There is no rule book for how to handle life, so when life happens and throws everything in your world out of whack, it’s easy to let things that were once important to and on the forefront of your mind before slip into the back burner. And once they’re on the back burner, it can be even easier to forget about them altogether. What was once prioritized at the top of your list is no more. But this can be dangerous—especially when it comes to relationships.
There’s no denying that sometimes it can be hard to balance life. It can be hard juggling work, the stress of bills and a mortgage payment, finding downtime for yourself, parenting, etc., on top of a relationship/marriage. When life hits and things become chaotic, it can be easy to allow certain comfort zones–such as your relationship–slip into the background.
Every relationship takes work. It takes two people to meet halfway and make said relationship work. And while there are certain needs that should be handled individually—such as your happiness and self-worth—there are undoubtedly needs that a partner should be meeting as well. A partner should make you feel supported, like you’re not alone; a partner should be there to pick you up when you’re down, and so on and so forth. But when needs such as the ones I just mentioned aren’t met repeatedly, that’s when you enter dangerous territory: neglect.
Most people don’t start off a relationship with the intention of neglecting it. In fact, they usually don’t intentionally neglect it when things get crazy, either. Most people don’t sit there and think to themselves, “oh, this will be fine. I’ll just forget about my relationship and partner for a little while!” But the fact of that matter is that the longer a relationship is neglected, the harder it becomes to break that pattern of neglect, and the easier it becomes to continue on this way.
So, are you neglecting your relationship? Below I’ve broken down all the signs that point to yes, and what you can do to fix it and get your relationship to a good place once again.
Signs you’re neglecting your relationship:
- You’ve prioritized almost everything above your S.O. If you’re always working late and leaving your partner alone, going out with your friends instead of spending time with them every chance you get, and even choose double dates over one-on-one time with them, there’s a good chance they’re going to feel neglected. Behavior like this shows that you don’t value that time for just the two of you, or any time at all, for that matter. Working late from time to time or even for a short stretch of time is perfectly fine—your partner should be OK with you doing that and want you to succeed—but after awhile, it shows that you care more about work than your relationship. It should be an equal balance. You can still devote a ton of your energy into your work or make time to go out with your friends, but your partner shouldn’t feel like a decoy. They should feel important to you in your life.
- Your partner’s always picking up the slack. If your partner’s always alone and always the one to do the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc., they’re eventually going to feel more like a prop to you than an actual partner. They’re going to feel neglected and as though you don’t care about their own needs being met, and they’re going to feel taken advantage of.
- There’s no intimacy. Everyone has moments when they’re too tired for intimacy, or when life takes away all their energy for a little while—but this shouldn’t be the new normal. Lack of intimacy with your partner is going to set off a chain reaction of a bunch of negative emotions. Your partner will start to wonder if you still find them attractive, if you’re still in love with them. They’ll start questioning whether or not they’re good enough for you, their self-esteem will lower. When feelings like these enter a relationship, it can also lead to more drastic measures eventually—such as an emotional/physical affair. The longer you go without intimacy, the more “normal” it’ll become.
- Your partner’s begun making negative comments about their appearance. Going off of the point above, if your partner’s started making negative comments about their appearance, that’s a huge sign they’re feeling neglected. When people feel neglected/rejected, they oftentimes internalize that rejection and turn it onto themselves. They’ll start thinking and wondering what’s wrong with them, and they’ll feel as if this neglect is their own fault.
- Your S.O’s asked to spend more time with you. If your partner’s come right out and asked to spend more time with you, they’re probably feeling neglected in some way, shape, or form. This is, quite literally, a cry/plead/attempt for attention. They’re trying to spend more time with you before it’s too late, and the neglect goes any further.
- There’s barely/no communication between the two of you. Communication is key in all relationships, and when that communication suddenly becomes nonexistent, that’s a major red flag. This represents two people who merely share a home together and nothing more, rather than two people who share a life together.
