Are You Scared of Commitment?

In the world of hookup culture, lack of commitment may seem breezy and cool, but the older you get, the more claustrophobic and immature it suddenly feels. Think about it—how many of us haven’t gone through a phase where we’ve stuck to being single and simply hooking up instead? How many of us haven’t proclaimed to someone or multiple people at one point or another that we weren’t looking for anything serious? The answer, especially in today’s world, is probably none. More likely than not, we’ve all fallen culprit to the “no commitment and nothing serious” phase at some point in our lives, probably in our younger and dumber years (it’s all part of the learning experience).

Typically, after this little phase, we move on and are open to settling down. For some, however, that little phase ends up being a lifelong sentence. It ends up being a lifelong sentence because, deep down, they’re afraid of commitment.

The truth is, most people, at the end of the day, want someone they can share their life with. Most people secretly or not-so-secretly want to have someone they can come home to every single day and open themselves up to. Most people want to find someone that they will love unconditionally and who, in turn, will love them unconditionally as well. No matter how hard we may try to convince ourselves, most of us want all the good aspects of a relationship. Unless you’re one of the rare few who is genuinely content coming home to an empty house every night, more power to you! But for the rest of us, commitment-phobia can hold us back in so many areas of life.

But what are the signs of someone who’s scared of commitment? I’ve broken down the signs below, and what to do if they apply.

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Signs you’re scared of commitment:

• You remind everyone that you’re not looking for anything serious. We’ve all gone through periods of time in our life where we genuinely weren’t looking for anything serious. This is not uncommon—especially if you’ve just gotten out of a relationship—but when you repeatedly make it a point to remind everyone around you, as well as potential new partners, that you’re not looking for anything serious time and time again, it may be a sign you’ve got some commitment issues going on.
• You constantly give people the run-around. When it comes to making plans with any new or potential partners, you may find that you always leave potential plans up in the air until the very last minute. Maybe they suggest meeting up and grabbing a bite to eat at a certain time on some day, and you may respond with something along the lines of, “that should be good, let me double check!” When said day comes, you still haven’t gotten back to them. You can’t make a definite plan, one way or another. This is another sign of someone who’s scared of commitment.
• The idea of a potential investment in a partner and/or relationship makes you uncomfortable. The idea of being with someone long-term may leave you feeling a bit funny. For some reason, it’s an idea that you’re unable to digest properly. Again, this is another classic sign of someone scared of commitment.
• You have a pattern of pulling out of things after a certain amount of time. People with commitment issues will typically be triggered by something that’ll pull them out of the relationship at a specific time. For some, it may be as long as after an engagement and before a wedding; for others, it may be before things get too serious. Either way, if pulling out of relationships after a certain amount of time is a behavioral pattern, it’s a clear sign of someone dealing with commitment issues. Also, you tend to disappear quickly before the other person has a chance to.
• You’re indecisive with new and potential partners. When asked what you want and what you’re looking for, you’re not sure, you don’t know what the answer is. Do you want to be with this person? Do you want to try settling down? These are questions you probably won’t be able to answer because you’re unsure of what you truly want. You can’t make a decision about someone else because of your fear of commitment and what it means.
• You’re picky AF. People with commitment issues will oftentimes disguise their fear as them simply just being picky. This is a great disguise because it often goes under the radar; it gives you the opportunity to find something wrong with someone else that will both justify your reason for not committing and/or pulling out quickly. People who do this may not always be aware they’re doing it, either.
• You mimic someone looking for a relationship. This is probably the biggest warning sign of all. You may genuinely be interested in someone and show signs of being open to a relationship, but when it finally becomes time to settle down, that’s when you pull out.

What to do:

One thing that should be reassuring is that we all possess the ability to better ourselves if we’re ready and willing to work at it. Everyone’s capable of improving their life, they just have to take the right steps in order to do so. The same goes for anyone struggling with commitment issues; if you truly want to get over your fear so you can try to settle down someday with the right one and enjoy your relationship and life, you can! You’re capable of doing so.

That being said, the first thing, like everything else in life, is admitting to yourself that you either have a problem or are scared of something. Admitting to yourself, “I have commitment issues,” or, “I’m scared of commitment,” means that you possess both the self-awareness and the strength to admit what’s going on. Once you’ve done that, then you can start working on healing.

A lot of people dealing with commitment issues have usually been affected by something they saw in their childhood; they were exposed to a dysfunctional relationship early on, and in turn, that created a fear of commitment. The dysfunctional relationship became the blueprint for all other relationships in life; the dysfunction gave you something to fear when it comes to relationships. This is why you’re going to want to do a lot of deep, and at times vigorous, work internally after you’ve finally admitted what you’re afraid of. Working with a therapist is usually extremely beneficial in situations like this. As a professional, they’ll be able to give you the proper tools you need in order to heal. However, if you’re opposed to or don’t feel comfortable with therapy, doing a lot of self-work through practices like deep breathing, meditation, guided imagery, and journaling daily will help you uncover a lot of buried, hidden truths inside.

Also, make talking about your commitment issues a normal thing! Whether it’s with a potential partner, family member, best friend, etc., talking about it will allow you to open up, and also unburden you from the weight you’ve been carrying around inside for so long. Think about it: you’ve probably been dealing with this fear for a long time—way longer than you’re probably aware of. Getting things out instead of holding them in is extremely therapeutic. This will also be helpful in conjunction with all of the practices mentioned above.

Try asking yourself questions such as: what are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen if a relationship doesn’t work out? You need to have the confidence and belief in yourself that no matter what happens, you’re going to be fine. Be honest with any new and/or potential partners about where you are in your journey. Honesty is a turn-on for most people.

Maintaining independence is of highest priority when struggling with commitment. Through your healing, work on learning how to lean on others and ask for help when you need it. Sure, independence is amazing and empowering, but all relationships in life thrive when people finally open up. By committing and opening up to someone else you’re not throwing away your independence; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. Instead, you’re opening yourself up in spite of what may happen because you’re not allowing your fears to control you anymore. You know that in the end, you’re going to be just fine. Don’t let the past dictate your future. Just because you saw one dysfunctional relationship or have been scarred by one doesn’t mean all relationships are like that. Start working on yourself, use the right tools and take the right steps in order to heal, and eventually, you’ll find the one you’ve been waiting for all along—and you won’t be scared to commit to them.