We all struggle in life, and we all handle things differently. When it comes to relationships and your partner is going through something, this is where excuse versus empathy comes in. If your partner is acting out a certain way because of circumstance and you decide to lessen or completely disregard accountability for their behavior, you’re making an excuse for your S.O. On the other hand, if you’re able to understand where your partner is coming from and connect with them, you’re acting out of empathy. In some cases, empathy leads to excuses, but regardless, there is a fine line between excuses and empathy in relationships.
When a relationship is healthy, two people should help make the other stronger. They should both be able to lift each other up whenever they’re down. When someone is making excuses for their partner’s behavior, they’re enabling them to repeat something time and time again. Whereas someone who’s empathetic toward their partner and circumstance will understand and try to get them back to a healthy, thriving place.
Below I’ve broken down the signs that you’re making excuses for your partner, the signs that you’re truly acting out of empathy, and the best thing you can do for yourselves and the relationships.
Signs you’re making excuses:
- Repetitive behavior. People repeat behavior that they’re used to getting away with. If whenever a problem comes their way they run and hide, retreat into themselves, or take it out on you and get away with it every single time, they’re going to continue that cycle over and over again. If your S.O is exhibiting cyclical behavior, it may be time to consider how you’ve been letting them get away with things for so long.
- You let them wallow. Sitting in your sorrows and feeling sorry for yourself isn’t productive at all. If you notice that your S.O has a tendency to do this after one thing goes wrong in their life, it may be time to consider how much you’ve been enabling them. Everyone deserves a partner who’s strong, who will be able to hold both of you up if one of you is down, and someone who exudes this behavior won’t be that person. You need to help them break the cycle, not enable it.
- You don’t talk to them. Communication is key during all times in a relationship–it’s not circumstantial–so if your partner is going through something and zips up, you can’t be afraid to open them back up again. Just because they seem like they don’t want to talk or it’s not a good time doesn’t mean that you should cut off dialogue completely. Of course there’s a time and place to talk to your S.O, but letting time go by and not talking to them about what’s going on is only making excuses for them. We’re all adults, we all have to deal with things.
- Coddling. Tying into everything mentioned above, coddling is a form of excusing someone’s behavior. Like I said, we’re all adults, we all go through things, and we all have to deal with them. Reassuring someone that their behavior is perfectly fine and justified is only going to enable them more.
Signs you’re empathetic:
- You talk to them when something happens. Part of being empathetic means having the ability to understand and feel where another person is coming from. You can’t begin trying to understand someone if you don’t know where they’re coming from in the first place. If your partner acts out and you make it a point to talk to them so you can try and understand what’s going on so you can try to help them out and get them back to a strong and healthy place, you’re being empathetic, not making excuses.
- Supportive and understanding. Part of being a good partner is having the ability to be supportive and understanding of your S.O always. Talking to your partner so you can be both of those things is going to benefit both of you.
- Not repeating behavior. Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn and grow from. If your partner grows from an experience and doesn’t repeat behavior, take that as a sign your empathy towards them during a difficult time helped them grow.
- Tough love. Sometimes people need a little bit of this in their life to snap them out of their slump. You can be understanding of your partner and sympathize with what they’re going through, but you still need to remind them to get back to work. Sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself is useless. Tough love is the perfect example of empathy. You can give someone tough love without being mean.
RELATED: TOUGH LOVE VS CODDLING: HOW TO DO IT + WHEN THEY NEED IT
Best thing you can do:
As I said in the beginning, relationships should make you better. The two of you should be able to feed off of each other and lift the other one up when one of you is down. If you feel like you’re more empathetic to your partner whenever they’re going through it, good for you! You probably have a good handle on yourself, your S.O, and the relationship. On the other hand, if you feel like you fit in the category of someone who makes excuses for their partner, don’t worry, it’s an easy fix; you can learn to be empathetic without making excuses for them. Here’s how.
The first thing you should try to do is learn your partner. Learn how they handle conflict, learn if they respond better to tough love or a little reassurance. In my case, I respond better to a little reassurance that being upset for a moment is perfectly fine because tough love was all I grew up around, and I’m very hard on myself 24/7. Whereas in the case of my boyfriend, he responds better to tough love because it wasn’t used in his home growing up. Everyone is different. You can still be tough and reassuring, you don’t have to baby someone. If you know your partner needs a minute to themselves to regroup before they move on or are ready to talk, don’t be afraid to give them that. As long as you’re actively making an effort through communication and tough love or a little reassurance, you’re doing the right thing.
Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner, don’t let time slip by until it’s forgotten. In order to understand what your S.O is going through and help them out of it, you must first understand where they’re coming from. Again, learning your partner will be helpful for this because there are certain times and ways to talk to your S.O when things are tough. Personally, I know my boyfriend so well that I can tell by his mannerisms alone when something’s wrong. When this happens, I’ll usually ask him if he’s okay or how he’s feeling, and he’ll usually give me a quick, one-word answer. I’ll usually wait a few hours after this before addressing the topic again. The next time I bring it up, I’ll say something along the lines of: “How are you doing? You seemed off to me earlier. I feel like something’s wrong.” This will usually get him to open up and talk to me about everything. From there I’ll either reassure him that everything will be just fine, or I’ll give him some tough love and tell him to get back to work. Communication will allow you to help your partner out of whatever they’re going through, and also strengthen the bond between the two of you.
It’s OK to sympathize with your S.O when they’re going through a tough time. You can still sympathize with your partner and help them out of it. Excuses don’t help anyone or anything, and making excuses for your partner’s behavior isn’t going to benefit either one of you. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your partner and help them out. You may be afraid of how they’ll react or think that only they can help themselves out, but everyone needs a helping hand every now and then. It’s human nature.
