If you bring up the topic infidelity around a random group of people, chances are you’ll get mixed reactions. While some may meet the topic of unfaithfulness with outrage, others may be more sympathetic to the plight. After all, things in life are rarely black and white, and infidelity doesn’t always end relationships. Which begs the question: Is overcoming cheating in a relationship actually possible?
Make no mistake: Cheating is a big deal. It’s not something you can heal from overnight. But every situation is unique, and it seems that walking away is easier said than done. So, I did some digging to answer the question: Is overcoming cheating in a relationship actually possible?
Is overcoming cheating possible?
TL;DR: Yes. “Despite the ambiguous statistics, it seems reasonable to speculate that more couples are staying together after infidelity than not.” Joseph Cilona, Psy.D, a Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist, tells SELF. However, this doesn’t mean that overcoming cheating is easy. Licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Skylight Counseling Center in Chicago, David Klow, also tells SELF that the road to recovery after infidelity is long, namely because it takes a lot of work to repair broken trust.
But while the healing process can be lengthy and challenging, it can also be a catalyst for growth and maturity within the relationship and each partner; couples who are able to recover often emerge stronger on the other side. So, it seems safe to say that overcoming infidelity is possible, so long as both partners are willing to put in the effort. This means jointly and individually working through the pain, emotions, and so forth, ideally with the help of a licensed professional.
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How to overcome cheating in a relationship
Healing from infidelity might not be easy, but it is doable if both partners are committed to rebuilding the relationship and their trust. While every relationship is different, here are a few universal steps you can take to overcome cheating in a relationship:
Make a decision and stick to it
It’s natural to wrestle with the idea of how to handle cheating and question whether you should stay or walk away. While you likely won’t come to that decision overnight, it’s important to stick to that decision once you’ve made it. Living in limbo is only going to hurt both of you in the end, and going back and forth on where you stand will only do more harm than good. So, if you choose to work things out, it’s important to hold yourself to it. Once you do that, you can begin moving forward.
Communicate with total honesty
Regardless of whether you’re the cheater or the one who’s been cheated on, you need to talk about what happened. The betrayed party deserves to have their questions answered with complete and total honesty. This is so important in the initial aftermath, and meeting these conversations with honesty, compassion and grace is key.
Additionally, the unfaithful partner also needs to take accountability for their actions; they shouldn’t brush their partner off or make excuses and point blame elsewhere. Not only does this show remorse and maturity—which is a good thing—but it will aid in rebuilding what’s been broken.
Admit what led to the cheating
In addition to communicating with total honesty, there needs to be an honest discussion about what led to the transgression. “People can make poor choices at times,” marriage and family therapist Amanda D. Mahoney tells NBC News, adding, “The question then becomes: does that poor choice and/or symptom(s) now have to dictate the future of a relationship? The answer largely depends on the motivating factors behind the affair.”
So, examine what may have led to the cheating in the first place. Was there a breakdown in the relationship? Were you operating as co-managers of a household instead of lovers? Answering these types of questions won’t be easy, but doing so will give you invaluable insight.
And to be clear, this doesn’t excuse the cheater for their betrayal. They still need to take full responsibility for what happened. But gaining clarity on the circumstances prior to the indiscretion will help you understand what worked and what didn’t work, which will let you you rebuild your relationship so it’s stronger than before.
Forgive them
We’ve all heard that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, and that sentiment applies here. While the wronged partner absolutely has the right to be angry, they need to forgive their partner if they’re serious about making things work. Of course, that’s not to say they won’t experience feelings of anger—because they most certainly will. But consciously forgiving their partner is the only way to move forward. Ultimately, there will be no healing if there’s no forgiveness—regardless of whether you stay together.
Isolate when you discuss the cheating
It’s natural to ruminate on the situation and your feelings about it, especially when you’re hurt. But doing so will only work against you and stop you from moving on. Once the smoke has cleared and you’ve decided to make things work, isolate the times you talk about the infidelity. This will prevent you from reliving it 24/7 and intensifying the hurt and anger that’s already there.
Instead, set aside time to talk about the cheating; this can be a set time during the day, meeting with a therapist, etc. Then once that time is up, set it aside and let it go. Doing this will allow you to work through your feelings in a productive and healthy way without letting them consume you. Likewise, it’ll also give you and your partner a real shot at healing.
Actually make the effort to change and rebuild trust
If you’re both serious about making things work, you can’t just walk the walk—you have to talk the talk, too. Take the time to discuss what you both need from the other one and how you can make things work. This may mean spending more one-on-one time together, scheduling time to be intimate, and so on. For some, this may also mean giving each other unfettered access to their phone, email and social media.
Whatever the case may be, both parties must actively work on repairing the relationship and broken trust. This will not only show each other that you’re committed to making this work but also make it easier to truly move on.
Be patient
As nice as it would be, overcoming cheating takes time. This is why it’s so important to be patient. Healing from a betrayal of this magnitude is not something you can get over quickly. Give yourselves grace, meet the hard moments with compassion, and trust that things will improve. It won’t be easy, but if your relationship’s worth fighting for, it will be worth it.
Seek professional help
At the end of the day, seeking help from a professional is always a good idea. This can be through couples counseling, individual therapy, both, and so on. Not only will they provide you with the necessary tools to overcome the infidelity, but you might heal quicker. Plus, they’ll be able to help you work through what you’re feeling, communicate better, and more. It’ll also give you great insight into who you really are and what you need and want out of a relationship, partner, and life.
