Betrayal cuts deep. It hurts so bad because betrayal typically comes from the one person you never thought would hurt you, someone you’ve opened yourself up to, put your faith in, and trusted. Betrayal in relationships can come in many forms including but not limited only to infidelity. Some forms of betrayal besides infidelity include: emotional cheating, selfishness, not being there and present, taking the relationship and other person for granted, lying, low-blows, spilling secrets, and not having their S.O’s back. Things like low-blows and selfishness may not be as big of a betrayal as something like infidelity or emotional cheating, but nonetheless they still hurt; they just seem a lot easier to overcome. Whatever the case may be, no matter how big or small, if undealt with, the sting of that betrayal will only fester and grow over time.
When someone’s betrayed in a relationship, they’re often left feeling inadequate. Betrayal shatters trust and can also build emotional walls in someone; it also creates distance between two people. Betrayal needs to be dealt with.
But betrayal doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Most people who are betrayed by someone they love oftentimes believe that there is no way back again, that all hope and love is lost and gone forever. Most people don’t believe that there’s a path to rebuilding, which is when a lot of people usually throw in the towel and give up. Contrary to popular opinion, none of this has to be the case. In fact, almost all couples who commit to repairing and rebuilding their relationship after a betrayal come out stronger than before. This also usually leads to couples learning more about themselves as individuals and as a couple; it has the potential to bring growth all-around.
If you’ve been betrayed in a relationship, you’ll need to decide if your relationship’s worth fighting for. It’ll be a tough decision that you’ll have to come to on your own, but just know that when there’s real love and chemistry there, a relationship can survive betrayal—as long as both parties are open and willing to put the work in to rebuild.
If you decide that your relationship is worth fighting for and you and your partner are committed to rebuilding, here’s how to deal with betrayal and overcome it to make the relationship stronger than ever.
How to deal with and overcome betrayal:
- Make a decision and stick to it. This is perhaps one of the biggest key elements when it comes to dealing with and overcoming betrayal. If you make the conscious decision to work through and overcome the betrayal, you need to stick to it. You can’t go back-and-forth, you’ll only be keeping both yourself and your partner in relationship limbo. Flip-flopping to the point where you feel different each day, every hour, or every minute is only going to prolong the hurt and hinder the relationship.
- Let go and forgive. Hurt people hurt people. Holding onto anger and pain is a lot easier than letting it go, but again, if you’re serious about your relationship and making it work, you need to let it go. That’s not to say there won’t be moments where you’ll feel angry or hurt (especially in the immediate aftermath), but you can’t hold onto and feed off of those emotions. Doing so will only keep you in relationship limbo. It’s unfair to both yourself and your partner and will only lead to more hurt. (I speak from experience.) Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re igorning what’s happened; it simply means you’re consciously choosing to let go, heal, and rebuild. No matter what you decide, letting go of anger, hurt, and pain and forgiving someone is the only way to heal and move on from betrayal whether you’re with your S.O or not.
- Listen and be heard. When overcoming betrayal it’s important that both the betrayed and betrayer listen to the other and are heard. Talking through a bundle of emotions will help untangle them all, and also give both of you a better picture of the others mindset. The betrayer needs to understand the pain they’ve caused the other, and the betrayed needs to make sure they articulate their feelings and are open to apologies. This also prevents feelings from being held inside, festering, and growing.
- Isolate the times you talk about the incident. The situation needs to be talked about, but doing so 24/7 will only intensify the hurt and anger. It’s not healthy for either party to reminisce and ruminate constantly on these bad memories because it’ll only re-trigger and retrauamatize both of them over and over again. Each party will end up reliving the traumatic experience. Instead, the betrayed should set a time where they’re allotted to discuss the event and work through their feelings with their S.O. This is also a great thing to do when it comes to the time spent focusing on the event. Allow yourself a certain amount of time to think about it each day if you need to, and once that time is up, put it aside and let it go. This will allow you to deal with your feelings in a healthy way without letting them consume you.
- Start making new memories together. The brain is a powerful tool. While healing, focus on making new memories together as a couple. Perhaps you avoid spots and places you used to frequent that now seem tainted. Going to these places may potentially magnify and intensify the hurt, reopen wounds, and relive the trauma because of mental associations. Instead, for the time being, visit new places and embark on new adventures. This is also representation of a new chapter for your relationship. The good news is that after your relationship’s been rebuilt and time has passed, you’ll more likely than not be able to visit those old hangouts just fine.
- Give yourselves time and do it together. In the immediate aftermath, it may feel like this is something you’ll never heal from, but the good news is that with time and the right steps, you will. When overcoming a betrayal, it’s important that both of you do it together; it can’t be one person doing it all on their own.
- Seek out professional help if you need it. Therapists are therapists for a reason, and if you find that you and your S.O are having difficulty overcoming betrayal, it may be time to seek out a professional. A couples counselor or individual therapist will work for this. They’ll be able to help you work through and untangle your feelings, in addition to giving you great coping skills and tools to use in your own time that will help you deal with and overcome betrayal. Don’t be scared to ask for help from a professional, it shows more strength and bravery than being prideful and doing it on your own ever could.
