Ah, a new relationship. It’s all rainbows and butterflies until it isn’t. Let’s admit it: fighting is inevitable; no matter how compatible you and your S.O are, you’re bound to end up disagreeing over something. However, contrary to popular opinion, the fighting or bickering isn’t what will break your relationship—it’s how you handle that argument and move past it that will.
Yes, that’s right, I’ll say it a little louder for the people in the back: a fight with your S.O isn’t going to dictate the outcome of your relationship, it’s how you both handle it as an individual and couple that will.
So, what do you do when that inevitable first fight happens? I’m here to break down all the best ways you can handle it, and what to do when the smoke clears.
How to handle your first fight in a relationship:
- Step away. The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to step away from the argument. Giving yourself a cooling period is crucial because when things get heated, you’re more liable to say something you’ll end up regretting later on. In the heat of the moment, emotions are running high and your judgment is clouded; you won’t be able to properly think things through and get to a resolution. In fact, continuing to fight will only escalate tensions further.
- Bite your tongue. In the midst of an argument, the easiest thing to do will be to hurl the meanest thing you can at your S.O, but that is the worst thing you can do. Hitting your partner with a low blow may make you feel triumphant for a moment, but that feeling will quickly give way to a sinking one of guilt and shame. You’re going to feel horrible for saying those things to them. Bite your tongue and be mature.
- Don’t ignore your S.O. Before you take a step back, you should tell your partner that you need a minute to yourself to breathe and calm down. Walking away or ignoring your phone with no explanation is only going to send your partner into a frenzied panic. Regardless of the matter at hand, your partner doesn’t deserve to be ignored. Calmly tell them you need a minute to yourself, reiterate that you want to take a step back before you say something you’ll regret, and ask them to respect this.
- Find something else to focus on. The last thing you want to do after you’ve taken a step back is sit there and stew. Doing this will only get your more riled up, ultimately defeating the whole point of taking a step back in the first place. Instead, find an activity to focus on that will take your mind off the argument at hand; preferably mindless busy work. This will allow you to calm down and, in time, think things through more clearly. My go-to activity is reading because it allows me to get lost in a completely different world and not think about the fight I just had with my boyfriend. Things like reading, doodling, watching TV, or meditating are great for this.
- Don’t get others involved. Here’s the thing: the only people who truly know what goes on in their relationship are the ones who are actually in it, which is why venting to other people about an argument between you and your partner is one of the worst things you can do. Whoever you’re venting to is (most likely) going to have your back, they’re going to take your side and defend your position. They’re going to fuel that fury and get you all riled up, which will in turn intensify the fight. You also don’t want whoever you’re venting to to start thinking poorly of your S.O. Venting to others won’t solve anything. Keep your arguments to yourself and between you and your partner—no one else.
- Don’t overreact. Fighting with your S.O is not the end of the world, and it’s nothing to end your relationship over. Don’t overreact in the heat of the moment or when you take a step back and finally think things through. Don’t jump to conclusions or think that because you fought you’re not meant to be and it’s not going to work out. Like I said in the beginning, the fight isn’t what dictates the relationship, it’s how you handle it and move forward that does.
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What to do once the smoke clears:
The time after you’ve taken a step back and calmed down is crucial for your relationship. How you handle this will determine whether or not your relationship will grow, and also how you and your partner will navigate any fights—big or small—moving forward. Here’s what to do once the smoke clears.
Ask them if they’re ready to talk
If you feel like you’ve reached a point where you’re able to talk things through calmly and objectively, the first thing you should do is ask your S.O if they’re ready to talk. Asking them if they’re ready not only shows them how conscious you are of their feelings and where they stand, it’ll also ensure that you and your partner are both in the right headspace to move forward. Don’t pressure your partner, make sure they know that you’re ready and willing to talk whenever they are. You can only get over an argument if you’re both on the same page.
Keep it calm
The last thing you want to do is escalate tension, have another (and probably bigger) fight, and repeat the process of handling it all over again. Both you and your partner should make a conscious effort to not raise your voice, and/or throw out accusations and get defensive when you’re trying to talk things through objectively. If you feel either yourself or your partner getting emotional, take a step back before moving on to avoid having another blowout.
Take responsibility and move on
If you’re fighting with someone else, that means both of you are engaging, which means you’re probably both wrong for something. It’s your responsibility to take ownership of your mistakes and admit them to both yourself and your S.O. No one made you act out the way you did, you’re the only one in control of your behavior. Don’t lay 100% of the blame on your partner, own up to your share. Admitting what you did wrong will [basically] force your partner to do the same, ultimately allowing the two of you to take responsibility for your own actions and move on, together.
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Don’t hold a grudge
There isn’t a single perfect soul on this planet; you’re no exception, and neither is your S.O. Don’t hold your partners’ mistakes against them, that’s petty and immature. You can’t move forward in your relationship if you’re still holding on to something from the past. You truly won’t get over the argument if you hold onto a grudge.
Remember this going forward
I speak from experience when I say this, as someone who’s been in a relationship for seven years now: both my boyfriend and I knowing how we each deal with anger is what’s helped us talk through anything and everything reasonably and like adults. We’re both capable of admitting our mistakes and hearing the other person’s POV without getting defensive. We hardly ever bicker now, but in recent years on the rare times that we do, we’ve actually stopped arguing in the middle of it and laughed about the stupid, insignificant thing we were fighting over in the first place.
Once you’ve had your first fight, the smoke has cleared, and you and your S.O have moved on, remember how you handled everything the next time you get into an argument. Creating healthy habits and patterns of communication and dealing with things as a couple will only strengthen your relationship. For example, if you know your partner needs a longer cooling period than you, make sure you give them that in the future. Be mindful of how your partner reacts to things and deals with anger, be conscious of yourself and your actions. Once you have a grip on how you and your partner fight and handle the aftermath, you’ll find that any disagreements—small and stupid, or big and bad—will become more infrequent. Eventually, you’ll be able to stop in the middle of an argument and laugh about it.
