Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of a Toxic Relationship?

It’s easy for everyone to say that they’d never let themselves get caught up in a toxic relationship. That is, until they suddenly find themselves in one. And time and time again, it seems as though everyone who’s ever been in or is currently in a toxic relationship inevitably repeats the same cyclical pattern over and over again: they can’t let go, and keep going back for more. It’s a sad reality, every story involving an unhealthy relationship is almost always the same.

But why is it so difficult to let go of a toxic relationship? I’ve broken it down below, and also what you can do to get yourself out of one.

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Why it’s so hard to let go of a toxic relationship:

• You believe that’s what you deserve. A toxic person will manipulate you into feeling like this is what you deserve. They’ll have you thinking that no one else will ever put up with you, and this is the best you’re ever going to get.
• You’re addicted to the idea of fixing yourself. This goes hand-in-hand with the bullet point above. It’s easy to become addicted to the idea of fixing yourself and finally getting recognized for it (or something that shows a sliver of what you’re worth) because you’re convinced there’s something wrong with you. You believe that once you finally get it right, your partner will want you, and everything else in the relationship will fall into place, and it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out.
• You think you’ve gotten a handle on the game now. Games are easy to play when you know the rules and how to play. Toxic relationships are full of patterns, and after you’ve gotten used to and become accustomed to them, you’re likely to find yourself thinking that you know how to play this sick, twisted game. When you start thinking like this, it’s easy to get sucked back in to the relationship over and over again because you’ll be convinced that you know what you’re doing and how to handle it.
• You’re holding on to the good times and holding out hope. In all relationships—even toxic ones—there are good times and bad. When you’re caught up in a toxic relationship it’s easy to let those good moments overshadow all of the other ones. These good moments can lead you to holding out hope for the partner and relationship; and lead you to believing that if you can finally get it right, those good moments will come back permanently.
• You don’t want to believe you’ve wasted your time for nothing. Fear of failure and wasted time are huge when it comes to staying in a toxic relationship. It can be scary to think that you’ve been fighting for so long, and to no avail. You couldn’t change them, and you weren’t worthy of their change—they didn’t want to change and fix themselves for you and the relationship. This oftentimes leads to people staying in a toxic relationship because they’re almost subconsciously trying to prove to themselves that they’re worth fighting for.

What to do:

The first thing you need to do is recognize that this is a game you’ll never win, and it’s a game that’s never going to end. A toxic person won’t change—they’re probably not even capable of changing. Staying in a toxic relationship will only result in the same pattern(s) repeating over and over again. Nothing will change. That can be hard to come to terms with, but realizing this is the first step to letting go of a toxic relationship, once and for all.

It’s also important that you accept the relationship for what it is: a sick, twisted, and unhealthy addiction. Toxic relationships aren’t based on love—love doesn’t manipulate, destroy, or make you feel weak. Acceptance of what the relationship really is will make it easier to let go of it. When you’re able to accept and admit that to yourself, the rest will follow.

Take a step back, and try to unbiasedly examine the relationship for what it is. If you’re able to look at it unbiasedly, you’ll suddenly see all the horrors that have been happening right in front of your eyes, and that you’ve kept running back to.

Cutting ties with a toxic person is key in letting go of a toxic relationship. When a toxic person is able to contact you, it’ll be easy to fall back into the trap again. They’ll probably plead and tell you that they’ve realized they messed up, that they regret what happened and what they did, and that they want you back, that they’ve realized now what they really had. And you’ll easily slip back into the role you were playing before because you’ve subconsciously created a pattern in your mind that this is what happens: they apologize, you forgive them, you take them back, you move on; repeat. Your willpower and strength won’t matter during this, once an abuser has created and filled a specific role in your life, you won’t be able to deter them. Cut ties with them. Cease all forms of communication, and block them on all social medias. They’ll try to find a way to contact you, which is why it’s important that you make it nearly impossible.

Seeking professional help can also be beneficial when you’re trying to let go of a toxic relationship. Someone who’s trained to help people in your situation will know how to handle it. An unbiased outsider will also be able to help you recognize things for what they really are, thus making it easier to finally let go of the toxic relationship for good.

The truth is that staying in a toxic relationship will be a continual blow to who you are, your self-value, and your self esteem. It’ll do more damage than good. No amount of trying to “play the game” will get you the results that you want, and the other person will never end it. It’s up to you. You need to let go, and finally give yourself the love that you deserve.