Ask anyone who’s been in a successful, happy marriage or relationship, and they’ll tell you that it’s taken work. Like everything in life, you get out what you put in; but spend year after year after year with the same person, and you may wake up one day and find yourself in a comfort zone.
As humans, it’s easy for us to take the day-to-day things in our lives for granted, including relationships. Patterns are created easily and subconsciously, so it’s unsurprising that after years with the same person you may find that the relationship has suddenly gone stale. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s probably happened to all of us at one point or another, the difference is how it’s been handled and whether or not the actual issue has been addressed.
The good news is that if your relationship is stale, not all is lost. It’s a fairly easy fix, but the repairs have to come from both parties. Below I’ve broken down the signs of a relationship that’s gone stale, and how you and your partner can address, fix, and overcome it to get back on track again. Keep on reading to find out.
Signs the relationship’s gone stale:
One or both of you have stopped making an effort
- If you find that either yourself, your partner, or both of you have stopped making an effort in appearances, dates, quality time together, and intimacy, there’s a very good chance your relationship has gone stale. Contrary to what some believe, taking the time and care to look good for your partner isn’t a bad thing or vain; it shows that you care enough to not let yourself go. Things happen and people change, they age, they have children, etc, and someone who really loves you won’t suddenly find you less attractive because your appearance has changed. Looking good for your S.O is fun!
- Additionally, less and less effort being made when it comes to dates, quality time together, and in the intimacy department are all major red flags of a relationship gone stale because they are all signs of a partnership being taken for granted. Intimacy and passion correlate the bond between two people, and losing that can be the beginning of a spiral downfall of a connection lost.
You’re no longer excited to do things together
- If one-on-one time is diminishing and friends are being brought into the mix more and more, you definitely are in a relationship that has gone stale. This shows a lack of excitement for the relationship and time with your partner. A relationship (traditionally) is a partnership between two people, and three’s a crowd. Allowing more and more outsiders into your relationship and spending less and less time together as a couple is a big, flashing, neon warning sign. Of course you can do things with your friends, and it’s great if you or your S.O has a best friend that you both get along with so all three of you can hang out together; but there should never come a point when there’s less time spent together as a couple and more time spent together with outsiders. If you’re not spending one-on-one time together, how do you ever expect to reignite the spark in the relationship or keep it going?
There’s a lack of romance
- Tying into the signs mentioned above, lack of romance is your third biggest sign that a relationship has gone stale. Any lack of romance—i.e dates, one-on-one time together, sex, random acts of kindness—show a relationship in dire need of a reboot. When it comes to relationships, there is no right or wrong way to keep the romance alive, but keeping it alive is the key in maintaining a healthy relationship that hasn’t gone flat.
- Lack of romance may be broad, but it’s another telltale sign that your relationship has gone stale.
What to do:
If you feel like the signs listed above describe your relationship, don’t panic—your relationship is fixable and most likely hasn’t reached it’s expiration date, yet. However, keep going the way you have been, and you may find your relationship has reached the point of no return, and getting back on track again will be harder and you’ll be less likely to remember what you’re fighting for. In a fast-paced world, these things can be easily forgotten. It’s important to keep the memories and spark alive in your relationship so if that flame dims ever so slightly, you know exactly what you need to do to get it back burning bright again.
Talking to your partner is the first thing you can do to fix the stalemate your relationship has reached. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation because both parties need to be on board if you’re going to overcome this dry spell. All relationships take work, and if one of you isn’t willing to put in the effort, it may be time to think about where you stand in all of this. However, if both of you are willing and ready to put in the work to make it right, the next step would be to focus on getting reconnected and making the effort again.
The easiest thing you can start with is putting more effort into your appearance again. Show not only your partner but yourself that you care about the one body you were given by nurturing it. After I had my shoulder surgery, I (naturally) had to deal with some body fluctuations because of the fact that my body had suffered a major trauma and was working on recovering and protecting itself. Yet despite the fact that I had some body fluctuations, I know my boyfriend never found me any less attractive. In fact, he told me one time that he never worried about any of that because all he was concerned with was making sure I was OK and healed. So, like I said above, things can happen and our appearance can change, but there’s a big difference between that and simply letting yourself go because you’ve reached a comfort zone and are perfectly fine with being in a relationship that’s stale. It’s not purely for vanity purposes, either—it’s for your health. If you won’t make the effort for your own health and body, how could you ever expect your S.O to make the effort for themselves or the relationship as well? On the flip side, if you’re not taking the time to take care of yourself, it’ll usually be evident by the lack of care and effort put in to the relationship.
Additionally, you’ll want to focus on getting reconnected again. This will come from making sure you spend more time together and are still intimate. The best thing you can do to start is set aside time for the two of you once a week. You can make this your date night or just a relaxing night at home—it can be anything and anywhere, so long as it’s a time where the two of you can be a couple without interruptions. I cherish my date nights with my boyfriend, I look forward to them every single week, and I believe that excitement it’s something all relationships should have. Trying to go to bed together at the same time is also a really good way to help prevent the relationship from becoming stale as well. There’s something about getting under the covers at the same time with that special someone that just helps keep the spark alive.
Also, since you want to make sure you’re keeping the flame bright, alive, and well, setting aside time at least once a week for intimacy will be really helpful. It doesn’t have to be a certain day (unless that’s your thing, then you do you all the way), it just has to happen weekly. It’s easy to allow life and the exhaustion from it all overtake you, and before you know it it’s been weeks and you and your partner haven’t had been together. Take the time to be intimate with your S.O, it will help you two remember why you fell in love in the first place. Eventually, you’ll probably find yourself caught up in the passion of each other again, and that one time a week may turn to two, three, four, or seven times—you never know 😉
Practicing all of these things will create good, healthy habits for your relationship and also prevent it from becoming stale again in the future. All relationships are learning experiences—my boyfriend and I have been together for almost seven years and we’re still learning more ways to incorporate healthy habits into our romance from what we’ve learned over the years. Every relationship has their ups and downs. About a year after my boyfriend and I started dating, I found our relationship had suddenly become stale. It wasn’t anything I ever saw coming, either; I kind of just woke up one day and realized where we were. Instead of letting it go, I had a really good, honest, and open conversation with my man and he equally reciprocated all of my sentiments. None of this was a big deal or detrimental to our relationship, but had I not spoken up, I don’t know what would’ve happened. There’s a good chance we would’ve eventually found ourselves in an unknown place, unaware of how we’d gotten there, and unable to find our way back again.
Yes, relationships take work, and no one should ever feel like they need anyone by their side, but having someone to share your life with is a feeling unmatched. It’s truly special, which is why so many people do it or are constantly searching for “the one.” Don’t allow real feelings and this type of love to be taken for granted, make the change and put in the effort before it’s too late.
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