Recently, someone I’m close to came to me for advice. They said that they thought their S.O was either annoyed, mad, or upset with them for something, but they couldn’t tell because their S.O wouldn’t actually tell them. Instead, they hit them with the: “I’m fine, just a little tired. We’re all good, though.” Annoying, right? We’ve all heard it before. I told this person that I couldn’t really help them because I had no idea what was going on in their S.O’s head.
This got me thinking about how often this happens between couples, despite the fact that we all know that it really is truly annoying and frustrating. It got me thinking about how common it is for people not to speak up and say what’s on their mind—something I can’t even begin to fathom because I am the exact opposite. I’ve never been afraid to say what’s on my mind, nor have I ever feared the consequences of doing so. I can’t imagine keeping things to myself 24/7.
As I was pondering about what it would be like to stay silent all the time, my mind started drifting to a place where I found myself wondering where that really comes from, and the dire consequences it has on relationships longterm. The more I thought about it, the more I recognized it in relationships all around me—in relationships that are brand new, and marriages of 20+ years. It happens in all kinds of relationships—romantic ones, friendships, relatives, etc. (This article is specifically referring to a romantic relationship, but is still true for all kinds of relationships.)
While I was thinking about all of this, I realized that when someone is afraid to speak up in the beginning of a relationship, the longer they stay with that person, the worse that pattern will get, until it’s become the norm.
Why it’s important to speak up:
Never speaking up for yourself creates a pattern in which you will always keep things to yourself. Your partner will never know what’s truly going on in your mind, or how you’re feeling underneath the surface. After a long time, this is only going to cause hurt, anger, and resentment.
The classic example is this: a man and woman meet in fall in love and get married. The woman believes that she has found her soulmate, and she’s determined to do everything in her power to make her husband happy. This means keeping the peace. Everything is going fine—great, even—and then children come along. The woman continues to do what she’s always done, and now, more than ever, keeping the peace is of utmost importance since there are children around. As time goes by, whenever her husband asks her where she wants to go out to dinner, what she wants to do over the weekend, what movie she wants to watch, etc., she’ll respond with something along the lines of, “it doesn’t matter to me! You pick!” So the man listens to his wife and makes all the decisions.
Then 25 years have passed, and all of a sudden the woman turns around and is lashing out like crazy, and maybe even believes that her and her husband aren’t meant to be after all. When she tells her husband this, he will be confused. When she tells him that she feels like she never had a choice in anything and her opinion never mattered, he will be even more confused because she never spoke up all those times when he asked for her opinion. The woman will brush this off and be even more hurt because after all, a soulmate is supposed to know what all your wants and needs are, right? She’ll be convinced that if her spouse truly loved and cared about her the way that she does him, he would’ve seen her, and given her more say.
In the beginning of the relationship, when the woman was worried about making her S.O upset and believed she was doing the right thing by not speaking up and avoiding any argument she could at all costs, she inadvertently set the tone for the relationship. By not speaking up for herself or saying what was on her mind, she created this pattern in the relationship. Her partner took everything she said at face-value because he never knew otherwise. He never had a reason to believe that there was something bothering her underneath the surface. She didn’t want to be a burden, so she kept her mouth shut. After years and years of build up, all of her unspoken words and feelings turned into resentment, and came out in explosive, uncontrolled ways. She’s created a narrative in her head in which her spouse never cared about her and never gave her a say in anything, and she now resents him for that.
This is a very basic example of what happens when one partner doesn’t speak up in their relationship longterm. Maybe it seems dramatic or unrealistic, but I can guarantee that if you took a moment to look at the relationships around you, you’d see similar—if not the same—examples.
So, yes, when someone stays quiet and doesn’t speak up for themselves in their relationship in an effort to keep the peace, they’re actually doing more damage than good. But where does this sort of behavior all stem from?
