When it comes to discussing sex, there’s a lot of terms thrown around and used interchangeably. Case in point? The words kink and fetish. Sure, you’ve seen or read 50 Shades of Grey, or you’ve blasted Selena Gomez’s “Fetish” while you’re driving. And yet you’re still probably wondering just WTF the difference actually is between kinks and fetishes.
When it comes down to it, knowing what turns you on and not being afraid to ask for it is part of a healthy sex life—and learning the differences between kinks and fetishes can help you achieve just that.
So, if you’re curious to know what it means to have a kink or fetish and how to tap into them, you’ve come to the right place. Keep scrolling to learn WTF the difference is between kinks and fetishes, and how to tap into yours in 4 steps.
Sex 101: Kinks and Fetishes
What exactly is a kink?
A kink is something sexual someone likes to do with themselves or consensually with others that’s deemed outside the “norm” of conventional sex. This includes things such as penetration, hand or finger play, or oral sex. Zachary Zane—sex expert for sexual health and wellness brand Promescent—tells Yahoo that things like role-playing, BDSM, choking, and even anal sex can all be kinks.
“A kink usually brings extra erotic energy to a sexual encounter,” sex therapist Rosara Torrisi tells PureWow. That said, it’s important to note that what’s considered “normal” or “kinky” will vary from person to person. For example: Someone who’s never used a sex toy in their life may find them kinky compared to someone who uses them on a regular basis.
What exactly is a fetish?
A fetish can be a sexual act—like having sex in public—or an object, like feet, lingerie, or balloons. Although fetishes are similar to kinks, a fetish is something that needs to be present in order for arousal to happen. However, some people may be able to get turned on simply thinking about their fetish. On the other hand, others may need it to be physically present in some way.
So, WTF is the difference between the two?
The biggest difference between the two is that a fetish has to be present in order for arousal to happen. A kink, however, does not; in essence, they simply bring an extra layer of sensuality to the act. A fetish is a sexual need, and a kink is a sexual preference.
For example: If you like using handcuffs or being tied up every once in a while, that’s a kink. But if you need to have your hands bound in some way for sexual stimulation, that’s a fetish.
How to figure out if you have a kink or fetish:
Think about the things that turn you on during sex with yourself and someone else. Do they always have to be present, or can you still get stimulated sexually if they’re not there? Sometimes kinks and fetishes are extremely obvious—if you’ve always found feet sexually arousing, there’s a good chance you have a foot fetish.
However, in cases where you might be questioning whether or not you have one, there are some things you can do. Remember: Anything and anyone can be kinky; you just need to be open to some erotic adventure. So, keep an open mind and let yourself explore!
How to tap into your kinks or fetishes:
1. Take a kink quiz
One of the easiest ways to learn more about kinks or fetishes you might have and like to explore is by taking a free online quiz. This BDSM one is a good place to start. Finding out your erotic blueprint type—AKA your sexual love language—can also be helpful; you can learn your type through one of these quizzes.
2. Do some research and educate yourself
Once you start learning about different kinks and fetishes and which ones might entice you, you can then start doing some more thorough research. It’s vital that you’re aware of any potential risks and safety measures needed in order to protect yourself and partner. From here, you can also start thinking about certain boundaries you may or may not have. The main thing to remember is that safety should always be your first priority. All parties need to feel safe in the bedroom.
3. Be open and honest
Being open and honest with yourself and potential partners is also key to safely exploring kinks and fetishes. Admitting to yourself what turns you on is going to help you get more comfortable with it. Likewise, being open and honest with a sexual partner will help make exploring kinks and fetishes easier. Check out this guide on how to approach your partner and safely explore kinks and fetishes.
4. Find a community of like-minded people
It’s always nice to know you’re not alone, so find a space where you can openly discuss kinks and fetishes with other like-minded people. Because trust: There are countless others out there with similar desires. One of the easiest places to start is #kinktok. The app Fetlife is essentially social networking for people with kinks and fetishes, which can also be a helpful resource.
In addition, practice confiding in trusted confidantes about your desires. This could be anyone from a partner, sex therapist, or even your best friend. One of the best ways to normalize a taboo subject is to talk about it.
