No one enjoys feeling jealous, yet it’s something we’ve all probably experienced at some point in our lives. At the beginning of a romantic relationship, a little bit of jealousy may seem cute and caring—healthy and normal, even—but after awhile, it usually becomes exhausting. It’s something that wears its welcome out rather quickly.
Jealousy is very draining on relationships, and unhealthy for both parties long-term. Jealousy is the kind of feeling that has the ability to overpower someone, control their every move, and cause them to act irrationally. I’m sure most people can attest to their fact that during their jealous moments they had no idea why they were acting that way. The little green-eyed monster is vicious.
Most of the time, the root of someone’s jealousy is unknown, hidden somewhere in their subconscious, buried in the scars of their past. It’s no secret that jealousy typically comes from insecurities. Somewhere deep inside, a jealous person feels flawed in some way. It’s a deep-rooted beast that can destroy people as individuals and relationships as a whole. A jealous person has a negative self-image and low self-esteem. All of this typically stems from something that was formed during childhood, or even past relationships. Typically, the mind of a jealous person works like this: they believe that they’re not good enough and are terrified that the person they’re with is finally going to see it too and confirm their worst fears, so they’re always on the lookout for any slip-ups or mishaps and constantly trying to control their S.O in an effort to keep them in the dark about who they believe they truly are. Deep down, they don’t believe they’re a person worthy of loving and being loved.
Living with your own jealousy and dating a jealous partner takes a toll on everyone mentally. If you’re a jealous person, the good news is that it can be overcome—jealousy doesn’t have to be something that has power over you and dooms you from ever finding happiness for the rest of your life. On the flip side, dating a jealous partner is also something that can be dealt with if they want to and are willing to make the effort; it’s teamwork that can be done together and even help strengthen the relationship and allow you to get to know each other more. Below I’m going to break down how to deal with your own jealousy to stop jealous habits, and how to deal with your partner’s.
How to deal with your own jealousy:
The worst part about living with jealousy is that you end up placing yourself in a cycle that’s destined to repeat itself over and over again. Your jealousy will inadvertently cause the very things you’re fearful of—separation, distance, heartbreak, unhappiness, etc. Left undealt with, and you’ll eventually push your partner away completely. It won’t matter who you’re dating because at the end of the day it will come down to you. However, with the right steps, it can be overcome. Here’s how.
- Try to get to the root of your insecurities. We all carry things from our childhood and past relationships with lovers, friends, and family members into our adult lives. That being said, getting to the root of why you feel inadequate in some way is essential to overcoming jealousy. Ask yourself why you think you’re acting this way; think about where it all could possibly stem from. Doing this along with self-love and mindfulness practices such as meditation, journaling, and reading self-help books will help guide you to the right answers. Once you figure out what insecurities your jealousy is stemming from, you can begin to look at things in a different light, and work on reclaiming your power on yourself through self-love.
- Talk about your jealousy and normalize it. Sometimes admitting you have a problem helps you overcome it, and giving voice to something more often than not removes it power. Simply saying to your partner: “I’m jealous, and I have no idea why,” is all you need. Normalize what you’re feeling by talking about it—after all, it’s a perfectly normal human feeling. Be open and vulnerable with your partner, talk to them about where you think this jealousy might stem from.
- Realize you’re not the sum of your past experiences. By allowing jealousy to control you and never dealing with it, you’re inadvertently becoming a prisoner to that emotion. The past doesn’t have to define you, and you shouldn’t let it. The past is simply that—the past. It’s all a learning experience. You do not have to be the sum of your scars; you don’t have to let your trauma overpower you. Like anything that goes undealt with, we all become prisoner to it. Let the scars go and begin working on yourself and healing.
- Commit to trusting them. If you’re serious about your relationship and overcoming your jealousy, you’re going to want to commit to trusting them for both your own sake and theirs. Committing to trusting them is an act of vulnerability, courage, and strength.
How to deal with a jealous partner:
Jealous partners can be very toxic. I know this all too well because because I was in an extremely unhealthy, toxic, and abusive relationship with someone years ago, and in that time, my sense of self was completely ruined. My jealous partner had unloaded all of their toxicity onto me, and I was left feeling inadequate and undeserving of love. I then took those feelings and beliefs into my following relationship. However, true love conquers all, and if you truly love your partner, envision a future with them, and they want to overcome their jealousy, it is something you can do together. Funnily enough, you both may be better for it in the long run, as working together may lead you both to discovering new things about yourselves and each other. Here’s how to deal with a jealous partner.
- Talk to them and be supportive. Show vulnerability and honesty by letting your partner know that you’re there for them through talking and being supportive. When they have moments of self-doubt, rather than brushing it off and dismissing their notions as crazy, ask them why they think they’re feeling that way. Then, gently, let them know that their notions are unfounded and they have nothing to worry about. Remind them that you love them for who they are and you don’t see any flaws in them. Show affection to them in times of their vulnerability.
- Be receptive and understanding. Don’t get defensive about their behavior and/or accusations, you’ll only be giving into and fueling their jealousy. Instead, try to be conscious of the torment they’re feeling inside and be understanding. Be receptive to what they have to say by giving them the opportunity to speak freely. Don’t dismiss them or go off on them for feeling a certain way.
- Be honest about your feelings. It’s only fair that you’re honest about what you’re feeling too. Explain to your partner how their behavior or accusations makes you feel and why. You’re an equally important player in the relationship.
- Set boundaries with them. Allowing your S.O to snoop through every inch of your entire life will only enable and prolong the process of overcoming jealousy. Set boundaries with your partner and do what you feel comfortable with. Make sure to communicate your feelings with your S.O so you’re both on the same page of where you feel comfortable.
- Let them go. There may come a time where you realize that you have been fighting for too long and there’s nothing else you can do. You may realize that your S.O’s jealousy and insecurities have only been weighing you down and making you feel worse about yourself and your life, and that they’re not changing either because they’re not ready or trying. This is when you need to let them go to protect yourself. It may be hard, but keeping your sense of self intact will be the best thing for you in the end.
