My Biggest Piece of Dating And Relationship Advice

I’ve been asked a lot what my biggest piece of dating and relationship advice is. I could give the cliché answers: that you need to fall in love with yourself first, that you need to be open and vulnerable, that it takes teamwork in order to make things work, and so on and so forth. Although all of those are true and are good guidelines to follow, none of them would be my answer.

My biggest piece of dating and relationship advice? Know exactly who you are.

Perhaps the most important thing about this is that knowing exactly who you are as a person stops you from being defined by your current or potential relationship. When you’re figuring out who you are and what you want out of life (especially when you’re younger) it’s easy to get caught up in identifying who you are as an individual with your relationship. Your sense of self becomes entangled in that relationship—essentially, you don’t know who you are without it; your relationship is part of what makes you who you are.

But relationships aren’t what make us who we are, rather, they’re an extension of us and who we are. I’m still the same Arianna with or without my relationship; who I am inside doesn’t change whether or not I’m with my boyfriend. I learned this firsthand after I lost everything in my car accident; the things I’d identified with were no more, and I was left wondering who I was without all of the things that I believed made me me. I had to learn that regardless of whether or not I had those things in my life—like my relationship and wrestling—I was still the same person underneath. All of those things were simply extra, and extension of who I was, but they weren’t me. When you know who you are, you also tend to be more confident, which can translate to good things in your love life. You’ll be more trusting, open, and vulnerable because you’ll know that should things not work out, it won’t end you. You’ll know that you will survive whatever happens, and that you’re still the same with or without that person in your life. Additionally, your insecurities are less likely to get the best of you when it comes to your relationship. Everything about the relationship will be genuine, honest, and open.

Knowing who you are also helps give you the relationship you want because you’ll know exactly what you’re looking for. This may seem like it would only make someone more picky, but in fact, it’s quite the opposite. Someone who knows who they are is going to be more confident, less controlling, more easygoing, and laid-back. In short: they won’t nitpick every little thing. This will make both dating and relationships go smoother. Knowing exactly who you are also gives you a mental clarity like no other. You’re less likely to go into a new relationship or situations in your current relationship with blinders on. Instead, you’re more likely to see things more clearly and accurately. You’ll also feel more grounded and make better decisions for yourself.

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It can be hard to know exactly who you are and what you’re looking for, especially when you’re younger. With time, age, and simple life lessons, though, we can all discover more about ourselves and what we want out of life. If you’re unsure of exactly who you and what you’re looking for, try thinking back to previous relationships and dating experiences and what you might’ve learned from them; think about what they were trying to teach you and what you learned about love and yourself from it. Doing some soul searching through things such as therapy, mindfulness practices like meditation, journaling, and deep breathing, and reading self-help books will also help give you insight into yourself. I personally learn more about myself everyday through mindfulness practices, and learning about who I am has helped me in every area of my life; it’s helped improve my self-confidence, how I deal under pressure and manage stress, and my relationship has flourished.