’t call them that, they’ll usually refer to them as “being logical” or “reasoning.” They’re fantastic at the “what-if’s” of life. What if you move in together and break up down the road? What if you move out of state for your partner’s job and lose everything you’ve built for yourself? What if your partner takes advantage of you and your money? They’re great at generating crises, and looking at the glass half empty. A lot of times this is done in an effort to protect you, but it typically backfires; it’s extremely unhelpful, and puts a strain on your relationship. It oftentimes leads you to questioning just how strong your relationship truly is.
Lastly, if your family members make you feel uncomfortable when it comes to the subject of your S.O or bringing them around, take that as a sign you’ve allowed their influence to worm their way into your relationship. Nothing is worse than feeling uncomfortable around your family because they’ve made it known that they don’t approve of or care for your S.O. Regardless of their feelings, they should be able to keep them to themselves out of support and love for you. When you have to question whether or not you can bring your partner somewhere, you’re in trouble.
Friends:
The best thing about friends is that, unlike family, we have the ability to pick them. We have the power to choose who we let into our lives, which is why it can be crushing when one of our confidantes tries to undercut our relationship. A good friend will be there for you no matter what, be there to help you pick up the pieces if you fall. We’ve all been in situations where we probably didn’t approve of our friend’s S.O—but a mature person wouldn’t make that opinion known, and if they did, they wouldn’t do it in a way that puts you in an awkward position. For examples, they wouldn’t invite you out somewhere but not your S.O because they’d be aware of how much that would hurt you, and how difficult of a position they’d be putting you in by inadvertently forcing you to choose between their friendship and your partner. This sort of behavior puts a strain on all your relationships.
Friends can also interfere in your relationship by creating doubt about your partner. Despite how strong the trust may be, being around someone else who’s questioning your S.O will inadvertently cause you to begin questioning everything about them and the relationship as well. It’s hard not to let friends get into your head because we typically choose to spend our time with like-minded people, those who we can relate to and confide in. If we value someone else’s opinion, it’s hard to take their doubts lightly. A friend may be exuding this behavior based on a bad gut-feeling they have about your S.O and this is their way of protecting you, or maybe they’re doing it because they’re jealous of the fact that you’re in a happy and healthy relationship and they’re not. Whatever the reason may be, friends have the power to influence your relationship.
Signs you’ve allowed outside influences into your relationship:
Now that we’ve broken down some examples of how those closest to us can interfere in relationships, let’s break down the signs that you’ve allowed them to.
- You’re doubting everything. One sign that you’ve definitely allowed outside influences into your relationship is if you find yourself doubting everything about it. Maybe you’re questioning the bond you and your S.O have, maybe you’re agreeing with those worst-case scenarios and are no longer firm in the belief of the strength you and your partner share—whatever it is, doubt is a major sign that outsiders have infiltrated your relationship.
- You’re constantly annoyed. If you find yourself constantly annoyed at your partner, there’s a strong chance it’s because you’ve allowed outside influences in. You’re probably looking at your S.O and everything they do in a negative light now, because that’s the one those closest to you have cast them in. This is a telltale sign that other people are in your head.
- You’re scared to bring them around and don’t stick up for them. Being scared to bring your S.O around certain people is another sign outsiders have gotten into your head because it means you no longer care about making your S.O feel comfortable and safe, and making your stance on the relationship known. Maybe you think you’re avoiding conflict by essentially living a double life, but this is a telltale sign that outside influences have affected your relationship. Not sticking up for your partner is another sign outsiders have influenced your relationship. You care more about other people’s opinions than sticking up for and supporting your partner.
What to do:
If those signs above didn’t resonate with you, you can breathe a sigh of relief; your relationship is safe—for now. However, it’s good to be aware of the things you can do to protect your relationship.
If you found that the signs mentioned above did resonate with you, don’t worry—the good news is that even if outside influences have wormed their way into your relationship, you can still salvage it. Here are the preventative measures and damage control steps you can take.
- Make your stance clear. Don’t be afraid to make your feelings about your relationship known. Tell people your stance on it, how strongly you feel about your partner, and don’t be ashamed of it. Make sure everyone knows that this is your partner and that the two of you are a team. If you feel as though you’re being put in a bad spot from the people around you, tell them that, too; let them know that they’re putting you in a bad position with their opinions and negativity and that you don’t appreciate it. It’s important to be honest with those around you.
- Don’t vent to others. This is SO important when it comes to maintaining the sanctity and bond of your relationship. Venting to outsiders only shows the bad parts of your relationship, and only from your perspective. Your friends and family are almost always going to take your side, and it’s unfair to both your relationship and S.O to allow others to form opinions based on venting sessions because they won’t be accurate to the truth, and only from one side of the story. Venting only allows small, negative glimpses into a much bigger picture. Don’t vent to others, and other people will suddenly have less to get on you about.
- Maintain a united front. Staying united with your partner in front of others is a huge deterrent from outside influences. When you and your partner present to the world an unbreakable bond, people will be less likely to press and test it. They won’t want to get in the middle of it, and they’ll subconsciously start looking at the two of you as one unit.
- Stick up for your S.O. Whether you’re in front of your S.O or not, it’s important that you always have their back. Sticking up for your partner shows people that you care about them and will ride for them no matter what. From a relationship standpoint, it’s also nice knowing that your partner has your back.
- Be honest with your S.O. There may, unfortunately, be times where something hurtful has been said about your partner while they weren’t around. It’s important to be honest with your partner about these moments and how you handle them because it’s reassuring for them, knowing that no matter what, you have their back. You may think being honest with them about moments like this will be unproductive and hurtful, but honesty is always the best policy, and it’s unfair to your partner to be kept in the dark. If you’re standing up for your relationship and your S.O, then that’s all that counts. My boyfriend and I always tell each other everything, and regardless of the situation, we’re always happy because we know we have each other’s back.
- Don’t listen to others. This one may be easier said than done, but the most important thing to remember is that this is your relationship and no one else’s. No one else is in your shoes, and no one else in the world knows exactly how you feel. There are so many things that go on behind closed doors, so many layers to everything. Don’t allow outside opinions to influence your feelings, you’ll only be doing a disservice to yourself, your relationship, and your partner.