- You’ve stopped asking if things are OK with them. Relationships shouldn’t be controlling whatsoever, but if you find that you simply tell your partner that you’ll be working late, or that you’re going out with your friends for a few drinks before you’ll be home, shows a serious disregard for their feelings. Of course you shouldn’t feel bogged down by your partner constantly, but you should still be considerate of your partner and their wants, needs, and feelings. Maybe they had a bad day and need you more than they normally would; you wouldn’t know, because you’ve decided to simply tell them what you’re doing and that’s it. This represents a total disregard for their feelings, which is only going to make them feel more neglected. A partner shouldn’t feel as if their emotions aren’t valid, or they’re so unimportant to you that you don’t bother asking about them anymore.
- Your S.O’s stopped talking to you. This is a big sign that you’ve been neglecting your relationship because it’s also a sign of isolation. When your partner stops talking to you about anything and everything, they most likely feel so alone and neglected by you that they don’t think it’s even worth it to bring up. They’d rather internalize everything or seek out another support system than bother you with their feelings.
- This has been going on for a long period of time. This is, perhaps, the biggest sign you’re neglecting your relationship. As I said in the beginning, life happens. There will be times when your relationship and/or certain things may fall into the background a little bit—but it should be brief. If this has been going on for quite some time, you’re no longer being bogged down by the chaos of life, you’re neglecting your relationship.
How to fix it:
The good news is that even if you did check off some or all of those bullet points listed above, not all is lost. You can get back to normal and set the relationship on a positive path again, if you’re willing and able. It’s a lot easier than you think. Here’s how to fix it:
- Set aside time for yourselves. This is probably the easiest step you can take first and foremost to get your relationship back on track. Make time for just the two of you—no friends or family members, no kids if you have them—this should be time for the two of you alone, no interruptions. Hire a babysitter if you have to, get out of the house so the two of you can be alone—it doesn’t matter, but this is the first step to getting your relationship back on track. During that alone time, you can take all the other steps needed to heal your relationship.
- Ask your S.O if a certain day works for them. When you’re setting aside time for yourselves, it’s important that you consider the other person’s schedule as well. You don’t know if they have any prior commitments such as seeing a friend, helping out a family member, or taking the kids to a sports game. Check with your partner ahead of time and make sure that you can both take the time on a specific day to be together. This shows that you’re mindful of the fact that they have their own life, and that you don’t expect them to drop everything on a whim just because you said so. This will make them feel really good because they’ll feel like you’re finally being considerate of them and their feelings.
- Acknowledge you’ve been neglecting them and apologize for it. Once you’re alone, you’re going to want to admit out loud that you’ve been neglecting them, and also apologize for it. Hearing you admit that out loud will make your S.O feel better, and more hopeful of fixing the relationship. This will also, most likely, lead them to being more open and understanding with you when you talk things through. The first step to fixing any problem in life is admitting that you have one.
- Ask your S.O what you can do to make the relationship better. Communication goes both ways in a relationship, which is why you should be willing to hear your partner out without getting defensive. Listen to what they think would make the relationship better, and be willing to discuss it. Together, the two of you will be able to come to an understanding and compromise.
- Make a plan going forward. Lastly, the two of you, together, should make a plan going forward. It may sound silly, but a plan will ensure that you don’t fall back into this place again if/when life hits and things become chaotic. It’ll help get both of you and your relationship through unexpected and/or challenging times, and will also be something you can come back to when things finally return to normal. Figure out what time/days you can set aside for the two of you and the two of you only. What can you both do daily to make sure the other one feels good and secure? For example, my boyfriend and I always go to bed together. This is something that makes us happy and keeps us close because we feel like we’re unwinding and ending the day together, and also getting ready for whatever the next day brings. We also have a date night once a week to ensure that we have time to ourselves. During our date night, we stay off our phones and shut off the outside world. Our date nights are for us and no one else. You don’t have to go crazy. You can do little things to ensure you don’t neglect your relationship. Once you have a plan in motion, your relationship will flourish, and you’ll find that your relationship will be better equipped to withstand whatever life throws at you.
