Some people will tell you that opposites attract, while others will say that compatability is key when it comes to relationships. Regardless of what you believe, relationships should be 50/50–they should be about equal power shared between two people, especially in 2020. (Really, there’s no excuse to not treat your partner as an equal.) And yet we sometimes find ourselves or those we care about in situations where there is, undoubtedly, a power imbalance in the relationship. How does it happen, where does it all go wrong, and, most importantly, how do we fix it?
Below I’ve broken down the signs of power imbalances in relationships, and what you can do to restore equal power.
Signs of power imbalance:
- One person’s always demanding, and the other one is always giving in. Demanding things out of anyone isn’t really a good trait to have; quite frankly, it’s rude, and leaves a lot to be desired. However, when it comes to relationships, if one person is always demanding things of their partner and their partner is constantly acquiescing and giving in to said demands, there is most definitely a power imbalance happening. The person who’s giving in consistently may feel as though that’s the best solution—maybe they feel as though that will help avoid a massive fight, perhaps they think it’s easier thing to just go along with it, etc.—but it’s only enabling that unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.
- Lack of communication between both parties. When one person in the relationship is the main communicator, and the other is, in turn, always the listener, it creates a toxic pattern in the relationship and leads to a power imbalance. If a relationship is truly 50/50, both parties should be willing to hear the other one out without getting defensive or putting them down. The one who doesn’t communicate might not feel comfortable speaking up for themselves, either, thanks to the dynamic that’s been set in the relationship. Relationships aren’t about biting your tongue and swallowing how you feel.
- Someone’s needs aren’t being met. Everyone is going to require different things in relationships, but when someone’s always satisfied because their needs are being met, while the opposite is true for the other, that’s another sign of imbalance. Relationships are all about give and take—both parties should be able and willing to compromise, and should also want to make sure their S.O feels happy and taken care of.
- There’s only one person who ever apologizes. If you start to apologize for every little thing you do, you’re going to eventually believe that every minor transgression is a major screw-up and deserves an apology. You’re subconsciously going to negatively impact your mind and self-esteem; you won’t feel good about yourself. In relationships, both partners are going to make mistakes from time-to-time, and both partners should apologize when they mess up. Setting a tone where only one person ever does, though, is another major power-play.
- One person makes decisions without the other. When it comes to serious relationships, out of respect for your partner, decisions (especially big ones) should be made together, as a team. When one person continually makes decisions on their own accord, they’re showing that they don’t care about their partners feelings, and their partners feelings and thoughts don’t factor into the equation. This is, again, another sign of power imbalance.
What to do:
Before I get into how to restore equal power in relationships, it’s important to note that sometimes the behavior mentioned above can happen in people who are younger (late teens-early 20’s), or those who are newer to relationships. We (hopefully) learn and grow more with every year, and it’s not uncommon to make mistakes akin to those listed above when someone’s younger and/or is new to the relationship game. It’s when that sort of behavior is continually repeated in those who are older, and who (should) know better, that it becomes a problem; thus creating a toxic relationship.
Maybe the signs mentioned above resonate with you because you feel like you’re the silent one, the acquiescing one in the relationship; perhaps they resonate with you because you’re the dominant one, the one who likes to assert your force and wield your power over others—either way, there are ways to fix this behavior, and normalize equality in your relationship. Let’s start with how to restore power when you’re the one always giving in.
What to do when you’re the one giving in:
It can be hard to change your behavior and way of thinking when you’re so accustomed to it, so the first thing you’re going to want to do is familiarize youself with who you are as a person. What are you wants and needs? What do you expect out of a partner? What are you willing to give, what are you willing to compromise for? These are the kinds of questions you’re going to want to ask yourself. Normalize yourself with them—don’t shy away from them—and own your answers. Learning these things will help you better communicate and articulate when the time comes. Getting comfortable with them will give you the courage to speak up. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want, and there’s nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.
Another thing you’re going to want to denormalize is apologizing for everything. There’s a time and place where an apology is good and necessary, but in the instances where it’s not, it shouldn’t be said. Get comfortable with not apologizing, and also saying no. You don’t have to go along with every little thing in a relationship, and if you feel like you do, your relationship isn’t all that healthy. It’s OK to disagree with your partner, it’s how you handle those disagreements that matters. Don’t go along with something just because it’s easier; go along with something because it’s what you believe in and makes you happy—which, in turn, will make your partner happy. Saying no or disagreeing with your partner shouldn’t cause a fight; both of you should be able to talk it out calmly and figure something out together.
It’s also important that you learn how to not hold things in. If you’re going along with things and keeping your mouth shut time and time again, you’re basically a volcanic explosion waiting to happen. You can only hold things in for so long until you explode, that’s true for everyone. Holding things in isn’t going to benefit you or anyone else. Speak up for yourself during conversations; that’s the best time to do it because your thoughts are relevant to the discussion. All of this can be done in a respectful way, of course, and a partner who wants to be with you should be willing to hear you out. Setting the tone now is important for your relationship. You don’t want to turn around in 20 years and find that you can’t communicate with your S.O.
What to do when you’re the one wielding power:
They say that confidence is silent and insecurities are loud. This saying is true and can be applied to those who feel the needs to assert their “power” or “dominance” over others. When someone’s a truly powerful person, they don’t have to make it known, and they don’t feel the need to make it known—they let their actions speak for themselves. If you’re the “dominant” one in the relationship, it’s time you take a good, long look inside yourself. Why are you like this? Are you insecure, unhappy, or scarred? This sort of behavior usually comes from somewhere deep—and you may not even be aware of it, or know why you’re acting this way. The body and mind are crazy things; they’re capable of so much more than we even realize.
Ask yourself this: why don’t you want a partner who’s your equal? This sort of “alpha” behavior is almost always a reflection on you, and the torment you feel inside.
Look at it from your partner’s perspective. If you were in their position, would you take kindly to being treated the way you treat them? Probably not. It’s unfair of you to act a certain way and expect someone else to take it, when in reality you’d never be able to take it yourself. When it comes down to it, you should treat and talk to your partner with respect; you should be willing and able to show them how much you value them and don’t take them for granted. Be willing to open up the dialogue between the two of you, and learn how to say sorry. The world is not going to implode if you apologize, it won’t make you any less of a person. This is the stuff that should be done if you’re serious about your relationship long-term.
All in all, it’s safe to say that increasing your self-awareness will enlighten you to the reasons behind your actions. Everyone has the power inside of them to do what makes them happy. Being honest with yourself from both POV’s is equally important if you want to live a happy life and have a healthy relationship.
