There’s a common belief that once you get off via some kind of sex toy, you won’t be able to get off without it again (read: “normally” via some form of hand or finger play, oral, or penetration). Or, worse, if a sex toy’s needed during intercourse with someone else, it means they’re bad in bed. So, with all this negativity surrounding them, I can’t help but wonder: Are sex toys bad for your sex life?
Make no mistake, I am not a sex toy aficionado—and not because I have an aversion to them. Rather, I’ve always been a huge proponent of extensive foreplay; I’ll shout its importance from the rooftops if need be. However, this makes me the perfect person to investigate whether or not sex toys are harmful for your sex life. (Total disclaimer: I have a predisposition to think they aren’t).
Are sex toys bad for your sex life?
In short: No. In fact, it’s quite the opposite—sex toys can enhance your sex life with yourself or a partner. Using sex toys can help you get to know yourself and your body better. In turn, this will help you better communicate your needs to your partner in the bedroom. Plus, using a sex toy and orgasming more frequently is not only good for your health, but it can also help boost your libido, too.
Additionally, adding sex toys to your sex life with your partner can spice things up a bit. This doesn’t mean you have to use them every time, but it can be a good way to shake things up and keep them interesting.
Can vibrators desensitize you?
Although vibrators are among the top choices of sex toys for women, many fear that overusing them may inhibit their ability to orgasm without it. “A vibrator can be a wonderful thing because for many women, it’s the only way they can have an orgasm,” Dr. Lori Buckley tells Refinery29. “But, like ice cream, too much of a good thing can be bad. Becoming dependent on it is definitely possible.” The problem? The intense stimulation can make it more difficult to respond to a subtler touch, Tracy Quan, former writer and sex columnist for Salon, adds.
But does this mean that women should stay away from vibrators completely—solo or with a partner? Hell no! And Dr. Buckley stresses that this is the last thing you should do. If you feel like you’re becoming desensitized, try shelving your vibrator for a little bit and going back to basics once or twice a week. You can do this solo or with a partner.
Just keep in mind that it’ll probably take you longer to orgasm without your vibe, and that’s totally OK! It may take up to 30 minutes or more, but is that really such a bad thing? Light some candles, relax, and get intimate with yourself or your partner. Pleasuring yourself and getting back in touch with what feels good is never a bad thing.
How to incorporate sex toys into your life:
Sex toys are still a major taboo for a lot of people, which is honestly annoying AF because they shouldn’t be. If you’re curious about incorporating more sex toys into your life, there’s nothing to be ashamed of! Curiosity, in this case, will not kill the cat.
1. Give yourself permission to explore
You should never feel any shame about your desires, fantasies, or curiosities. Humans are naturally curious and, sexually speaking, there’s a lot to be curious about and try. Give yourself permission to explore whatever it is that you want. Sexually liberating yourself is key to experiencing ultimate sexual satisfaction in your life.
2. Do your research
I know what you’re thinking—research for sex toys? But hear me out: Learning about different toys and their functions can help you better pick out what you want to try to get started. Whether it’s the OG Rabbit vibrator (who else remembers the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte wouldn’t leave the house because she was addicted to it? LOL), or a BDSM kit, do your research before you buy.
3. Test it out
Now the fun part! Set aside time to test out your new toy. This can be via solo play or with a partner. There’s no wrong choice; it’s all up to you.
If you’re doing it solo…
Give yourself enough time to relax and get into things. If the mood isn’t right, you might be more inclined to disregard the toy altogether. Set aside a window where you can totally focus on using the toy and only the toy. Take a nice long bath, stay in bed… you get the picture.
If you’re doing it with a partner…
If you want to test it out with a partner, be sure to talk to them about it beforehand. Springing something like this onto them at the last minute may be a bit overwhelming, and as with all things sex, it’s crucial that all parties involved feel safe and comfortable.
Discussing the use of a new toy ahead of time with your partner will help get both of you in the right headspace. Just remember to be open, honest, and kind when communicating, and make sure they know this isn’t a poor reflection on them. Don’t forget to highlight the good parts about bringing in a toy, either. Who knows, maybe you’ll both stumble upon a kink or fetish that’s been lurking under the surface.