Where it all stems from:
A lot of this behavior stems from fear. Humans are all, on some level, afraid of some sort of rejection. It usually occurs when someone is afraid of being rejected by someone they care about, fear of disapproval, and also fear of being the cause of their S.O’s stress and/or hurting their feelings. They don’t want to be a burden or make their partner upset, so they internalize everything.
This can also happen when someone’s a people-pleaser, which also goes hand-in-hand with fear of rejection or being disliked. Someone who’s a people-pleaser will go out of their way to hide their own beliefs, thoughts, and feelings out of fear that someone won’t like them or they won’t fit in. By staying quiet and keeping your thoughts to yourself, you’re trying to ensure someone else’s approval. You want to be seen as easy-going, chill, confident, and laid-back, so you don’t speak up, ever.
The truth is, the less and less you speak up for yourself, the less and less confident you’ll be in who you are and what you stand for. When you’re used to staying quiet and keeping all your thoughts and feelings to yourself, it can be easy to begin to question all of them. This will only be toxic for you and your mental health in the long run.
How to fix it:
Now that we’ve established how detrimental not speaking up for yourself can be in a relationship and also where that behavior typically stems from, let’s talk about all the ways you can go about fixing it.
If you want to have an honest and truthful relationship, you’re going to have to face your fears and work on overcoming them. You’ll need to reevaluate what “keeping the peace” really means to you, and what you want it to mean (e.g: not staying silent when your S.O asks for your opinion). If you’re serious about fixing things, it won’t mean engaging in this type of behavior any longer. Admittedly, your partner may have a hard time with this adjustment in the beginning, as it’ll be a relationship dynamic between the two of you that they’re unaccustomed to. However, if like you they’re also serious about the relationship and are willing to try and make it work, they’ll be supportive of and helpful in you finding your voice again.
If you’re struggling with finding your voice and speaking up for yourself, a good thing to remember is that when you do so, you’re not coming from a place with bad intentions. By speaking your mind you’re not actively trying to hurt or upset the other person—you’re simply just speaking your truth, and you’re entitled to that. Thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings. Speak from a place of love rather than anger or resentment. Think before you speak, and don’t criticize or put your S.O down. Also, make sure you take the time to listen to their response without interrupting, which will help open up the dialogue between the two of you even more. Speaking your mind doesn’t have to spark an argument; instead, speaking your mind means allowing the two of you to have an open, honest discussion, where the two of you can come to an agreement like mature adults. For example: if your partner picks out a new paint color that you don’t like, rather than asking them if they’re insane for thinking that that color would match the flooring and you hate it, politely tell them that you’re not the biggest fan of the color and that you don’t think it’ll pair well with the flooring, and ask them if the two of you can look at and pick out a different paint color together. You’re not asking too much of your partner, and you’re not doing anything wrong. 9 times out of 10, your partner will willingly agree to that plan, and also be willing to compromise—but you wouldn’t of known that had you never spoken up. Instead, you would’ve been stuck with a paint color you dislike that doesn’t match the flooring. You can still be honest without being mean.
It’s also important to keep in mind that you’re never going to please everyone—no one in the world is, and yet people still tend to gravitate toward those who are genuinely themselves, even if they don’t necessarily agree with everything they say and stand for. Don’t change who you are, your thoughts and feelings, in order to make someone else happy—all you’re doing is hurting yourself. Regardless of whether you speak up for yourself or not, someone will still find something to be unhappy about. Don’t hurt or lose yourself in the process of trying to please others.
These are things to remember and work on when learning how to speak up for yourself. If you’re having trouble speaking up for yourself in your relationship (or just in general), seeking help from a professional is always a good idea. They’ll be able to give you the tools you need to move forward.
At the end of the day, never speaking up for yourself is only going to do more harm than good. It’s going to be incredibly unproductive for both you as an individual, and in your relationships. Learning to speak up for yourself when you need to will make your life that much better. You’ll be happier and more at ease with yourself, and no one will ever question where you stand because it’ll be right there, out in the open. You’ll feel free at last.
